Growthtrac Community

[SAP40]

Well, where to begin...... I am currently living with someone who is the father of my 5 year old and I brought 2 girls into this who are now entering teen age years. My daughters father has been out of their lives since they were 2 and 3. Another story... My situation makes me toss and turn and loose sleep. This man has not yet made a commitment in marriage to me. I have been to my church and talked with the priest and I am working though the "living in sin guilt".
Our problem is we do not seem to communicate effectivly. We fight quite a bit. He just wants to be left alone and I am so much a people person. My daughters feel this more than anyone. He provides for all of us the financial needs. I can not imagine finding a job and supporting 3kids but I think that is my only option. Things can be calm here but it does not take much to set him off and want to be left alone. Yes he is the only child and does have contact with any one but his parents. As for me... I have tons of family and we always get together.. This man does not like to go around my family who are the only people my kids have. How do I get his heart to soften?

[km]

I don't intend this to sound crude, but he has maid service, a cook and a [sexual servant] at a price that appears acceptable to him as things are now, why would he want to change anything? I think he likely has everything pretty much the way he wants it, and also likely thinks that since he's paying all the bills, he gets to have things the way he wants them. You already gave away the store for what little committment he has made (he is supporting you and 2 of someone else's kids as well as the one you have together), he probably sees no need to make any greater committment - particularly since you've gone along with things the way they are for this long.

Is he a believer at all? I'm guessing not - but if I am wrong, you might try to enlist help from that angle, but I don't know how much that would offer in likelihood of success. Does he have any friends or outside influences that could be enlisted to help?

[SAP40]

Well, He travels during the week-days. When he purchased our home he was a single man living the single life. He does a lot financially and helps create the rules. I know he believes in God. I think he feels he can do it all without anyone and including God. He has a lot of unanswered questions. The man is very giving to people and loves his son very much and my daughters. He just has a problem with showing the affection toward me in front of the kids. Events happened in his life in which I feel that caused him to turn inward and just want to be left alone. He is extremely smart! Has a great job. He can probably pay for my apartment and his home.... But when I decide enough is enough, I do not want a thing from him. This is where my Faith steps in. God is in total control, but why would he want a broken family? I do see your point about he gets what he wants from me. But the man is hardly here to eat and when he is he usually cooks for himself. I honestly think he lives here out of guilt. I quite my job to raise our son and be a stay at home mom.. I love being here and these kids really need me.

[km]

If he does have any sort of traditional Christian belief - perhaps in some shallow lingering form from childhood? - perhaps you can slowly get him to absorb some doctrine. You says he has a good job with a lot of travel, could you perhaps get him some books (one at a time)? A lot of business travelers have a fair amount of downtime on the road to read (or drink or carouse, if it is used negatively). Look for ones that seem tailored to what you see as things that might peak his interest.

[DLW52]

Well, He travels during the week-days. When he purchased our home he was a single man living the single life. He does a lot financially and helps create the rules. I know he believes in God. I think he feels he can do it all without anyone and including God. He has a lot of unanswered questions. The man is very giving to people and loves his son very much and my daughters. He just has a problem with showing the affection toward me in front of the kids. Events happened in his life in which I feel that caused him to turn inward and just want to be left alone. He is extremely smart! Has a great job. He can probably pay for my apartment and his home.... But when I decide enough is enough, I do not want a thing from him. This is where my Faith steps in. God is in total control, but why would he want a broken family? I do see your point about he gets what he wants from me. But the man is hardly here to eat and when he is he usually cooks for himself. I honestly think he lives here out of guilt. I quite my job to raise our son and be a stay at home mom.. I love being here and these kids really need me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let me chime in here. About 22% of all unmarried couple who cohabitate actually get married. This was based on 2006 statistics and Im willing bet this number has dropped below 20% in 2009.
He has no incentive to marry you and establish a christian home and family life when you all but gave that up by voluntarily moving in together. That is your standard there, ie shacking up. You will have to take your stand and trust GOD from here on. Everyday you continue to live under these conditions your are sending very bad messages to your children that this is acceptable behavior for the unmarried. You mentioned you have teen daughters. Suppose they come home one day and tell you they have decided to move in with their boyfriends or that one of them is pregnant ? You couldnt very well chide them because they would throw your very living arrangement back in your face and accuse you of hypocrisy.
Im curious to know what your living arrangement before you decided to move in together ?

[rdsmith3]

The man is not being a true husband, father, or spiritual leader. It seems like his role is an ATM. I can understand the fear of financial distress if you were a single mother of three children, especially in our current economic climate. However, you have to ask yourself if you are compromising on things upon which you should not compromise. That is between you and God, but it is not something you should avoid or rationalize. Your conscience is telling you something. Listen to it -- do not try to silence it.

[SAM]

My situation makes me toss and turn and loose sleep.

This happens to me too when God, through his Holy Spirit, is trying to tell me something I am unwilling to listen to.

I know this is very scary territory, but if you want to trust God for the best possible outcome and the the welfare of your children -move out, have the church help you, and stop being intimate with this man.

It's been 5 years since you had your child together. If he has not committed to marriage yet, he is not going to.

How do I get his heart to soften?

Dear SAP 40 - This is God's work. There is nothing you can do to get his heart to soften.

He will not change, no matter how hard you wish for this.

There are a number of red flags waving in the air.
- we do not seem to communicate effectivly (this is the #1 growth area in couples who either cohabit, or have sex before marriage. It's obviously more fun to have sex, so why talk?)
- we fight quite a bit (this is the #2 growth area - nothing gets said without the blame game ensuing)
- we just wants to be left alone
- things can be calm here but it does not take much to set him off (define "set him off" - does this include swearing, name calling,belittling - essentially verbal and or emotional abuse?)
- does not have contact with anyone but his parents
- this man does not like to go around my family (what does your family think of him?)
- I know he believes in God (believing in God is not enough - even the demons believe in God. The question is, "Is he sold out to following Jesus Christ?"
- He has a lot of unaswered questions (does he go to church with you and the kids, does he want to honestly get answers to those questions by participating in a bible study group, or is he throwing up smoke signals to block your questions about his spiritual growth?)
- I think he feels he can do it all without anyone and including God. (this says it all)

I can not imagine finding a job and supporting 3kids but I think that is my only option.

This has to fill you with fear and apprehension. Trust God with your fears. He will provide for you and your children by taking this HUGE step of obedience.

If you went to your pastor, told him you were ready to move out, and you need the church's assistance - I know people at my church would jump at the opportunity to help you. And, there are many non-profit organizations around the country who help women in your position by finding them housing. I know of one in the Chicago area called Fellowship Housing, but they may have referrals throughout the country.

Of couples who cohabitate,after 5-7 years, only 28% of them are married if they were not engaged prior to living together.
If you have no legal agreement with him that provides for you and the kids, then his parents would get everything upon his death - leaving you and the kids with nothing. Cohabitation does not lead to a better marriage. Couples who cohabitate have higher divorce rates (Bramlett & Mosher, 2002).


For the sake of your children, it is time to remove them from this situation. You are entitled to child support for the son you share together - this is worth pursuing for the sake of your son and his future.

I am praying for you and your children.

[km]

SAM - I generally agree, but I do think you've erred a bit above.

The 5 year old child is his child too. The man does have a child support obligation as to that child, and in most states the child would stand ahead of the parents for estate succession purposes (although that varies extremely from state to state, and can be modified to a greater or lesser degree from state to state through a will).

[SAM]

You're right about the child being his- forgot that part of the equation when it comes to estate issues. Appreciate the clarification and "additional sets of eyes".