Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

If there is one thing that continually amazes me, it is God's continual pursuit of me in my life. There were decades of my life in which I turned and ran from Him, and pursued earthly pleasures, but He never gave up on me. It is incredibly humbling, and quite wonderful. When I am spiritually frustrated, I try to remember this and thank God for it.


My wife and I have discussed how our arguing is a form of connection, albeit a distorted one. We both have to learn healthier ways of connecting with each other, but at least arguing is better than being totally checked out. So I try to see the positive in the conflicts we have.

[km]

I am not sure that arguing (without resolution) is any better than disconnection as far as disfunctions go. While truely happy couples tend to be much alike, every unhappy couple is unhappy in a very unique way.

It is a marvel how God does look after us, even when we seem to be straying.

[SAM]

You continue to be in my prayers.

I know he wants me to draw closer to Him. I know it, but I don't feel it. I am working on that.

Similar to our love relationship with our spouse, we don't always "feel" it with God. He 100% in love with us all the time, yet we don't always "feel" the same about him. It really is about our daily choices, not our feelings. Our feelings are very misleading, but our daily choices are one step at a time.

[j3anjean]

My spiritually immature side thinks I have been through enough and wants those warm fuzzies to be hand picked and delivered...NOW! From God, from my husband, from my children. Like I said, I know it is immature and selfish.

I read something extremely cool today off of Examiner.com from Andrea Sigust.

You may not know where God is in a situation, but He always knows where you are. No matter what you’ve lost along the way; God has your best interest in His heart; and can turn your loss into a profit of blessings. Our mistakes, mishaps and misadventures don’t discourage or limit God; so they definitely don’t have to limit us. The only time that they’ll limit us; is if we let them. In the good times and bad; each day that you’re alive is another moment of momentum toward God’s best for your life.

If I keep getting messages like this and ya'lls words of wisdom I am going to be forced to call my pity party short. sigh and I was getting so good at wallowing in this bad attitude.

[rdsmith3]

I am not sure that arguing (without resolution) is any better than disconnection as far as disfunctions go.

In our case, I think it is. My wife has a tendency to check out, or disengage, when life overwhelms her. If she is argumentative, I at least know she is engaged and cares, as opposed to just giving up.

[km]

I did say all couples' problems and disfunctions are unique. If you've having "progress" or things are "better" - then I am happy for you, and hope progress continues and better turns to truely happy.

[j3anjean]

I don't know why...why now... but I am wondering what my life would be like without my husband and for the first time in many years, the thought doesn't terrify me, in fact it barely ruffles me. When I look at where I think I will be in 5 or 10 years, I don't know that this marriage will be there. I may be ok with that. I don't know. I love my husband VERY much-I just can't see staying married to him. Sometimes I think there is just way too much damage/baggage. I am hoping this is just some weird sort of mindset or phase that will pass. I have been praying about it daily.

I am not really looking for any answers. I don't think there are answers. I just felt like I should tell someone.

[charity1]

Jeannie,
I am so sorry that you are struggling with numbness and doubt. I couldn't help picking up on this statement in one of your posts:

I blamed my husband's increasing absence on the stress at home.

Do you think that is what the real problem is here? No marriage can survive without trust. That has to be rebuilt, and if he isn't doing his part, no wonder you can't see yourself staying married to him. What is going on with him?

[SAM]

Good point, Charity 1.

If a husband is exiting the home with increasing absences, then trust is going to be very difficult to rebuild.

[j3anjean]

When he was involved with someone else he had a lot of late "meetings." Some were legit and some were not. He would come home at 6. eat dinner and be gone by 7. He would say after a meeting that he needed to stop by so & so's house to recap the meeting with them, go over budget details, drop off a packet to an absent board member. Whatever the case, he was usually not home until after 10 or 11pm. When his affair ended he was home a lot. I found out some meetings were only monthly instead of weekly. Many meetings did not require his presence and he no longer needed to use them as excuses. He skipped some meetings to be home. Basically, instead of every week night he started having a meeting week at the beginning of the month. (Those would be M, T, W, Th the first week of the month and M, W the 2nd week) Now we are back to M, T, W and sometimes Th every week. After a meeting he will go by a friend's house. This friend is a church elder. On the nights he does not have meetings he will go over to this friend's house to work on his tractor or hay bine or something. Add into that mix his golf league, shooting club and other activities and we are back to his perpetual absence.

We went from a "date" each week-usually breakfast on Saturday to dating only when friends would come with us to no dates in months. We went from devotionals nightly to weekly to not at all. Family prayer was forgotten.

Can I push for these changes and demand that they stay in place? Absolutely. But then again. I can't force the issue. I'm tired. I don't think I should have to issue strict mandates for him to follow through. I am not his parent or his jiminy cricket conscience. My self esteem is battered and bruised. I am so uncertain of how a normal marriage is supposed to work that I know I make huge mistakes- I know I fail.

We are 2-6 months away from the line. We have been married for almost 14 years. His first affair was roughly 9 years ago. They seem to be spaced out by approximately 2 years. Each affair lasts roughly 8 months before he is caught. We are coming up to the 2 year line. I feel like this is the make it or break it time. It isn't that I think he is doing anything inappropriate now. It isn't that I don't trust him. It isn't even that I feel like he WILL fall. I just feel like there are signs that all is not well in candyland. (For example the increasing meetings and absence. The priorities being rearranged: work, friends, community, hobbies, marriage, kids)

I love him dearly. I know he loves me. That doesn't change anything.

[j3anjean]

Wow, rereading that...I sound like an untrusting nag of a wife.
That isn't the way it is.
I don't nag him about his meetings, his friends, his hunting or anything. I try to be supportive. I try to give him plenty of room to breathe. I try not to be demanding. I am not going to police his time and his whereabouts. I ask him to call me when he is in transition from one place to another (meeting to friend's or something) That is one thing we fuss about. I insist that he call. Sometimes he does and sometimes he does not.
I just let him go. I let him know that we would enjoy him being at home more often. I let him know that I miss him when he is so busy. Internally, emotionally, I am just preparing myself. Being blindsided again would wreck me. I just need to be prepared. God is in control.

[charity1]

Jeannie,
You don't sound like an untrusting nag of a wife at all. You have already let him by with abandoning the family a lot more than I would my husband at this point. Before and during my husband's affair, he was away from home most of the time, and we realized afterwards that that disconnection no doubt helped put him at risk for temptation. Now more than ever, especially after the vow renewal, your husband should be bending over backwards to spend time with you and trying to make up for some of the pain he has caused you. I understand totally not being his parent or his conscience or trying to police him, but it seems to me you have every right to point out what you have just pointed out to us. Let him know that his lack of time at home is a source of concern and why. It wouldn't hurt to let him know that you are feeling like the two of you are disconnecting to the point that your marriage may not survive. I strongly doubt that he understands this. Communication is key. He has a wife and children he should be spending time with. He needs to be reminded of that. While you have been blaming yourself for your son's lack of interest in life, it could actually be your husband's lack of attention that is causing a lot of it. Who knows? The bottom line is, both parents need to be there for the children if at all possible.

At the risk of ticking you off by reminding you of the obvious, if you aren't already doing it, make sure to study God's word in order to get back to a close relationship with Him and receive comfort. I know sometimes I get so wrapped up in talking to Him and telling Him what I need, that I forget to let him talk to me. That is what the Bible is for. It occurred to me one day that if I don't ever let him talk to me, why should he continue to listen to what I have to say. Just a thought. I'm praying for you.

[SAM]

You are not being a nag -

Now we are back to M, T, W and sometimes Th every week.

If this were to be your schedule where you are away from home 4 evenings a week, the question would be,
"How's that working for ya?"

It obviously doesn't work if it is the head of the home, either. It does not create family unity, closeness,
connectedness, or comfort. No matter how you slice it, a conversation has to be had about balance. That is not nagging.

I had to have a discussion with my hubby this morning. He's being considered as an elder in our church. There is a process of review, meetings over the next several months, and more time commitment to serve the people of our congregation.
My husband designed the church's website, maintains it ( on a volunteer basis), does all the slides for weekend messages and we are the leaders of a couple's small group. I simply said, "Of all these obligations, if we are going to stay grounded together and close to God, something has to go. Otherwise, we and you will not be useful for God's purpose."

[FaithHopeJoy]

Jeannie, dear sister, you deserve better - so much better than this - from your H. It's hard to understand what is going on in his head and heart. I feel I want to look him in the eye and ask him if he realizes how blessed he is to have you and the boys in his life. Why would he risk losing such treasures? You said

Internally, emotionally, I am just preparing myself. Being blindsided again would wreck me. I just need to be prepared. God is in control.

God IS in control. I hope you can take strength and encouragement from knowing that.

I don't think there are answers. I just felt like I should tell someone.

The answer will come, from God, when the time is right. By opening your heart to friends here on the forum, you have put us in the privileged position of being prayer warriors for you - if you want us to be . Lean on us, dear sister - and lean on God.

This comes with a virtual hug.

FHJ

[j3anjean]

FHJ, I am working really hard to not be a weepy mess...But your responses brought tears to my eyes. I have so much doubt. Thank you for the encouragement and prayers.

Charity, you are not ticking me off ! You are funny. I have been praying but not getting answers. I have not been reading my scriptures in the past couple of weeks. I am disappointed in myself because I know I really need to. And you are right...I have been praying but I don't know if I have been listening. I've been assuming that my prayers are just going unanswered but maybe I need to listen harder. I need to work hard at not hardening my heart in the process of protecting myself, I need to be open to hearing what the Lord wants me to do.

Sam, I think my husband's absence IS working for him. He has his cake and eats it, too. I find that when I try to talk to him about spending more time at home, it quickly goes from missing him to a disagreement. I suggest time together and he cancels and goes to a friends house. I end up not caring. Over the past few days we have arrived at the point where it is easier and calmer for us to not be together. I am tired of fighting for this broken down, battered marriage. I am tired of trying so hard to be perfect. I am tired of reminding him that this marriage is worth investing time in. Maybe it isn't.

I think that I have handled this all wrong. I have been a doormat. I have let him take and take and take. I have created a situation where he thinks he can do anything if he says he is sorry later. He can ignore me and shut me out and take advantage of me. For months I tried to be better to get him to be home more often. More sex, nice dinners, time for him to do his own thing, all the ** going towards his hobbies and projects. I put myself last thinking that if I gave enough, did enough, he would deem me worthy. If I put him first, he would put me first. It doesn't work like that and in the past couple of weeks I realized I had lost what little standing I had. I stopped trying. I really think I am done.

He is so blasted concerned with how things LOOK - not with how things are. When I press him on an issue he usually begins questioning my mental stability.It usually works, too. He blames me and plays head games till I really blame myself for all of our marriage failures. I am feeling stronger and healthier than my typical doormat self-so he has started suggesting that I seek counseling and maybe get on some sort of medication to prevent me from being such a @*%tch. He doesn't want a wife. He wants a puppet.

I asked God to give me a desire to stay. Give me a desire to do my part to work on this marriage. Soften my heart and allow me to be open to my husband.