Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

He is so blasted concerned with how things LOOK - not with how things are. When I press him on an issue he usually begins questioning my mental stability.It usually works, too. He blames me and plays head games till I really blame myself for all of our marriage failures. I am feeling stronger and healthier than my typical doormat self-so he has started suggesting that I seek counseling and maybe get on some sort of medication to prevent me from being such a @*%tch. He doesn't want a wife. He wants a puppet.

Jeannie, of all the things you have written ... this is the most alarming and very revealing. He wants you to be the compliant, good wife, who puts up with his crap and asks no questions. And, when you don't comply, you are emotionally unstable and need medication to calm yourself down.

Perhaps, counseling would be a good idea. Not because he feels you need it, but it will help you toward becoming stronger and healthier on so many levels and rebuild confidence in yourself and your abilities. And, once you are in a healthier place... you will then know if your husband is capable and willing to work through his junk to build a marriage built on God's holy ground, rather than the holy pedestal he has put himself upon.

[j3anjean]

Thanks, SAM. My mom invited my kids to stay with her a couple of weeks ago in Florida. They had a fantastic time. She asked me about that week I had spent alone with my husband. We don't get much time time without the kids and she had hinted that a 2nd honeymoon must have been nice following our vow renewal. She asked how we celebrated? Bed and breakfast? Date nights? I told her that both my husband and I had been busy with work and really didn't do the whole 2nd honeymoon thing. She asked me what was wrong. It was a huge mistake so everyone on the board can clobber me if they like but I told her things were tense and that my husband was busy every night. That I had caught up on my reading. I told her that I was frustrated and disappointed. I told her I didn't what it all meant but the increasing absences had my red flag up.

I think his intentions are basically good when he says things like that. I don't see it as his trying to be cruel. I think he really believes that since I usually try so hard and have a tendency to blame myself, since I usually don't put up an arguement when he is taking care of number 1. When he is gone so much (most weeknights and some weekends) I can't help it I don't just get worried - I get scared and this usually manifests itself by me crying, panicking and insisting he stay home some nights. He doesn't stay home and then we argue. I'm not crying anymore. That makes him even more nervous because I stop expecting him to be around. I stop trying to draw him closer. Then he makes the suggestion that I get some help. I'm actually open to going to the counselor. On my own. Heaven knows I need to be clear headed, no matter what happens.

[SAM]

I think his intentions are basically good when he says things like that.

Jeannie,
I'm sorry, but I am not buying this defense because of other patterns of behavior that you have described before.

[j3anjean]

If you are right and it is like that you are, it is sad and kind of scary. That would make him downright cruel, calculating and manipulative.

mercy.

[km]

the counseling idea is a good one - I got a lot out of it. my wife might regret encouraging me in it (while refusing any for her or joint counseling). I got to the point of a better foundation and the base for digging in & pushing to force addressing some issues.

[SAM]

As much as we believe we think we know everything about ourselves, and how to improve our own relational and personal issues, we honestly cannot see beyond the ends of our noses.

[j3anjean]

we went to marriage counseling for about 4 months. It was helpful. That was about a year ago. You know, the initial impact counseling where you almost feel in shock the whole time. I may see the same counselor or another one at the center.

[charity1]

Jeannie,
Your circumstances just break my heart. When you and your husband both posted on here, I felt like I was on the set of "An Officer and a Gentleman". It was so sweet! To read your posts now is just heartbreaking. Come to think of it, maybe you should find your husband's post and ask him what happened to that man. I do understand getting past the honeymoon phase though. Mine and my husband's lasted for over two years, and it was amazing, but life has pretty much become normal again which is not nearly as exciting, but nothing can stay "new" forever. You said:

I worry. I hate that my relationship with my husband is so closely correlated with my relationship with God. I hate that I have let both slide. I hate that the only time I seem to get close to God is in the wake of some marital tragedy. I hate that my husband's indescretions have wrecked the way I see myself. I hate that trust is so hard to get to. I get angry and depressed and I sort of shut down. I lose "me" I am hopeful that actually venting these feeling will give me a chance to work through them.

The counseling idea is a great one. After an infidelity it is normal to try to do everything in our power to make ourselves "worthy" of our spouse's love and undivided attention, but we have to put that focus on God. God is the one we have to prove ourselves worthy to. As long as He is satisfied with us, our husbands should be. If they aren't that is their problem not ours. Maybe you are finally coming to that realization. Maybe that is why you are starting to feel a peace that you can live without your husband if you have to. I know that happened to me, and it was such a relief. It was very freeing to know I was going to be ok either way things went. Even if my husband wasn't there, God would be, and He was all I needed. That's not to say I don't love my husband and that I don't try to please him, but he isn't and shouldn't be number one in my life. If we can really get our priorities in order and keep them in order, everything else starts to work out. It stands to reason after your husband's repeated failures that you would be scared. You wouldn't be human if you weren't, but just know that God will never leave you nor forsake you. He has been there for you when your husband has let you down. He is the only one you can always count on. You may feel far from Him at times, but He is always right there with you.

You may have to get tough with your husband, and the next time he questions your mental stability, agree with him and tell him you are questioning it too since you keep loving and trying to please a man that doesn't show any interest in spending time with you and the family. It does seem you have become a doormat for him. Definitely don't plead and beg, but do stand up for yourself. Your marriage can't grow if the two of you don't spend time together. As has been stated, you do deserve better. You are in my prayers.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Jeannie

Mothers have an instinctive way of knowing when things aren't right with their child (no matter if that child is five months, five years or five decades old!) Just as you sensed a change with your son, so your mom noticed:

She asked me what was wrong. It was a huge mistake so everyone on the board can clobber me if they like but I told her things were tense and that my husband was busy every night. That I had caught up on my reading. I told her that I was frustrated and disappointed. I told her I didn't know what it all meant but the increasing absences had my red flag up.

Well, I can't speak for anyone else on the board - but I'm certainly not going to clobber you for being honest with your mom in the circumstances. Why do you feel it was a huge mistake?

He is so blasted concerned with how things LOOK - not with how things are.

When we go along with this facade, pretending everything is just fine, we might as well be condoning our spouse's behavior. You didn't rush to tell your family when all this kicked off - instead you have maintained the utmost dignity and discretion for a long time. But now a reality check for your H is well overdue - and that will probably involve shaking his pedestal. Remember, his own actions have contributed to the tarnishing of his reputation. No need for you to feel guilty about that.

FHJ

[rdsmith3]

jeannie

Prayers for your marriage.

You seem to be bearing all the emotional burden in your marriage. You mentioned that you confided some of it to your mother. Aside from her, do you have any friends in whom you confide on a regular basis? I don't mean a group of women who bash their husbands, but do you have some real friends who will listen to you and help you?

[FaithHopeJoy]

rd's response makes me wonder if the closing comments in my last post could be misinterpreted?? I wasn't advocating husband-bashing as the solution, or suggesting that you should gossip/retaliate. Sorry if it came across that way.....

I was reassuring you that being honest with your mother wasn't a bad thing in the circumstances. Having said that, sharing this type of personal burden with family (or friends) brings with it the complication that they are emotionally invested in one or both spouses - so they are less likely to be objective in their 'counsel'. rd's right - if you do know someone who can really listen (non-judgmentally, but still with caring concern), such a friend would be worth their weight in gold. I pray that God puts such a person in your path.

You, and others, have mentioned that getting closer to God again is important. This verse (2 Cor 5:18) was in my quiet time reading today:

And all things are of God, who has reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and has given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

and, the same verse.....

All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. The Message

How amazing that the closer we are to God, the closer (and more loving) we feel to those around us

God's blessings, dear Jeannie.

[rdsmith3]

rd's response makes me wonder if the closing comments in my last post could be misinterpreted?? I wasn't advocating husband-bashing as the solution, or suggesting that you should gossip/retaliate. Sorry if it came across that way.....

I was reassuring you that being honest with your mother wasn't a bad thing in the circumstances. Having said that, sharing this type of personal burden with family (or friends) brings with it the complication that they are emotionally invested in one or both spouses - so they are less likely to be objective in their 'counsel'. rd's right - if you do know someone who can really listen (non-judgmentally, but still with caring concern), such a friend would be worth their weight in gold. I pray that God puts such a person in your path.

I did not take your comments that way. I think we're basically agreeing with one another that it is really helpful to have a friend who can listen and give good advice.

I was thinking of the movie, "Fireproof" and how the wife's friends were giving her bad, un-Christian advice -- that is what was behind my comments.

[SAM]

Jeannie -

You've shared so much with all of us here, which seems to have helped you, but friends also need to come in the form of one-to-one contact. Do you have someone in your life that you trust entirely that you've been able to share this journey with? Someone you know will keep this information private? I pray that you do, and that you are able to share the weight that is on your heart.
If not, seek someone out who will do life with you. God never intended for us to live in isolation. In fact, he did not design us this way because isolation is not part of His character.

[j3anjean]

Thank you all for your responses. I am sorry that it took me a week to read them and respond. Our air card broke (the usb port) and had to be replaced. Grr....

I guess I was concerned about talking to my mom because of her emotional investment and the fact she has doubts that my husband has changed. She is protective of me and thinks it may have been a mistake for me to not leave my husband. She only wants me to be happy and feels that my husbands actions have damaged my self esteem.

I am very blessed to have a very good friend that I can talk to about all of this. She is a member of our church and is very "pro-marriage" and very supportive. I have spoken to her about my concerns but hate to burden her. She and her husband are very close to our family and I don't ever want them to feel like they have to choose sides. I am blessed to have many friends that may not know details, but know that our marriage has had its struggles and are eager to pray for us.

I love my husband dearly. I just need him to stay focused on our commitment. I feel like I have to guard our borders and keep us on track. Our marriage, our relationship has to be intentional. All marriages should be but I feel that a wounded marriage may need to be even more active. The good news is that this weekend, my husband did work hard to stay in contact with me about his plans, spend time with the kids and I and be involved. Last night, the first night before school started, he helped cook out. He invited us to play Uno and helped get the boys ready. It was nice. We felt like a team and that was wonderful. He says he wants to continue being involved like that and I am happy to oblige. I made sure he knew how very much I appreciated him.

[resecured]

Jeannie,

Was so glad to hear you had a great weekend. You hit the nail on the head talking about wounded marriages seeming to need to be more pro active in guarding the boundaries. It doesn't hurt to be wary of any red flags that may start to fly in your mind. Your protecting your marriage. I understand what you are saying too about your husband needing to stay focused. It has to be a two way commitment. One spouse can't do it all on their own, keeping things on track. After awhile, resentment will start to set in if one spouse feels that they are the only one trying. Especially if the one doing all the trying is the betrayed spouse.

Have you discussed the possiblity of the both of you going in for a "refresher" course with the counselor? Would he be willing?

I'm praying for you both, dear sister.

-RJ-