Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

The good news is that this weekend, my husband did work hard to stay in contact with me about his plans, spend time with the kids and I and be involved. Last night, the first night before school started, he helped cook out. He invited us to play Uno and helped get the boys ready. It was nice. We felt like a team and that was wonderful. He says he wants to continue being involved like that and I am happy to oblige. I made sure he knew how very much I appreciated him.

That is the key... praise him, praise him, and thank him for his time commitment to you and the kids. I know you did...
However, as women we can look at the littlest things with such a critical eye that we fail to see the positive and respond to the positive with loving remarks to our men. It's the respect they need from us, and it makes all the difference in the world when they know we are proud of them, even if it's putting on the toilet paper roll in the right direction.

[j3anjean]

Well we have been talking. A lot. He has been trying to be present. He has been patient with me. When I ask for something he does it and when he needs anything I am there, johnny-on-the-spot.

I just don't think I want to be married anymore.

We aren't fighting or anything. I don't think he is being unfaithful. I just don't want to keep going. I really think that the primary foundation of our marriage is just scar tissue.

When all hell broke loose and I wanted to run, everyone said to wait a year or two. We got counseling. We got more involved in church. We developed friendships that support our marriage. We worked hard at it. For a while it seemed like we were healed or healing. When we hit that 1 year mark I cringed. He started stomping his feet about the vow renewal. I agreed to it, hoping that it would restore us. Sort of seal the deal

I love him. Don't get me wrong. I love him very much. I just can't see spending the next year or 10 years or 20 years or longer trying to keep going. I'm tired. I'm too critical of myself. I worry a lot. I second guess myself. I feel like a constant failure. I don't want to be somewhere else, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm burned out. Is that possible?

I have prayed about it and to be honest, the prayers are just unanswered. Silence and isolation. Other than the steady treadmill of getting kids to practice, school, appointments, work, laundry, cooking etc - which I am currently doing on autopilot. I just feel like I am in a box.

It seems like too much work to keep doing this and I just want out.
I loved him through everything.
I forgave him of everything.
I have to stay. I promised. I just don't want to anymore.

[SAM]

Wow, that's pretty raw, but very honest.

It's okay to be in this place. I believe every marriage finds itself here at some point in time.

Jeannie, don't run... the pain follows you.
Let God meet you in this place. Hold on to His hope. A moment at a time...
Don't worry about tomorrow, or a month from now. Remember, a moment at a time...

I continue to hold you up in prayer.

[km]

Jeannie - Some of us here can relate quite well to what you say. I hope the feelings abate and allow you some peace.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Jeannie, dear sister

I read your post today - and then read this - penned by an anonymous but skilled writer and based on Psalm 46. (I had copied it into my journal when coping with feelings similar to the ones you expressed today):

If you never felt pain, how would you know that I am the Healer?
If you never committed sin, how would you know My Forgiveness?
If you never had trials, how would you know that I am your Deliverer?
If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I'm your Comforter?
If you were never in trouble, how would you know that I'll come to your rescue?
If you were never broken, how would you know I can make you whole?

If you never had problems, how would you know I can solve them?
If you never had any suffering, how would you know what I went through?
If you never went through the fire, how would you become pure?
If I gave you all things, how would you appreciate what you have?
If I never corrected you, how would you know I love you?
If you had all the power, how would you learn to depend on me?
If your life was perfect, what would you need from Me?

I hope you can find some peace in reflecting on this.

Also, I've just finished reading a really funny but poignant book which gave me lots of food for thought. You might want to get hold of it? If you don't die to self, I may have to kill you: An extreme marriage makeover. I think I read it 'just in time'.

Hugs to you dear Jeannie.

FHJ

[charity1]

Jeannie,
I know how you are feeling, but try to stay in the moment as much as possible - not in the past and not in the future, but in the present.

I'm too critical of myself. I worry a lot. I second guess myself. I feel like a constant failure.

Those thoughts certainly aren't from God. You are made in His image. He loved you enough to send His Son to die for you, so all of those thoughts are obviously lies. Since you were starting to heal, the devil has had to kick it up a notch. He has been doing the same thing to me. He wants to tear our families apart. We can't let him win, Jeannie. We have to keep fighting. You are in my prayers.

FHJ,

If you don't die to self, I may have to kill you: An extreme marriage makeover.

I love that title!

[resecured]

Burned out.

Yeah, I know that feeling all too well myself. Jeannie, I think we are just trying too hard to forget that all this has happened. It's almost as if we don't keep working on trying to, we will implode. I find that I am wondering and debating within myself on all things. It's been 3 years and I still have not found total peace with this mess I've been given. There are too many layers, too many "what if's", too many "why's" still coming to my mind. It really could make a person go to the "edge". I agree, It is really too much work.

Then, I read a plaque today that had a very famous saying on it. The one where it says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, etc." I've read that one so many times in my life, but it had never sunk in. As hard as it is going to be, that is where we have to get. To go on and live our lives as good as we should, it boils down to that. Serenity means calmness, clearness. I would so love to be in that state of mind. I'm tired of it all too. Truth is, where would we go? Would it be worse? Sam is right. It would all just follow us. I've thought the thoughts you are thinking right now. We have no reason to doubt ourselves. We have no reason to feel like failures, Jeannie. We didn't make the choices that they chose to make. We didn't have control then and we don't now.

You say you love him. Is he worth the pain that comes with staying? Would you truly be happier without him in your life? Be honest with yourself. It might not be a bad idea to get away for a while so you can think clearly. You have too much pulling and pushing at you to be able to make these really important decisions. I'd make time to do that. It's important that you find your way again. Find you again. Believe me, I do understand. You know I do.

Does your husband know how bad it has gotten for you? Do you think counseling would be a start to find you way back? At this point, it wouldn't hurt.

I am praying so hard for you.

Love,

-RJ-

[rdsmith3]

...I love him. Don't get me wrong. I love him very much. I just can't see spending the next year or 10 years or 20 years or longer trying to keep going. I'm tired. I'm too critical of myself. I worry a lot. I second guess myself. I feel like a constant failure. I don't want to be somewhere else, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm burned out. Is that possible?

Oh, I know that feeling. Resecured mentioned this prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I have prayed it myself many times. It is a prayer that is often used by AA and other recovery groups. As you may know, two key principles of recovery from addiction are surrendering to God, and taking life one day at a time. All of us should keep these in mind. I also am overwhelmed by the thought that my marriage would stay the same as it is now for 10 or 20 years longer. Dealing with the pain for that many more years is a thought that I cannot even allow into my head.

So I have to trust that God will change me, change my marriage, change my life, and so on. I have to trust that He is doing what is best for me, and He will give me the strength to carry on in whatever situation I am in. I have to accept that no matter how much I try to control or change my situation to make it conform to my preferences, I can only succeed with God's help. Finally, I have to always keep in mind the peace and joy that come from the hope of our salvation, and realize that I am just a traveler here, passing through.

yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes
James 4:14

[j3anjean]

Thank you everyone for your quick and heartfelt responses. This all just seems to be spiraling downward.

Sam wrote:

Let God meet you in this place. Hold on to His hope. A moment at a time...
Don't worry about tomorrow, or a month from now. Remember, a moment at a time...

I really want God to meet me in this place. I have to say, I haven't felt this far from Him since before I became a Christian and doubted His existance at all. I think I may have mentioned that I helped at church summer camp this year for high school week. I really struggled with the theme of God's pursuit of us because I just can't see it at this time. I would let Him meet me in this place. I have prayed and invited Him. But honestly, there is only silence and I am pretty isolated from Him right now. I don't doubt that is my own fault, I am not blaming God. I just don't see a resolution. If prayer isn't working, what's next?

FHJ, what you posted was beautiful. I also want to look into that book. The title alone is intriguing I absolutely miss my relationship with the Lord. I miss feeling that He would comfort me or protect me. I want that back. I used to have a lot of faith that He would catch me. I'm not saying that nothing bad would ever happen in my life, but there was a time when I knew that He loved and watched over me. Life may hand me trials but He could use those for good. He answered my prayers, not always with a yes, but He responded-

As you can tell, this past summer has been ROUGH. If the trials of the last affair didn't do enough damage, this past summer really wreaked havoc. I think I was already pretty fragile. I still was so gung ho about God working in my life and His love for us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I reached out to someone who was pretty desperate to know Christ and that backfired badly. Since then, nothing makes sense anymore. God seems distant. Church seems superficial. It just took it's toll and now I can't even begin to find my way back.

RJ, I knew you would know right where I was at! I am crazy about my husband. There is a tricky balance between the love and the pain right now. Kind of a mix of security and fear. Our marriage has been a maze of contradictions, hasn't it. Who wouldn't be confused? I don't think leaving my husband would make things better or that I necessarily be better off without him but there are times I wonder if things may be less complicated. I think I would regain some of my dignity and confidence and I might just find my way back to God. Weirdly enough, the closest I ever felt to God was in the months my husband and I were seperated in 2004/2005. There is a secret little desire that in leaving this marriage I could restore my relationship with God. I know that makes absolutely NO sense to all of you Marriage Warriors, but I was so focused on God at that time in my life. I can't even explain it. Now I am insecure, weak and anxious. Praying to God for comfort or peace and feeling none. I am just getting tired. I just want to rest and if this insecurity ended, perhaps I could rest.

Thank you all again. The prayers are needed. Perhaps God will listen.

[SAM]

Jeannie,
For Him to meet you, it means time alone with Him.
If you can, try and find this away from the hussle and bustle of where you are staying.

Pamper yourself with a massage or a few days at a hotel, if it is financially feasible.
If you can spend time by the water - I always find Him there or in the splendor of a sunset or sunrise.

[charity1]

Jeannie,

Weirdly enough, the closest I ever felt to God was in the months my husband and I were seperated in 2004/2005. There is a secret little desire that in leaving this marriage I could restore my relationship with God. I know that makes absolutely NO sense to all of you Marriage Warriors, but I was so focused on God at that time in my life. I can't even explain it.

Actually this does make perfect sense to me. During that time God was the only one you had to turn to. The person you trusted most had let you down, and you knew God was the only one who could help you and would always be there for you. The thing is, He is still there. Take time for yourself. Study His word and pray alone with no distractions. Don't hold anything back. He knows what you are feeling and thinking anyway, so talk to Him like you would if He were sitting right beside you in the flesh. Lay it all out. I think we have all felt like you are feeling. I know right after D-day, I felt like my prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I felt so alone, but then after studying the Bible and praying on my knees, alone, I started feeling His presence again. Maybe you have been focusing so much on your husband and trying to be his everything, that God has slipped to second place without your even realizing it. Once He is back at the center of your life, things should start looking up again.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Jeannie

I should have said - Karen Long wrote the book I recommended earlier. She writes with such honesty about how distant she used to feel from God and how angry she felt about her life and her lot. It's a real eye-opener, with a holy (and happy) ending

You have been in my prayers today. I was thinking how easy it is to feel exhaustion, despair and insecurity if we focus on our current circumstances or the long rocky road that seems to stretch ahead of us. Look at John 9:3, where Jesus responds to His disciples when they ask what the man did to deserve blindness:

...Jesus said "This happened so that the work of God could be displayed in his life."

Do take time for yourself - and get to know God again. Lean on Him, not on your own self-reliance and 'superwoman' coping strategies. You said it yourself - if you don't feel close to Him anymore, it's not Him who moved! Don't be thinking that God deserted you - He hasn't, but He does want your undivided attention.

FHJ

[j3anjean]

He is going to North Dakota all of next week. I am going to try to find some quiet time just to focus on God. I have been taking long walks and praying but that must not be enough. Thank you for your prayers.

[rdsmith3]

How is your 15 year old son doing now that school has started?

[charity1]

Jeannie,

He is going to North Dakota all of next week. I am going to try to find some quiet time just to focus on God.

God's timing is always perfect! I hate to sound like a broken record, but reading God's word is essential to getting close to Him again too. I know that's where my failure has always been. I want to do all the talking and then miraculously be healed, but just listening to a sermon or two during the week just isn't enough. It is always amazing to me what will jump off the page at me that I really need when I take time to read. Even if I've read the passage a hundred times, something new will pop into my head. It's well worth the time and effort.