Growthtrac Community

[j3anjean]

My son is 15. I know most if not all of this is typical teenage stuff but I feel so frustrated. He isn't very athletic but enjoyed being on a team. Last year, he was forced to drop out of sports due to his poor grades. He only let his grades sink further. I am so worried about this upcoming school year. He took on a part time summer job and was let go because he was working incredibly slow. He struggles making friends. Only has a couple of close friends and he doesn't spend much time with them. He spends a lot of time alone. He has given up interest in most things. I would think it was drugs or something except that he clings to home so much. Nothing motivates him. Nothing excites him. He is content to lie on the couch all day. I worry about him possibly being depressed but when I have mentioned it to his dad or to the MD I am told that he is just 15. Any advice?

[rdsmith3]

I think you are right to be concerned. I would be, too.

Is there some work he can do around the house -- something to keep him busy?

Is he involved in any youth activities at church? Is there a youth pastor who could talk to him?

[rdsmith3]

I was thinking some more about this. Is it possible he is suffering from depression? Did something happen in his life that may have caused this -- friends dropped him, broke up with a girl, something at home, etc.?

My 15 year old son is very quiet. We found out from monitoring his text messages that he had a girlfriend we did not even know about. He apparently was planning to go to her house during final exam time, when they get out of school early and neither set of parents were home. Fortunately, this did not happen, but we are very concerned about his dishonesty. Anyway, he seems to have ended the relationship at the beginning of the summer, which explains why he was moping around, but we did not know about any of this until recently.

[j3anjean]

I've been trying to give him chores around the house. Something to keep him busy. His dad offers to take him to the station everyday where he can work a bit. If he wants to, they have a gym downstairs where my son could work out. Something, anything to capture his interest. He always refuses. We kind of let it slide since he has been working off and on. I figured he was just tired.

His youth minister is a great guy but it is a very small church and right now the youth minister's wife is about to have a baby (any day) so youth acitivities have been minimal. I have talked to him before about my son making friends at church-especially while he was at camp. He insisted that my son was fine and this was normal but I will make it a point to talk to him again. He actually has a lot in common with his youth minister.

He isn't a bad kid or a trouble maker. He doesn't draw attention to himself. He just sort of blends in to the background. He doesn't talk back or break house rules. He is bright and thoughtful. He is quiet and shy. He is just sluggish. Sluggish to the point that you want to check to see if he is breathing! (just kidding) He is perfectly content to lie on the couch all day and watch cartoons. He doesn't want to eat or take a shower or do anything. Just lie there. It is ridiculous. I want to see him excited about something. See him work towards a goal. Know that he is on the phone with a friend or have him ask to go to someone's house to hang out. It is weird but I almost wish he was acting out. That seems like something we could do something about.

I really wonder if it could be depression. I wonder if I should talk to him about that or take him to a counselor or something. Talk to him first? He is still my little boy. I would hate to find out that he is suffering from something like that.

[resecured]

Jeannie,

Hey, dear friend. It's good to hear from you again. I was just wondering, has this always been the case with him not showing an interest in anything? Being sluggish? Having to give up being on a sports team because of his grades may have made him depressed. At this age, it doesn't have to take much to hurt their self-esteem. He may feel, "What's the use." I agree, I'd delve a little further into this. It certainly won't hurt anything. I'd rather err on the side of being a little too over caring. It would be better to nip it in the bud now while he is still under your roof, if there is a problem with depression. I am saying a prayer for you both.

Love talking with you again.

-RJ-

[charity1]

Jeannie,
I have a son who suffers from depression. Your son sounds an awful lot like him. My son was diagnosed as having a learning disability in middle school but eventually when we took him to a psychologist, the pyschologist said after testing him that he would have to deal with his depression before he would be able to figure out whether he had a learning disability or not. It turns out it wasn't a learning disability at all, he was just too depressed to care or to concentrate. He has a chemical imbalance which causes the depression. He has tried to get off of depression medication a couple of times but hasn't been able to because he goes right back to being depressed. He is now in his late 20's. Once he got on depression medication, he became a whole new person. This is definitely worth looking into early on and not just brushing off. Teenagers can be moody, but not being interested in life and falling grades can definitely be signs of depression.

[SAM]

A lot of what you describe is very much typical teenager. They can mope around, do nothing, or sleep for endless hours a day.
I spent a lot of time with my daughter (two years) with a counselor. She needed to process things and talk it out with someone she trusted. Eventually (by 17) she moved beyond it. She had mild depression, but the doctor did not feel medication was appropriate.

Youth pastors are great, but they usually have their hands full with a number of kids. Maybe the youth pastor can suggest an older, wiser, more spiritually mature kid for your son to hang out with - perhaps a mentor of sorts.

We found ways to play family games or puzzles at night - leaving the TV off. No TV or computers were in the kids rooms, which makes a huge difference.

[rdsmith3]

He isn't a bad kid or a trouble maker. He doesn't draw attention to himself. He just sort of blends in to the background. He doesn't talk back or break house rules. He is bright and thoughtful. He is quiet and shy. He is just sluggish. Sluggish to the point that you want to check to see if he is breathing! (just kidding) He is perfectly content to lie on the couch all day and watch cartoons. He doesn't want to eat or take a shower or do anything. Just lie there. It is ridiculous. I want to see him excited about something. See him work towards a goal. Know that he is on the phone with a friend or have him ask to go to someone's house to hang out. It is weird but I almost wish he was acting out. That seems like something we could do something about.

I really wonder if it could be depression. I wonder if I should talk to him about that or take him to a counselor or something. Talk to him first? He is still my little boy. I would hate to find out that he is suffering from something like that.

He sounds a lot like my 15 year old. Sometimes you really have to watch those kids who fly under the radar! I know what you mean about wishing they would talk back or do something to show some emotion.

I am still concerned about the depression, though, because it is getting to the point where he does not care about personal appearance (showers).

[j3anjean]

The showering thing seems to be one thing that irks his dad the most. I think half the time he does that just to get on his dad's nerves.

I have talked his pediatrician about depression. I think I will take your advice, though and ask a counselor. Someone who specializes in seeing that sort of thing.

He had a really good weekend and has been positive and polite and involved. When he does that, I wonder if I worry for no reason. Sam, we don't allow TV's or computers in the bedroom ever. House rule. I don't even have one in my own room. Our computer at home fritzed out last month while we were at camp and we haven't bothered to replace the aircard. This past week or so, the boys and I have taken to playing Monoply championships every night after dinner. It is funny but I wonder if that little bit of time may have been the reason we did have a good weekend. Tomorrow both of my boys fly to FL to visit my folks. I am going to try to schedule an appt with a family counselor when he returns.

[SAM]

I also had the showering issue with one of my girls in her early teens.

Something to key in on - you noticed a change this weekend because of the little amount of time and fun you had playing games after dinner. Perhaps, this is all he needs from you and his father. Time.

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? Maybe your son's love language is quality time.

Even though teenagers will act like they can't spend one extra minute more than absolutely necessary with their parents, it's really not true that they would rather be alone.

[rdsmith3]

... we don't allow TV's or computers in the bedroom ever. House rule.

Great idea. We do the same thing.

[charity1]

Jeannie,
Hopefully it is just typical teenage behavior but a visit with a family counselor wouldn't be a bad idea just to be on the safe side.

[j3anjean]

**sigh** It has to be typical.

I have a brother who, at a young age, was struggling with school and other issues.. It seemed like when my parents took him to the doctor and had something prescribed ---well things got worse. He began abusing his Rx, then abusing other drugs. He says now that being told there was something "wrong" with him at the age of 14-devastated him and he began this suicidal snowball. He felt rotten. They gave him a pill. He felt nothing so he would do stupid things just to feel alive. Then he would feel rotten and the doctor would prescribe a new pill. It turned into a cyle. He is 32 now and just recently has gotten his life together. I don't think that is the norm. I don't think that is likely but there is a part of me that is afraid to see a doctor other than his pediatrician about this.

This weekend? well everything seemed better than normal and I want to attribute that lethargy up to boredom during the summer months. I am praying that this week will prove to be a motivator for him. I am praying that spending more time with him will boost him up. Keep us in prayer.

[charity1]

Jeannie,
I totally understand your concern, but the problem is, teenagers can choose to self-medicate, they really don't need a doctor. I have a son with a chemical imbalance who desperately needs his medication and has never abused medication, and another son who to our knowledge doesn't need medication but after a couple of surgeries from sports injuries decided he liked the effects of pain killers. I never knew how easy they were to get. Fortunately he has since gotten help and straightened up. All you can do is pray about the situation and do what you feel is best.

[rdsmith3]

Jeannie

I don't want to make you feel guilty, which is easy enough to do as a parent, but is it possible that your waning spirit this summer is affecting your son? Some kids are more perceptive than others, and he may be picking up on what he senses from you, even if it is subconscious. Just something to think about.