Growthtrac Community

[km]

SAM - For a couple that has been in the dangerous area (as to your list) for a long time (in my case, I figure we've been there for more than 15 years), can you recommend anything to use as the wke up call to the spouse who either isn't seeing it - or doesn't want to see it - and is resistant to doing any sort of marraige building activity?

[SAM]

If a spouse is completely resistant there are a few options -

1) Start Christian counseling for yourself. Oftentimes, the personal insight gained helps one deal with the difficult traits in their spouse. It helps us to see our personal contribution to marital meltdown and traits that we can change. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. It happens more often that one may think.

2) If counseling is a struggle financially, there are many non-profit organizations in local communities that offer free services, or pro-rated services. In fact, many counselors will do the same if they know a couple's financial circumstances. Churches often have referrals, or members who are trained, who will offer free or reduced services to members of the church.

3) See your pastor, if he is trained as a counselor. Otherwise, skip this step and ask him for a referral.

4) If you belong to a couples small group, it is time to talk to the leaders of your group. They can provide wise counsel and accountability.

If a spouse still refuses to seek help through these avenues, only you can decide the next steps that you want to take.
What can you live with, and what is a deal breaker? What if your spouse will never make an effort to change?

It's time to have a really difficult talk for your spouse to understand the seriousness of the situation.
No threats. At this point know exactly what you want to do, and what you will follow through on - otherwise, they will see right through a bluff.

Suggestions for Starting the Talk. "I've been thinking about ...", "What do you think about ...", "I'd like to talk about ...", "I want to have a better understanding of your point of view about ...", "I am concerned for our marriage..."

The best place to have a talk is at home, when it is quiet, when there are no interruptions, and not before bed.
Keep it simple. Stay on topic. Use "I' words - do not use "you" words to describe your feelings and concerns. Do everything you can to keep calm without anger or tears. Write down the key concepts you wish to discuss and stick to them. Expect your spouse to become upset and defensive - plan for it. No raised voice on your part... sit in silence if you have to. Do not come back at your spouse with accusations and blame... end the conversation if it becomes too volatile.

Lastly, if your spouse decides to open up whether it be calmly or with fear, sit and listen. Really listen to what they are saying. Do not speak, just listen. You may very well gain tremendous insite into their fears, concerns, hurts, and desires for your marriage.

In the end, it may mean you will have to make a decision for temporary separation. However, do not do this without a detailed
plan, and the help of an accountability partner or counselor. The reason for a plan is, most separations end in divorce without
a plan for what will take place during separation, how things will be handled financially, and that counseling is a must during this time. Also, how long will temporary separation be? Usually, no longer than 3 months to start with.

[km]

The door may have opened for us to (maybe) start some dialogue on the various problems - I won't threadjack, but will add it into my (to everyone else here, probably, too) long-running piece under the "Stuff" category.

[SAM]

No problem - threadjack if it helps someone else.

And, please know that I continue to keep you and your marriage in my prayers.

If you could also pray for me and my marriage right now. We now have my BIL and MIL living with us. The BIL issue should resolve itself shortly, as he is looking for a home. I'm not so sure about my MIL, as she is ill and this may become permanent.
I'm OK with her being with us, but I'm struggling with the TV being on from 8am to 8pm. She goes to bed at 8pm, so that does leave my husband and I alone time. I work from home, so this makes this a 24 hour a day proposition.

It's a new chapter in our lives, and I've definitely loved the empty nest for the past two years. I feel like I'm being selfish. We are both being very protective of our relationship. We will be doing recognizance missions to escape our captors during the week.

[km]

SAM - I have an ongoing thread elswere that I (ab)use heavily enough, and only those willing to endure it need subject themselves to my long running travails, I won't steal everyone else's threads.

Family under ones' own roof for long periods is indeed a challenge. Thanks for your prayers!

[FaithHopeJoy]

SAM

Having a parent or parent-in-law live with you does change the relationship dynamic, doesn't it? From empty nest back to crowded nest! Your approach sounds so sensible (not selfish ). I admire you for establishing boundaries and strategies early on - as a way of preserving time with your husband. Yes, of course we'll hold you in our prayers.

FHJ

[Emily]

Km - feel free to threadjack! I love that phrase, never heard it before....

I feel I got plenty of feedback and understand the nature of what I'm dealing with now.

Thanks everyone!

[sedwards19]

I had my in-laws live with us for over a year. My wife got tired well before I did, but when I got fed up with it, enough was enough. We had four young children living with us, and our parenting methods weren't good enough. We found our kids going to their grandparents before they came to us. Now, jealousy was never an issue, because we took advantage of the free time away from the kids, but to question our methods of raising our children infuriated my wife. She would send me to talk to her mother if she was too upset to talk. I believe grandparents are an integral part of the development of children, but they also had their chance to raise us and we still need to handle OUR childrens' upbringing. Needless to say, they moved out and after a few days, we all sat down and agreed that 10 people under one roof wasn't conducive for sanity...

I believe that God allows certain things to happen in our lives to bring us closer to him. God is love, so I know the bad things that happen to us are not his doing. We need to look at the bad things, or the difficult things in our lives and take it to Him to see what He is trying to show us.

[SAM]

We need to look at the bad things, the difficult things in our lives and take it to Him to see what He is trying to show us.

A really good message at church this weekend about mentoring. It is a counter-cultural concept because we feel we should figure it out (self-dependence) without help from anyone, and if we can't, then we should pray about it. Unfortunately, even with prayer, our emotions steer us in the wrong direction.

Our pastor encouraged us to build a personal or couple Board of Directors. Who do we go to for Godly counsel when we can't figure it out ourselves and when prayer is silent. If we honestly look at every mistake or bad decision, did we seek out wise through other Christians first?

The way to do this is invite someone for breakfast, lunch, or dinner - then pay for it. Most people need to eat. Ask them for 1 hour of their time, and consider their time valuable. Do not go over the hour under any circumstance. Thank them for their insight and ask permission to contact them again. Once a month is a good average.