Growthtrac Community

[Emily]

I've read Boundaries in Marriage but there was no advice regarding what to do with a spouse who is cold and indifferent. He is not abusive - but he shows no interest in my life or emotions. Sometimes we will go for days and he will not ask how I am. I can engage him in conversation about his life, work, hobbies, etc. But if I try to share something from my heart, he often won't even reply. I used to tell him this hurt my feelings, and that I really wanted him to be interested in me from time to time and that would result in him making a bit of an effort, but then it would revert back to normal. He's a good man in so many ways, we've had a lot of counseling which he is open to.... but then it always goes back to this default setting.

I feel invisible most of the time and lonely for him. That I am just around to make him feel good. I try not to complain about it, because when I've done that he gets angry. I have a great network of women friends who love Jesus and encourage me. I just wish I could have a reciprocal friendship and feel close to my husband.

[dwk]

I wouldn't presume your level of intensity in expressing your concerns and love for him, but sometimes us guys need it "right in our face" to understand it, if u know what i mean. Guys communicate facts better than feelings, direct and to the point better than hints and suggestions. Guys really need respect and submissiveness from our wives too which helps us in being open, communicating, and really feeling like loving our wives.

[SAM]

What things to the two of you do to have fun together?

Are you able to get out for a date night at least twice a month, if not more?

What things did you do for fun and sharing before marriage? I would imagine he showed some interest in these
things, or you would not have married him.

[Emily]

Thanks for both replies. We often go out and do fun stuff.... as much as life allows. And we talk... but always about him. I guess I wasn't clear, I was desiring a little reciprocal interest... in my life and feelings.

Mostly my comments about my day or my thoughts are met with silence.

I'm just not sure what I should do about this?

[Emily]

Thanks for both replies. We often go out and do fun stuff.... as much as life allows. And we talk... but always about him. I guess I wasn't clear, I was desiring a little reciprocal interest... in my life and feelings.

Mostly my comments about my day or my thoughts are met with silence.

I'm just not sure what I should do about this?

[km]

Was he always like this - even prior to marriage?

That is an important question. If so, looing at how to rekindle that behavior is the route of inquiry.

If not, it is possible that you have someone who is simply unusually self-centered. Is he ever interested in anyone (other than as a route to generating interest in himself)?

[SAM]

What things did you do for fun and sharing before marriage? I would imagine he showed some interest in these
things, or you would not have married him.

[Emily]

Unfortunately I married him quite young and was really trying to escape a bad family situation. Looking back, I realize I was just so desperate to be wanted/needed, I didn't really pick up on the hard fact that he didn't have that much interest in me as an individual.

I just wanted to be loved, so I focused all my attention on him and his interests. Not very mature of me. Our dating time sort of consisted of me tagging along on his activities.

He's often said since then that he always wanted to marry so there would be someone who would take care of him and support him. About a year ago, I went back and read a packet of our "love letters" -- I was astounded to find that I wrote him pages and pages of mushy stuff but his letters were all about what he did that day and the things he loved to do. Not one mention of what he loved about me or any sort of affectionate, loving words. Wow. I was nuts not to pick up on this at the time, but like I said, I was really a mess myself.

anyway, I don't want to carry on and be a whiner... maybe it just is what it is. You can't make someone care more....

[SAM]

Sometimes we are blinded by love... and don't always see the red flags that are waving in front of us. The key is, we have made a lifetime commitment, which includes for better and for worse. Oftentimes, we don't feel the worse will ever be part of the equation. How wrong we can be. Then the seach starts for the elusive piece of candy called "happiness".

It seems like your husband may be emotionally incapable of providing you what you need. So, if that is the case, what next? Who is going to fill that void for you? The longing is not going to go away, you cannot stuff it inside.

I'd like to recommend a book to you by Angela Thomas called Do You Think I'm Beautiful? I believe it will help you in your journey to find your beauty, worth, and intimacy in our God as your heavenly husband.

[SAM]

We often go out and do fun stuff.... as much as life allows.

Do you go out on regular date nights? At least twice a month, if not more?

Because, if we are honest - "as much as life allows" means that most couples get out every couple of months.
And... that simply is not enough connection time to feed and nuture a marriage.

[km]

Many couples don't connect other than those monthy or bimonthly date nights too - another potentially fatal pit to fall into.

[Emily]

We have been very consistent for years with a weekly date night. Except during football season when he coaches our son
I think it was the date nights that really highlighted for me the fact that he rarely asked about my life and often didn't reply when I brought things up. But we have great conversation if we talk about his work (which I do find interesting) or his hobbies and of course our kids. Also, like km mentioned... date night can't been the only connection. After being ignored all week and weekend, I felt like our dates were so awkward and forced - like I felt hurt and that the pressure was on to try to make us "connect." But because he doesn't really make that effort, the night would end with me feeling alone and resentful.

That book sounds interesting. I will check that out....

Thanks for all your comments!

[Emily]

Honestly, I am tired of being the one who is always trying to make us connect. If he is incapable of connecting emotionally with me, I am only making myself unhappy and discontented for pushing him to give me something he doesn't have to give.

[km]

He can learn to be better at relating to you - but HE has to want to learn. Is he willing?

It is a bigger project to change his always there pattern than to recapture a pattern he used to show.

[Emily]

Unfortunately, it would be a whole new way of relating for him....

We have had lots of counseling and in the sessions he will agree with the counselor that he needs to talk to me and connect with me, but it reverts back to the norm after a couple of days. I began to feel like a complainer in counseling. He says he is willing, but just seems to forget, loses interest and stops talking to me.... I don't think it is mean spirited, I just think I am not that interesting to him. Most of his relationships are activity oriented.... his friends and our sons go hunting with him or play golf.

I went hunting with him last year, but you're not allowed to talk during the whole thing - haha! And again its like I'm the one pushing pushing pushing for intimacy and connection all the time (well, I used to until I decided to quit asking for it, felt a little naggy and useless) trying to concoct ways for us to connect. But all the activities in the world doesn't make him interested in me.

Our pastor suggested he read this book "Good Husband, Great Marriage" - he got about halfway through and said it was stupid and he wasn't going to finish it.

So.... it looks like my question is answered. This is what I have for better or worse. I need to read that book sam suggested