Growthtrac Community

[mrssem]

Ok, my husband and I have a conflict that I feel we are never really able to resolve. A few years ago my husband befriended a young woman at work who was going thru a difficult time (he tried to councel her). No lines were ever crossed, I know he had the purest of intentions when trying to help her, at the time I felt he was doing the right thing. However as time went on I became uncomfortable with the situation, that it had the potential to be dangerous to our marriage. I could keep quiet no longer and finally had to say something. I will admit that I am the jealous type, something I am not proud of, so I try to stifle it as much as possible. When I told him how I felt I could tell he thought I was being ridiculous. After many discussions he finally said well if it makes you unhappy I will backoff. Then she moved away and I thought all would be well. Then she moved back to the area and contacted him. He told me about it and asked what to do. I let him know I would not be happy if they became friendly again and then left it up to him. I never asked him how he handled it, I was really trying not to beat a dead horse. Flash forward to last night, we had a meeting a our kids school. A woman walked in during the meeting with some questions( it was obvious she was a new christian and new to the school). Later I said to my husband gee I should have reached out to her. He said I was thinking the same thing but I have to be careful of my wife. This tells me we never resolved the conflict from before and he thought then and still thinks I'm a crazy. I told him last night that this is different we would be approaching this as a couple, this is a different situation entirely. So do I try to explain to him once again how the situation was dangerous to our marriage or do I just give up? I appreciate that he wants to do what makes me happy, but I want him to understand the threat I saw to our marriage so it doesn't happen again.

[km]

Explain it as a risk management thing. If you two do reach out - you should be the main friend to women and he should be so to men.

[mrssem]

Thanks! Good advice!

[rdsmith3]

There are some positive things in your story about your husband -- he respected your wishes even if he did not agree with them. To me that says he loves and respects you, and places a priority on the marriage.

I do think that a lot of men do not understand how subtly temptation can creep into a situation, and that a man has to establish boundaries for himself to guard against these risks. The boundaries may be different for each man.

[SAM]

It's protective boundaries and hedges around your marriage, and it's really great that he honored your wishes, even if he did not understand them. However, he may understand better if you reverse the situation. What if you reached out to another man, how threatened would he be? How appropriate would the friendship be?

Personally, I do not believe in having friendships of the opposite sex. Way too often personal information about a marriage when it's having ups and downs gets shared. Any time one shares information about their marriage with a member of the opposite sex, it has crossed a line of no return.

No one, no matter how strong a Christian, is immune to temptation. Your husband's intentions may be totally pure, but the other person's may not be.

Many years ago, my husband had a cubicle next to a very cute, recently divorced young woman. I would notice at company events that she always gravitated right to my husband to have conversation. And, she would often find ways to touch him - a hand, an arm, a shoulder. That's when my radar went up and I brought this to my husband's attention. He was amazed and didn't even realize that her intentions might be less than honorable. Once, he recognized the signs, he had his cubicle moved. When he sent her the signal that he wasn't available, she avoided him.

A joint friendship together is a great idea.

[charity1]

mrssem,

No one, no matter how strong a Christian, is immune to temptation. Your husband's intentions may be totally pure, but the other person's may not be.

Many years ago, my husband had a cubicle next to a very cute, recently divorced young woman. I would notice at company events that she always gravitated right to my husband to have conversation. And, she would often find ways to touch him - a hand, an arm, a shoulder. That's when my radar went up and I brought this to my husband's attention.

My situation was very similar to Sam's except that my husband chose to ignore my concerns and continued to try to be the OW's "friend". He thought he was helping a damsel in distress, but ended up getting involved with her and almost destroying two families. Now he would give anything to be able to go back and undo the damage he has done to our marriage and hers. Very few men can resist the damsel in distress. I, personally, think you and your husband should have a heart-to-heart talk. Good boundaries are definitely needed in a marriage. Since you tend to be the jealous type anyway, the good boundaries should keep your tendency to be jealous to a minimum. It would be a win-win situation for both you and your husband.

[SAM]

Then she moved back to the area and contacted him. He told me about it and asked what to do.

Read your post again... this is HUGE! He told you that she had contacted him. He could have very well kept this a secret. It really shows how much he values you, and your marriage. He deserves many hugs and a bunch of kisses for revealing this information.

There is a really great book that came out a year or two ago by Dave Carder called Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. It would be an eye-opener for him to read this. It may help him understand where you are coming from.

[charity1]

Asking what he should do really was huge. I agree, tell him how much that meant to you. Be sure to let him know that it isn't him you have trouble trusting but the women who are needy. Brag on his good qualities, the ones other women might be attracted to, and explain that you couldn't blame other women for being attracted to him, but you want him all to yourself. He needs to be built up by you. He shouldn't feel attacked or like he has done something wrong. It sounds like he has actually done a lot right. He just needs to understand that very few people go into a friendship looking for an affair. It is the one-on-one time they spend together sharing confidences that cause the temptation.

[Donaldduck]

I think your husband is great for telling you what all he has, but in turn, why does he need a female friend any ways? remeber the vows he took and you? forsaking ALL others. He is treading on a thin line, many today dont have aproblem trying to get your man, he is a good man from what your post is saying. As a man with over 30 years of marriage, have him get some hand out info for who he want to rescue, and always be there as a couple to help any one out. To many marriages I hvae seen go to the bucket by not at least one other person by them when its the opesset sex. My concern is he is in danger of risking damage as a good Christian man, trying to help is good, but have him go to school and get a paper for the wall that will give him the knowledge he will need to be abetter help.