Growthtrac Community

[no1greaterthanHe]

I've been married for just over 2 yrs. now and I regret getting married so much. I must not have been thinking when I got married because now it seems so clear to me that i made a foolish decision... love can be so blind sometimes. I had dated a guy in high school who was a strong believer and an amazing man of God. Now I'm having HUGE regrets that I made the wrong decision as my husband does not have a very deep relationship with the Lord and many times it seems he is merely faking it.

Daily he says very hurtful and degrading things to me. When we were dating he was head over heels for me and now I never feel good enough. I try to be a great wife- serve him all the time but he never seems satisfied. Tonight I made dinner and brownies for dessert. He looked at the brownies, made a face and mean comment and refused to eat them... What can I do? It hurts so much... I pray often for him and will continue to do so. I need some advice.

[SAM]

Welcome, glad you have posted here with us at GT community.

Everyone of us, at some point in time, has doubts about our marriage or the person we married. It's normal, especially when we do not like how they are treating us.

However, a promise was made at the altar - for better or worse and until death parts us.
As a follower of Christ, I'm sure you meant for those words to be a promise forever. Not until you felt there was someone better out there for you.

There will be times that we greatly disappoint each other in marriage and hurt each other's feelings. I would imagine right now there is nothing right your husband can say or do.

However, there had to be something positive you saw in him from the start and that you fell in love with. It's still there.
It's important to find ways to find it again.

Make a list of things you admire about your husband. Then make a list of the things you would like to change. Now... pray over the list of changes, as that rests entirely in God's hands. If you can then take the list of changes and burn it in the trach or the fireplace, do so. Take the admiration list, and pray over that every day. Leave little post-it notes around the house or car to remind yourself of the things you fell in love with.

As for how he treats you, or mistreats you. Last night, did you let him know his reaction hurt your feelings?
Otherwise, how is he to know? When he talks impolitely to you, you can say, "I refuse to let you speak to me in that manner, and walk away." If things continue to escalate, it is time to consider marriage counseling.

Your example of love and Christlikeness is what will inspire change in your husband. Your example.

We can all be a bit, well more than a bit, selfish in marriage. We can hurt the one we claim to love...a lot.

Not sure how much premarital mentoring or classes you may have had before getting married. Unfortunately, many couples don't devote a lot of time to this. However, if you did, it's time to call your mentor couple.

The grass is not greener with this other great Christian guy from before your marriage. That is a lie that Satan is feeding you. He would like nothing more than to destroy your marriage.

[SAM]

PS -
Are you and your husband part of a couple's group at church? If not, that is a great place to grow individually and together. If you are part of a group, having a discussion with the leaders would also be a great avenue for someone who will pray for you and listen.

[Terri]

Please be very very careful, your husband sounds a lot like my ex husband. Before we were married everything was great and wonderful.

Shortly after we were married he started to verbally abuse me and it got worse. Until I ended up down a flight of stairs while I was pregnant with my youngest child.

Please don't wait for the physical abuse to start. Please pray, please seek help anywhere you can from family, friends, church, and here.

I'll pray for you and hope that this is something that will do a full circle and you and your husband can be blissfully happy and content in your lives together.

[Aleria]

Sadly a lot of us have been down that road but I am asking you please dont make the mistake I made of seeking comfort outside of marriage. It really doesnt seem that bad when you look at the way a new person would treat you but believe me it would be a big mistake I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage.

My husband also didnt even want to give me the time of day but trust me just hold on to God even when it hurts and you dont understand why you are going through but thats just the thing you will go through. God sees what is happening and wants you to turn to Him. Right now I am rebuilding my relationship with God its not been easy especially since I feel I have disapointed him terribly but thats the amazing thing God loves us no matter what has happened.

I have now embarked on not focusing on my husband but focusing solely on God and asking Him to change me. Realize that once you shift your focus from your husband you begin to realize that God is right there holding your hand through it all, He does see all your tears. This is not the way God intended for marriages to be.

I will pray for you and your marriage. May God grant you grace, strengthen you and give you peace and wisdom. God bless.

[dwk]

It is difficult when a spouse is mean, cruel, or hurtful. Especially when they are not being Christ-like or following Him.... been there.... I will be praying for you.

[SAM]

We can encourage and nudge, but we cannot convict the heart. That is the Holy Spirit's job.

[MisterSender]

I'm not trying to be crude or anything, but how is your sex life? If it's anything like mine and my husband's was when we went through times like these, it was not very good... i'm going to reply assuming the same for you, so take my response with a grain of salt! =)

We ladies can easily forget that men typically feel most fulfilled/loved in bed, while we feel most loved in daily interactions (yes, i know, not every case, but as a general rule). Just like I'd guess you don't feel like making him happy in that way, he could be feeling the same way-- frustrated that his beautiful wife doesn't seem very interested in him, and he is not realizing that you crave his love in a more emotional than physical way. The two ways to show love are kind of co-dependent, ya know? Anyway, in conclusion, just as your husband treating you lovingly is very important, so sex is also very important... at some point one of you is going to have to "bite the bullet" (so to speak) and restart this co-dependency. Hate to say it, but if your husband is struggling with his walk with Christ, it's probably going to have to be you. I guess that makes my advice something along the lines of: Make that man remember vividly that he is very attracted to you, and that you still find him very appealing.

Just to be clear, I am NOT advising you to use your feminine wiles as a weapon, or as a way of trying to connive your husband into being a better husband, but more as a way that he will (most likely) understand of letting him know that you love him, and as a springing board for opening up the dialogue that leads to change... Because we all know that happy boys are more open to listening than unhappy boys are =)

Also, just from my experience, I would advise you to not test your husband... I know I have been guilty of it when times were more difficult. You know, doing something nice for him that he may really like (or not), but my intention wasn't really so much to make him happy as it was to see if he would notice and reciprocate... and if he didn't, well I could add that to my mental arsenal of reasons he was totally in the wrong and I wasn't-- I was the good one, not him! I don't know if that could be what's going on somewhat or not, but I've had to work very hard to NOT do this, and instead be very, very blunt about what I needed... not just stare at his arm and wonder "will he put his arm around me?" (and of course, he doesn't because he's not thinking about it, and then I get all contemptuous, and the poor guy really hasn't done anything wrong at all)-- converting those thoughts into "hey, I'd really like it if you'd put your arm around me", and-- well, usually he will.

Lastly, I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post... I know christians + sex = awkwardness, but I don't think it should be that way, so I figured I could contribute to the revolution =) Best of luck, and you and your husband can definitely get through this!

[km]

I like the above advice.

I will also toss on an added point. It is good be nice to him (in the ways that he will understand and recieve as nice to him as well as the ways he may not even notice) from wonderful, loving. altruistic, selfless, sacrificial motives. However, even wothout those wonderful, loving. altruistic, selfless, sacrificial motives, it is better to be nice to him than it is to not be nice to him.

And - if you've followed the posts and comments here, I think you will see this as a community of very sex-positive Christians (albeit recognizing that the great gift of sex, while a somewhat wide-ranging gift with much freedom, it is only properly used within a marriage).

[Esgee]

Oh my goodness....that's ME!!!!That is EXACTLY my story!
I also married a man who was 'great' and seemed to have a walk with GOD in the early days but now...well, lets just say he's not exactly there. Then there's the perceived neglect from him, financial difficulties and my tendency to be bitter and angry. Its SOOOOOO hard because then since you (the woman) are the more intuitive one you're more likely than not the one to take the neglect, aloofness, etc AND still show the love of Christ. Basically, it means that you have to pray for Christ to change YOU and when he gives you c*&*p then you have to give him roses in return!!!
Tough, to say the least. I know cos I'm facing the same thing. I realize that the more he does to annoy me I HAVE to still show love and respect even if I dont feel them. Only Christ can help there....