Growthtrac Community

[neeny21252]

I have been off for a long time - been doing the "lets pretend it never happened - and trust God thing" now after months of me never being able to talk about my pain it seems our marriage will not infact heal together.
I ask for prayer as i have to find a way to start over

[charity1]

Neeny,
I am still here and am praying for you. What has been going on lately? Are you still with your husband?

[resecured]

Neeny,

I'm praying for you too.

-RJ-

[neeny21252]

I am still with him - if that is what you can call it? as you all know I would just get my feet on ground and bam more will come out. out of a 24 year marriage i feel 17 years of that was a lie and I try to work my way through it. His actions are "just dont talk about it - maybe it will go away" well its not and I need to talk and I feel he must listen. I dont rant when a memory comes up - the councelor had given us strategies - but seems they never get used. I wish - Oh God I wish I could just forget but I cant. I am trying to greive but I feel more alone than i did when he was having his affairs.
I find my faith in God is now getting shook - he is allowing this, he wont give me more than i can handle - then is God confused for I can not handle more!! Our Anniversary was Monday - he did not acknowledge it & that wounded me.
If a "bad" moment comes up he will avoid - this was one of his issues for his affairs - avoiding his feelings -How can I feel safe? I feel betrayed - and through my hurt I cant feel God

Please pray _ i am sinking fast

[charity1]

Neeny,
I am so sorry you are still struggling so much. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing his part which makes it doubly hard to cope. The only advice I can give you is to focus on you and your relationship with God. I have found that the more I focus on God and being close to Him, the less the things of this life affect me. After all we aren't living for this life, we are living for the life to come. We can find peace in the fact that all of this garbage on earth is just temporary. There is no justice in what happened to us, and the more we focus on how unfair our situation is, the more helpless and hopeless we feel. We have to stop dwelling on the unfairness and look for the good that God brings about from the bad.

I know you feel like God is far away from you right now, but He isn't, He is still right there. Get into His word and read. I know when you are feeling so down and alone that it is hard to make yourself do it, but that is where your comfort and strength will come from. Psalm 37 in particular was my lifeline. If you are upset with God, tell Him about it. He knows anyway. Get by yourself, get on your knees and pour your heart out. It works wonders.

I understand about feeling like your marriage has been a lie, but the fact is, your husband does still love you. He has never stopped loving you. He just let his flesh rule his life instead of letting the Spirit of God lead him. Nothing your husband has done has anything to do with you. It was due to his own spiritual problem. Try to keep that in perspective and that should help with the pain. As far as his ignoring your anniversary, what was that all about? Don't be afraid to talk to him, Neeny. After all, what have you got to lose? He needs to understand how much you need his reassurance and support right now. Acting like nothing has happened will never restore the marriage. Tell him exactly what you need from him. Spell everything out for him. We expect them to automatically know what we need because they have known us all these years, but they don't think like we do. We, women, have a tendency to think that if we have to tell our husbands what to do for us or what we need to hear, it doesn't mean anything, but in reality if we tell them, and then they do it, that should mean a lot. It means they want to please us, they just need guidance in how to go about doing it. I even told my husband what words I needed to hear from him. He was clueless. He was just like your husband, he just wanted it to all go away. Well, it will never go away. We will always have the memory, but in time, with our husbands' help, it will eventually stop being so painful, and we can go on to have a stronger and better marriage than we've ever had. The only thing I warn you about is that no matter how much you talk about it and dwell on it, there will never be any justification or answer for what he did. At some point we have to come to terms with that. I'm sure your husband doesn't even understand why he did what he did. Once we can let go of trying to make sense of it, then we can actually heal. Letting go doesn't mean it was ok, it just means we are through torturing ourselves with it, and we want to move on with our lives.

[resecured]

Beautifully expressed, Charity.

Neeny, you can survive this. Your husband does need to do his part to help you heal, though. Express yourself. You do have certain rights. You really have a right for answers to any and all questions that are going through your mind. Pray for strength to hear the answers.

Am praying for you and your healing.

-RJ-

[Getting stronger]

Charity, I love this! Thank you!

The only advice I can give you is to focus on you and your relationship with God. I have found that the more I focus on God and being close to Him, the less the things of this life affect me. After all we aren't living for this life, we are living for the life to come. We can find peace in the fact that all of this garbage on earth is just temporary. There is no justice in what happened to us, and the more we focus on how unfair our situation is, the more helpless and hopeless we feel. We have to stop dwelling on the unfairness and look for the good that God brings about from the bad.

I know you feel like God is far away from you right now, but He isn't, He is still right there. Get into His word and read. I know when you are feeling so down and alone that it is hard to make yourself do it, but that is where your comfort and strength will come from. Psalm 37 in particular was my lifeline. If you are upset with God, tell Him about it. He knows anyway. Get by yourself, get on your knees and pour your heart out. It works wonders.

I understand about feeling like your marriage has been a lie, but the fact is, your husband does still love you. He has never stopped loving you. He just let his flesh rule his life instead of letting the Spirit of God lead him. Nothing your husband has done has anything to do with you. It was due to his own spiritual problem. He needs to understand how much you need his reassurance and support right now. Acting like nothing has happened will never restore the marriage. Tell him exactly what you need from him. Spell everything out for him. We expect them to automatically know what we need because they have known us all these years, but they don't think like we do. We, women, have a tendency to think that if we have to tell our husbands what to do for us or what we need to hear, it doesn't mean anything, but in reality if we tell them, and then they do it, that should mean a lot. It means they want to please us, they just need guidance in how to go about doing it. I even told my husband what words I needed to hear from him. He was clueless. He was just like your husband, he just wanted it to all go away. Well, it will never go away. We will always have the memory, but in time, with our husbands' help, it will eventually stop being so painful, and we can go on to have a stronger and better marriage than we've ever had. The only thing I warn you about is that no matter how much you talk about it and dwell on it, there will never be any justification or answer for what he did. At some point we have to come to terms with that. I'm sure your husband doesn't even understand why he did what he did. Once we can let go of trying to make sense of it, then we can actually heal. Letting go doesn't mean it was ok, it just means we are through torturing ourselves with it, and we want to move on with our lives.[/quote]

[Getting stronger]

Neeny,

I'm reading Mark Gungor's book Laugh Your Way to a better marriage. James Dobson, Love must be tough. These are must reads!

[fishi]

Dear, dear, Neeny, I'm so sorry you are suffering!!

I haven't been here in a long, long while, therefore, I don't have your whole back story.

I will pray for you, for your marriage and your family.

Your remark that you are losing faith in God (that he is allowing this, etc.) is frightening for you, I'm sure.

This is how Satan divides us and champions victories. Infidelity is a wonderful spear and form of entry for Satan and his demons to have their way, to win souls. Maybe it will help you to understand infidelity from that perspective. You CAN'T let Satan win your soul, honey, you just can't.

Your pain is immense, I personally and acutely understand it. So don't misunderstand what I'm about to post next. Your husband is also a victim. A victim of Satan's battle for our souls. Your husband has free will to do what is necessary to reconcile your marriage, that is what GOD is permitting. If your husband isn't participating in remorse and reconciliation then he isn't doing his part (notice I said remorse - not regret for getting caught). If you have prayed and talked with your husband regarding this aspect and if your faith is truly floundering, then, Neeny, please, please, please, seek wise Christian council for what is appropraite for you to do.

I'm fighting tears for you as my marriage is in no better condition than yours. God, The Holy Spirit and Jesus are your lifeline, honey, truly He is.

I'll hold you in my heart and prayers!

[rdsmith3]

welcome back, fishi.

[fishi]

Hey, RD, thanks for the welcome.

(Neeny, sorry for the short threadjack.) How are you holding up?

[fishi]

Neeny, I have an article I saved from my earliest days of discover of betrayal. It speaks specifically to the "Phases" of Healing.

Upon Discovery you experience Suffering and Sorrow. No words can discribe the trauma and pain you endure. Many discribe it as worse than the death of a parent, diagnoses of a fatal disease, or losing their job. (Some say that the death of a child is the only pain worse than discovery of infidelity.) You feel lost, crazy, betrayed and powerless. Then you reach ambivalence, usually followed by one's shutting down internally and creating an emotional numbness which paralyzes any productive movement toward healing.

At the sametime, the unfaithful spouse wither feels shame from guilt or justified and upset that they were caught and they become beligerent. If they truly felt shame and are willing to give up their affair, their response will indicate borkenness and humility. If the unfaithful spouse feels ambivalent then they may feel relief. impatience, chronic anxiety, justified anger, absence of guilt, isolation, hopelessness, paralysis, self-disgust and grief over the loss of a lover or lifestyle.

If this is where you and your husband are at then truly, NOW is the time for wise Christian counsel.

Is there somewhere this is available for you? Deciding whether to go or to stay is a HUGE decision!

[resecured]

Long time no hear from, fishi. Hope all is well with you!

Neeny, as you can see, we know that God is your lifeline. Without him, there is no hope, period. Right now, everything is so confusing. That is where satan wants you to stay. Just remember,we know where you are right now. Lean on God!

Hope things are looking up for you and your family. Let us know how you are, ok?!

-RJ-

[SAM]

Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser is an amazing book. I pray it is one that you can pick up.

Really important for us
What happens when we live with and see things we don't understand? - we give up on God
Don't act on your eyes, don't work with your limited vision
Go to that higher vantage point – seek a greater perspective
Don't give up on God ... fly to God, call on Him, seek Him
Think back on your experience. What is your reaction when terrible things happen?
Do you run to the Lord, or doubt Him?
Do you watch for Him, or are your eyes filled with the awful things you have experienced?
Are you living by Faith?

There is peace in living by faith – your eyes are off the problems and on your God
There is security in living by faith – your mind is off your worries and on your God
There is hope in living by faith – your heart is rested in Him

The Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth be silent before Him” - Habakkuk 2:20
Silence the voices that tell you He is powerless
Silence the voices that tell you He is ineffective
Silence the voices that tell you it is not worth trusting in Him

The only way to do this is by having friends pray over you and immersing yourself every morning in God's word. Before you start your day, fill yourself with His promises. Isolation is where Satan likes to keeps us - isolated from prayer and isolated from God's word. Our desire is to run from our pain. I've always found at the other end of it, he has taught me amazing things!

Lamentations 3:22-23
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.


May he fill your spirit with his faithful love.