Growthtrac Community

[May]

I recently found out that I have a 4.5 cm ovarian cyst and my doctor sent me to a gyno specialist. I told my husband about this and that surgery was a high possibility. I told my husband when the appointment was and wrote it on the calendar, he had plans to help his family with a project that day but he would have only had to leave for an hour and half. I got all the test results to take to the specialist and showed him. 3 days before the appointment I did the paperwork with him in the room and talked with him about it. He didn't go to the appointment, he didn't call me at work after the appointment, he didn't ask me about it that night, he has not asked me about it at all and it was 5 days ago.

A couple years ago he had several different things that sent him to specialists and I went to every appointment, all turned out fine with no followup. I need to have surgery, we have been married for 22 years, and now I don't even know if he cares about me.

I can't imagine not at least asking him about medical appointments. Is it normal for guys to not think about their wife and not care about what's going on in their life?

[charity1]

May,
I think it is normal for most men to live in denial. As long as your husband doesn't acknowledge that your health issues are going on, he doesn''t have to deal with them. He may be scared and not want to go there, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. I can only imagine how much it hurts you that he doesn''t seem to care. I'm sure he does care, but if I were you, I would have to ask him about it. I wouldn't pounce on him but I would have to ask him if he has been worried at all and whether or not he is interested in what the specialist said. I would also have to comment that I would have really appreciated his support. There is nothing wrong with talking about how he is hurting you so that he hopefully will be more compassionate in the future. He can't fix what he doesn't know is wrong. If you don't say anything, he will think you don't need his support. The fact that you need surgery means that ne needs to step up and help out both physically and emotionally. Talk to him.

[resecured]

May,

What Charity has said is so true. Some spouses cannot handle when their loved one becomes "sick". I understand how you are feeling, though, especially after 22 years of marriage. Yea, I'd straight up ask him. You'll probably be very surprised at how worried he really is, deep down. Remember, some guys have a very hard time communicating when faced with something that they cannot fix.

I will be praying that all goes well for you. Let us know how you are.

-RJ-

[SAM]

It's normal for guys not to remember this kind of stuff. It's not that they don't care, they are not wired to be natural nuturers like women are.

Have you asked him if he remembered you had the appointment? My guess would be, he completely forgot.
Sit him down, let him know how important it was for him to be there with you because you are nervous about this. Let him know you are disappointed that he forgot. Let him know you need him beside you through this. And, if possible, the next time you have an appointment, ride in the same car together.

Waiting a week to see if hints or huffs and puffs, or silence from you will jog his memory, is not beneficial to either of you.

[rdsmith3]

Hindsight is always 20/20 but it might have been better if you had said, "I am really scared and I would appreciate if you would go to the doctor with me." Most men, including me, can miss the obvious at times, or deny the obvious, and the direct approach is often the best way.

[km]

Men and women are diferent.

If you didn't tell him you were scared/nervous about this, then a man would naturally assume it wasn't a big deal and you'll tell him what he needs to know. When men get together and talk, they don't analize every feeling to death - they tell each other what the other absolutely needs to know - they rest is private and we respect each other's privacy. We will be available, but won't pry or hover.

When I had my cancer, it was clear to all that my wife was far more upset about it than I - orders of magnitude more upset. From the way she bulled her way into every little detail, I often wondered if she understood it was me with the cancer rather than her. Men and women are different.