Growthtrac Community

[Terri]

Ty so much km I didn't realize were of the male species. You're help has been wonderful.

Yes, I'm trying very hard to be the best possible wife I can be. I know that I will never achieve being perfect. However, with the Lord's grace I can change as well as my views. I never tried to let things be taboo with us. My husband thankfully, has never caused to be ashamed of what we have done. I may feel dirty, and well with a lot of questions. Is this right, am I doing the right thing. Never ever ashamed.

I'm working on getting all the books that have been mentioned here. The local library is going to get them for me. Which is a blessing.

My therapist has been a tremendous help I've come a long way. We are working on this last bit for me. The therapist isn't too concerened about what my husband may be feeling. Which I don't know is a good thing or not. However, km since you are not the typical male pig. I have a question for you. You may or may not feel comfortable in answering it. So don't feel obligated. Is my problem affecting his male ego. I believe it is, I feel it is. He's asked several times if it's him. I reassure him and tell him I enjoy our special time together. I wouldn't never change it. If you were in this boat how would you like to be reassured. I've tried!

Thanks again I can't thank you enough.

[km]

Much of what you've said here would be reassuring to me - if I were your husband. You've been abused, and your responses are going to be twisted by that - he could be doing everything right, but your response would be "off" due to the legacy of the abuse. I have some understanding of that, so I might be better able to handle it, although I think it would be a challenge to me too - he does not seem to have a good grasp on the impacts of your abuse on your outlook and response (I'm guessing - from what I've read here)

If he doesn't quite understand what you're going through and your road to recovery, you might look into some books for him as to the recovery process for women who've been abused. That will better equip him to help you through this (and men do have a need to be able to "do something" about problems - we view ourselves as problem solvers) and also help him understand why you react to things as you do and why you have trouble fully enjoying relations with him (he'll find that reassuring).

[SAM]

My husband and I went through some very difficult times with our intimacy. I had to have a full hysterectomy at 28. It took six years to find the right doctors and medication to bring my libido back to functioning. While this is not the lingering long-term affects of abuse by any stretch of the imagination, it had lingering affects on our marriage.

What really helped my husband was, going to my doctor appointments with me. He began to understand the physical and psychological issues that accompany such radical surgery at a young age in a woman. When he could listen to what the doctors were saying and ask questions of his own, it made all the difference in the world in his responses to me, his care of me, and his understanding of the situation. He learned the issues weren't about him.

Tell your therapist you would like to do a few sessions with your husband present. Let him know you would like for him to join you, so he can gain insight into your struggles. In addition, maybe the therapist will be helpful to you together. It is worth exploring - together.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Terri

We are so glad you joined the Growthtrac community. km and SAM have already given you some great book recommendations and it's good you've requested them thru your library. I am going to add to the list by making 6 more suggestions All of the books are written from a Christian perspective.

Real Questions, Real Answers about Sex: The Complete Guide to Intimacy as God Intended by: Melissa McBurney
This is really accessible, honest and relevant. When I read your posts, this was the first book I thought of - as well as Marla Taviano's book (below)

Is That All He Thinks About? How to Enjoy Great Sex With Your Husband by: Marla Taviano
Written by a woman for women. Marla recognized that her sex life needed a boost. In this book she shares her own struggles and weaknesses and what she learned to improve her love life.

The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy by: Tommy Nelson
This one is frank, funny and full of personal insights.

Intended for Pleasure by: Ed Wheat M.D. and Gaye Wheat
This is a complete sex manual, with basic facts, illustrations, and frank discussion of all facets of human sexuality.

Sacred Sex - A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage by: Tim Alan Gardner
This book shows you how you can experience physical love the way God intended but also touches on the spiritual side of intimacy.

Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for Women Who Want to Feel More in the Mood by: Sheila Wray Gregoire
Having read your earlier posts, I think you might find this one really helpful.

Enjoy your journey of discovery - I'm upholding you and your husband in prayer.

FaithHopeJoy

[Terri]

Ty both so very very much. I can't express my gratitude enough.

SAM, I'm sry to hear about your hysterectomy. KM, ty so much reassuring me, that I'm doing about all I can really do for my husband. He tries to be understanding and patient but how long can a man be patient (rhetorical question lol)?

I'm finally able to see that I can only do what I have been doing. Other than relax and read those books which I hope will get her soon.

My husband has agreed to go with me. Next appt. is Monday. I know that this will all take time. I finally understand that, what will be, will be. This is only an experience that will happen when it is God's time and not my own or hubby's.

Not to be too graphic. I think I may gave gotten very close. However, after a couple of hours he couldn't wait. Poor guy!

[Terri]

Faithhopeandlove, wow, you all are going to keep me reading for decades. Lol, but yes, i will request these books too. Ty for your input it's greatly appreciated. Sry, I missed your post earlier.

[km]

Terri - You've clearly been pretty game as far as trying different activities, it isn't a matter of your refusal to try things.

The problem is one of attitude/mindset, the book list is aimed at providing a wealth of information designed to alter that attitude/mindset, and realign it to something more Biblically correct. One that sees the gift of sex in the light God gave it, that small slice of heavenly bliss that we are allowed to experience here on Earth (for women too, not just men). When one gets down to it, a woman's climax is located in the brain, until the brain is unshackled and directed correctly - all the fancy positions and activities and toys are useless.

Attitude/mindset is not all that easy to change, and it does take time and good information. You have the big benefit of truely desiring change. It is possible that you will get one or two books into the reading list and something will click over in your mind and the climaxes will commence. Given the hisstory of abuse, it may take longer, and you may have to go further into the reading list and your counseling before you get there. But you're pointed in the right direction now and getting some good information, just keep going (and praying! don't forget that part either).

[Terri]

KM, I agree with you, there isn't an overnight fix, for my problem. Just as you said a few posts back it is a gift. I will continue to pray always. I will continue with therapy. I have to in order to continue to improve. A lot of what has been said now seems clear. I understand, a lot more than I did.

My attitude according to my husband has changed, yippee!

Thanks always!

[km]

Just wait until you've had time to fullly grow into the new direction you've taken - your husband won't know what hit him (but he'll be grateful that it did).
Who knows, this might be a part of your life getting together so as to lead him to the Lord as well.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Wise words from km......

Who knows, this might be a part of your life getting together so as to lead him to the Lord as well.

Terri - God can bless you through this, so you can be a real blessing to your husband. Amen to that!

FHJ

[Terri]

Thank you both. I never thought that this situation could cause me to lead my husband to the Lord. I know God works in mysterious ways, and his ways are not our ways. Wouldn't it be something if it turned out to work that way. Shoot if it does, then my um first one will be even a greater joy if my husband can come to accept the Lord as his saviour.

I wonder just wonder if thats what is needed. Who knows, sry, i've been taking a medicine to combat my sinus problem a bit out of it. I don't look at it as a punishment from God. But well a blessing. I've learned a lot and accepted new points of view. My mom, may have suffered the same talk as she gave me and didn't fully understand that what God gaves us in marriage shouldn't be a burden or a job.

All I know at this point is that things are getting better. It helps to have a very loving and understanding husband.

All of your thoughtful responses are once again appreciated.
Thanks again to all of you.

[km]

Your husband's soul condition is more likely to be a slow turning process, think on the order of years.

[Terri]

Sry, KM, I don't quite understand what you mean by thinking of as years.

[km]

People who come to Christ through the example of the other people in their lives often take a very long time to do so - often years.

The example of God/Christ/Spirit working in your life and healing you may be what brings him into the fold, but it may be a fairly long time for this to come to pass. God works on a very different time scale than we do.

[Terri]

Ty, for explaining, I understand that His timetable isn't ours. It's just would be a bit more of a comfort to know that God, hasn't given up on us. I know deep down that he hasn't. I pray for my husband. He knows what it takes to be saved, he wants to, he just believes that he is unworthy. I told him none of us are worthy. We are all sinners, but if he can save murders, rapists, drug addicts, you name it He can forgive and forget.

It will, take time I know and understand that. I know that marrying a nonbeliever is of itself a sin. Compared to being married to a person who claimed to be saved vs. some one who isn't. I'll take my nonbeliever any day. He came into my life right before I went through a huge huge problem and without him I would have died. I think God answered my prayer with him when I asked for someone who can love, respect, and treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated. A few weeks later here comes my hubby. So I know God answeres prayer and it may not always be yes. It may also take years for a prayer to be answered. Whether it's yes, no, or not at this time.

So if I can get past my issues with him, then I know that God will help him get through his issues of knowing the Lord.

Once again you have my deepest thanks!