Growthtrac Community

[km]

While there is a lacl of wisdom in marrying an unbeliever, and it sets one up for some additional difficulties, I am not sure it rises (or sinks, if you prefer) to the level of sin. If you can be a faithful follower while married to an unbeliever, despite the extra challenges, then you've not sinned (just made life more difficult in some ways).

Not all advice given in scripture is in the sin/not sin dichotomy. Some of it is more observational advice about the human condition that is much more likely than not to be as the Book says.

[Terri]

Interesting, I suppose I must have misunderstood scripture regarding being yoked with a nonbeliever. Thanks for clearing that up. It was much more difficult in the previous marriage than now in serving the Lord.

After attending my meeting yesterday, I have a great fear in having an orgasim. In some ways it was a repressed memory sort of speaking. I had oh gosh how do I put it. Please bare with me, this is something that I remembered and can't believe I have forgotten, and it was quite odd the way the memory resurfaced. I was just talking and wham out of the blue the memory came out.

I was expecting my second child, which ended up in miscarriage after having been to the dr. for my initial exam. No big deal, I was told everything was fine. When my ex and I got home, he forced himself on me after being sore from the exam. I had a oh geez oh how do I put it, an orgasim in which men experience to put it cleanly, my ex degraded me and told me it wasn't and that it was urine. After he was done, I started bleeding and miscarried 12 hours later.

I remembered the miscarriage but totally forgot what happened after the dr's appointment. My gosh, I thought all those bad memories had surfaced already and been dealt with. This revelation startled myself, my husband and the therapist. I came to the understanding that the mind can only handle so much and some things are locked away and comes out only when we are better able to handle it.

So the therapist gave us some tips to try and suggested instead of husband continue when I start to tense. Hubby is to stop what is happening and just be more aware that I'm afraid and to let me know that whatever happens is ok. It's natural and normal. It may take some time for it to happen, but once I overcome my fear of being degraded for what is supposed to happen and realize that I can no longer have a miscarriage and that it wasn't the sex that caused me to lose my baby. It was the fact that it was God's will and for some reason I may never fully understand it was time for the baby to go home.

[km]

If I understand this correctly, then, you have had a climax - but you've associated it with a tramatic event.

Then you know have knowledge of of the root of the problem (or at least this new facet of it). That is progress.

[Terri]

Yes, but it was repressed. It just came out, I haven't thought of that since well, the miscarriage. So yes, progress. My husband now, is almost afraid I may now relapse. In fact it's just the opposite, I feel so much more alive and happy. Weird, huh? So, I have more books to read. I love to read but, I'm afraid I may never get through them all. I'm kidding!

Thanks, so much helping I do appreciate it.

[SAM]

Wow! That is an amazing story and that you were brought back to that moment of clarity to understand what may be a trigger for you. Triggers can be physical and/or emotional responses to known or repressed memories.

I pray that this is a turning point for you in your healing process.

[Terri]

Thank you SAM, I was just going to say earlier that it felt as if someone already was praying for me. I don't think I would have remembered it on my own if someone wasn't.

So whomever it was or you for that fact, thanks so much. I didn't realize I needed prayer outside of myself at least for this issue.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Terri, you mentioned:

I didn't realize I needed prayer outside of myself

By joining the Growthtrac 'virtual' community, you have given yourself the opportunity to experience the awesome power of 'corporate' prayer. I am currently enjoying Stormie Martian's classic "The Power of Praying Together" ..... but the last thing you need is for me to recommend another book. The list is already long enough

Praying for you, your 'H' and your 'O'!

FHJ

[Terri]

Ty FHJ, I didn't realize, that there were so many wonderful people out there who seem to honestly care. I wish I would have found this site months ago.

Please no more book lists, lol. I need time to eat, sleep, play, and pray. Well, maybe not in that order.

Thanks again.

[km]

I have 3 shelves of "to read" books, and several pages of "wishlist" boks at Amazon.

Just throw the suggested books onto your list and as you finish books, get the next one(s) from the list. I really like using Amazon's wishlist feature for that. If I do get to where I've read all I care to know on a topic, I just delete any remaining wishlist books on the subject.

[rdsmith3]

I am similar to km -- I have several books in a drawer at home, and a long wish list on Amazon.com. As I finish books, I will order some more.

Also, since I have a long commute, I listen to sermons and teachings on CD or mp3 files.

[Terri]

I have several books on my wish list too but not posted anywhere other than my big big notebook. That way I can add and take off as I read or purchase them. I don't usually purchase a lot of books right now. That is a luxury I can't seem to afford given the current financial situation.

I am just so thankful, that where i'm at the local libraries are now able to special order books so I read whatever is on my list. If I find that it is something I want to own I put it on another list.

So when I have a special occasion coming around thats what I tell my family thats what I want.

[rdsmith3]

Our church has a "resource room" (aka library) and perhaps yours does, too. It might have some of these books. Your local public library may also have some.

[Terri]

Rds, yes, I do use my public library very often.

My church is small and doesn't not have a library in it.

[veggiemelt]

Wow, You guys have had quite the discussion here. KM, you were outstanding here - I am proud of you. I hope your understanding, patience and loving guidance are helping matters in your own life. You guys have covered a alot of bases here and done a great job. I just have a little suggestion for you Terri, have you considered letting your husband bring you physical pleasure outside of a sexual situation? There are different kinds of orgasms for women and how those are achieved is by a different approach.

There is a physical climax, wherein you are sexually aroused and stimulated to climax. It is almost always a rushed and desperate climax, not only because you feel the actually need to "get there", but also because your partner is generally worked up as well and there is a sense of urgency and a little pressure to get it over with so he can release. Women often feel "pressured" to get there not only because we are nurturers and have a difficult time taking something for ourselves, but also because it is true that men do feel a sense of urgency that is far stronger then anything we would ever feel even at our "horniest" moment. Guys have a need to get to the end, ultimately, it is what their body is looking for even if their mind would like it to last.

For women, there is another type of climax - it is more emotional then physical and it is not brought on by sexual urgency. It is in fact created by a feeling of being deeply loved and it is not in the mindset of a female "sexual" it is an act of love wherein your body is completely relaxed and you feel completely at ease and completely safe in the arms of your husband. His hands touching you in a nonsexual manner, gentle caresses on your skin bring about a warm sensation to your entire body. It kind of feels like an irristible tingly tickle. It might make you laugh, it might make you cry, it might make scream a little, but it feels amazing and he doesn't have to touch your breasts or your pubic region to get you there. You can experience emotional release by the touch of your lovers hand, the feel of his breath and the warmth of his kiss without having sex in any form. Now of course, if you start to really let go and experience pleasure - emotional pleasure in your body - he is going to feel close to you and he will want to make love to you. But if you can get him to just think only of you for a couple of times and let you feel free of the obligation you feel to give you body to him, then you can learn to accept and recieve what you need to experience the highest form of female climax - emotional climax that is created purely of love and not of sex. Another way to achieve this is to have sex, let him do his thing and then allow him to give you this form of climax after you have shared intercourse together. It will take the pressure off of both of you.

Once you have learned to allow your body to relax and accept emotional touching, you will begin to feel something different with regard to your sexuality and to your body. You will be able to shed the dirty feelings that are associated with sex and begin to form a healthy relationship with your own body and learn to love yourself as a sexual being in God's eyes - which is beautiful. And not in man's eyes - which is an idea of servitude and shame in which many women feel dirty and wrong in enjoying physical pleasure.

And I have one more thing to say to you Terry, which I have boldly said before on this forum, God made women to be beautiful creatures. Our bodies are created to be pleasurable to a man both physically and visually. But God also created us to be soft and sentual and beautiful for ourselves, guess what - we get to love and enjoy our own bodies, we get to feel good about ourselves and love who we are both inside and out. Our mothers were wrong when they taught us not to learn to love our bodies and appreciate all that they can do. God did not tell us that it is wrong to touch our bodies and enjoy the way our own skin feels, and God did not tell us that it is wrong for us to experience pleasure by our own hand or by the hand of a lover. If you have never touched your own body and truly enjoyed it, then you need to do it and learn to not feel guilty. Go draw yourself a bath and relish the feel of your skin under your hand over your entire body. Learn to love the way your skin feels. and if you have never experienced an orgasm - then invite God into the room and figure out what feels good to you and then show your partner. Self exploration is not - I repeat - NOT A SIN. Get to know your body in a place where you are comfortable and then show and share what you learn with your partner. It is only a sin if you don't tell him and if it keeps you from sharing yourself with him or reduces the pleasure you feel in his presence. There is no shame in learning about your body and becoming comfortable with it - you have some things to unlearn so spend some private time with God and let him help you learn to love yourself as a woman and the sexual, sentual female he created you to be. You cannot truly be a blessing to your husband until you can learn to truly love and appreciate your own body and accept that your sexuality as a female and all that it means is a Gift from God and it is meant for both of you.

As for teaching your teens it is ok to relieve the "tingle". I completely agree and took the same approach with my own kids. I too did not ever want them to feel shame. Just make sure that they understand that it should never be abused and that they respect their bodies and themselves and that they are simply learning to satisfy and control their bodies and their minds in a safe and respectful way. I would encourage them to pray and allow God to be present with them so they do not develop feelings of guilt or confusion. There is a line and God is really the only one who can help them find it. Now is the time for them to learn and develop their own understanding of how they feel and what is healthy and Godly in terms of their sexuality. It is not by any means a free ticket to guilt free masturbation as that is not a good thing for anyone. I think that is where our mothers screwed up, they tried to protect us somehow by strictly enforcing feelings of guilt and shame so that we didn't get hooked on something completely addictive. I think it was because they didn't really know any other way. But there is another way and you are on the right track by being open, You are going to have a steer a little though as I have found in my own experience.

Good Luck Terri, I pray that you will one day experience true release and complete fulfillment.

[SAM]

As always, beautifully put Veggiemelt. You have an unbelievable way with words. Thanks!