Growthtrac Community

[Terri]

I have always had problems with the big O. I've been to see several dr's. regarding this matter. I'm fine they say. Try something new they say. For example, a dirty movie, masturbation, new positions.

This goes against everything I have been taught. SEX is for men only. A job I HAVE to do no matter what type of mood I'm in. Angry, happy, sad don't hold out. Whatever my husband wants i'm supposed to give it to him. ACCORDING to my pastor.

Thank heaven my husband does not agree. If i'm not in the mood he doesn't want it. I don't know what to do. I want to do God's will. I am just so very confused. My husband wants my to have the big O. However, he can't wait hours for me to finally have one. What do I do? Someone please help soon.

Love is going down.

[km]

Your attitude/upbringing is blocking you. You will have to learn (and train your body) to relax and to accept pleasure given to you. I would suggest Shannon Ethridge's "The Sexually COnfident Wife" as a start on some reading. From there, you can begin to see what direction you might need to go in for further help - you may need some more reading (along with prayer), and it is possible that your husband might need some educating too (as to female physiology and sexual response, and his technique).

[Terri]

This is going to sound rather odd, however, it isn't him. It's all me. He is great in bed. He has me talk to him and asks questions. So it's not a communication problem. My ex-husband would rape me. After therapy, and nightmares over my ex. I don't know how to let my current wonderful husband in.

I don't know my ex claimed to be a christian. However, he did beat and rape me for years. I was even told my others in the Church that I deserved it.

I left the church and my ex.

Now my current husband isn't a christian. However, he treats me a hundred percent better. He goes to church with me and everything and he doesn't hold me back on what I want to do with the church. He doesn't pressure me into sex. He asks, but I feel as if I say NO, he'll get angry. Because, that's my JOB, or so i've been told over and over. And, if I say NO i'm not doing God's will. Is it a job that a wife is supposed to give in every time.

He asks for the back door routine. I give in, even though I've been taught that is sodomomy and so is oral. I don't want to lose him. I do love him and he loves me. He Doesn't call me a cold fish. The nightmares are gone. I'm very afraid that his patience with me in bed will falter and he'll leave me. He says that I complete him in that area. That his only complaint is he can't give me the same satisfaction.

Not to mention the fact that I used to hate sex. Now, though, it's a different story. I just can't get passed the notion that I'm supposed to enjoy it and get a release.

I hope someone can make sense of what i'm saying. Too many emotions for me right now.

[km]

His technique might be good, but if he is pushing for things that you don't want to do (like anal) - then he most likely is hindering you in getting to the point of being able to relax and get into it so as to gain satisfaction yourself. Part of getting you to the point of beign able to fully enjoy a physical relationship will probably entail scaling back on some of the activities that push (or go beyond) the envelope and stick well within your comfort zone.

After you get to the point of fully enjoying things within your comfort zone, you might then be able to expand your comfort zone. But operating outside of your comfort zone is likely a part of blocking you from getting to the point of full enjoyment now.

[Terri]

Thank you so very much. It's nice just to be able to finally find some help with all of this.

[km]

Looking back - I suppose I should be happy that my awkward writing didn't utterly confuse you, and that you thought it helpful is really icing on the cake.

I do strongly recommend the Ethridge book as a starter piece of reading.

It might also help if some of the good ladies chime in with their good insights and advice on your situation.

[Terri]

No not at all, I was able to follow just fine.

The anal thing is something that happens once a year or so. Usually, it is due to the fact that he thinks it's him and getting frustrated with. Then he has his doubts about me. For example, am I sleeping with some other guy. Or, is he enough for me, big enough etc. So now I have all this added stress to everything. I'm so completely lost, Should I quit having sex. I am completely and utterly in love with him.

I'm just really confused and upset. My therapist who is a christian is still pushing the movie idea. Also wants to start relieving myself. Just so I can help my husband when that time comes.

Thanks again!

[km]

Porn is introducing 3rd parties (even though in image form), and is not proper for Chrisians to partake in. If there is some sort of instuctional * for you to watch, that might be a different thing, and could be appropriate. Climaxing, for women, is a learned response. You may need to engage in some self-touching to learn your own pleasure responses, but you should include hubby in the process to the extent that you can (even if it is just a matter of him being with you while you touch yourself). There are any number of books available (try Amazon) as to how to learn to climax - but many will not be particularly appropriate for Christians (you'll need to be discerning while readingthem). If you have never climaxed (ever), then you may wish to consider trying some sort of vibrator (initially) which might help with reaching a climax for the first few times (you should be able to go to other stimulation with/from your hubby thereafter.

I do wish some of the fine and wise ladies here would join in on this one (and maybe take it from here - I probably shouldn't be the one helping on this one).

[Terri]

OH! my are you kidding me, there is instructions on that. So let me get this straight the first time I ah um, explore the unknown I have my hubby watch. I'll get in touch with my therapist about the other instructional *. I am just a bit confused though. How, would someone like myself know the difference between what I should be reading or watching. Like I said, all of this is um ah, goes against what I've been taught from childhood.

To answer a question, No I have never ever experienced um ah the Big O. If you knew my age you'd propbably laugh your head off. For now though sex has stopped at least for me until I can get over this confusion and dessperation. I've talked to my hubby about it though. He isn't at all surprised. However, a bit dissappointed, I have never ever told him NO! At least, he has um me stimulate him but no intercourse. I hope that makes sense.

I still appreciate your help and feedback.

[km]

There are indeed instructional materials for this. The basic rule is nothing involving anyone other than your hubby (I might tend to bend a bit as a rigid rule if it were an instructional * featuring only a woman, and you do not have any same-sex attraction issues - and hubby should watch that * either). Hubby could lay with you and encourage you, or maybe massage you (although he might find it a tremendous turn on just to watch).

Anything that you do with just you and hubby, that doesn't harm or degrade either of you is permissible as far as God goes. Anything.

[Terri]

Ok. got it thanks, I'll give it a try. Oh great just what I need, hubby getting turned on and still having more fun than me I get to watch a * and learn my body and he gets to watch me. I can see this now, lol. Oh what the heck, i'll try anything at this point in time. I'll do it once by myself then I may have hubby watch don't want to look like an idiot in front of him.No I guess that isn't at all what you were saying. OK i'll give it a try.

I have read several of the other boards in this area. Some, of it is somewhat helpful others not at all. When I was a teen I wished my mom would have been more open about it. Like, this is ok this isn't. My kids are almost out of high school. I try to tell them that their body isn't a sin. If they have a huge itch that needs to be scratched fine. I have even told my son, that it's ok for him to explore himself. Without aids, like magazines, which i forbid in my home anyway. I tell my daughter that, if she finds an itch its ok to explore her self. I don't want my daughter to grow-up and be in the mess that I"m in. I even tell her it's ok to tell her husband NO! If she doesn't want to.

Sry, but NO still means NO when married despite what current law states.

I hate having sex that time of the month. Hubby, loves it I can't stand it GROSS! Anyway, I would rather have my kids, scratch that itch than to take a partner and have them become a parent before they are ready, or for that fact, to get an STD. So if masturbation is wrong and is a sin then I'll have to answer to GOD for that sin they commit. For now though, I don't want my kids to end-up like my husband and myself.

I'm just thankful that my husband loves and respects me enough to give me some time to get my self in working order. I guess is the term.

Thanks again

[SAM]

Hi Terri,

KM - thanks for chiming in. I've been away for a few days. You've done an awesome job my friend, even though you have been extremely uncomfortable at times.

Something stood out for me as I've read through your posts -

Because, that's my JOB, or so i've been told over and over. And, if I say NO i'm not doing God's will. Is it a job that a wife is supposed to give in every time.

Let's see if I can help you develop a different mindset on this issue of sex in marriage. Have you ever thought of sex as a GIFT instead of a job? Most of us derive more pleasure and fun from the giving and receiving of gifts, than we get from doing a job. At least, I know I do. Have you ever tried putting strategic bows on yourself? It's rather fun.

God gave us the wonderful gift of sex. His desire is for us to share it freely, lovingly, and without shame in the marriage bed. The book that KM recommended is a very good one.

Some of my personal favorites are:

The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment by Clifford and Joyce Penner (He is a therapist and she is a nurse.)
The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr.Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman - he also has a new one out called Turn Up The Heat - A Couples Guide to Sexual Intimacy (which is an amazing book, with lots of humor).
Red Hot Monogamy by Bill and Pam Farrel

I agree that bringing movies into the bedroom add the element of bringing other people into the marriage bed who do not belong there. You, your husband, and God. And, I would consider praying together before sex, and after. Invite God into your bedroom. If your husband is not overly receptive to this, then pray by yourself.

I am amazingly surprised that a Christian counselor would recommend watching a porn movie to spice up your love life. There's a difference between an instructional movie for couples and a porn movie. An instructional movie does not show the actual act of sex. It will show the body parts and exploration as a movie would - similar to a health class in high school.

Sometimes going back to very simple basics, rather than gymnastics in the bedroom can relieve stress and bring about new sensations of complete relaxation. Relaxation of the mind and the body. What makes you relax? For me, it is a hot cup of tea and a foot rub with scented lavendar oil . BTW - the scent of lavendar is very sensual for men. But, from there oil can be used elsewhere. A warm relaxing bath, together is even more fun.

You have to know yourself and your body and it's responses. Where do you touch yourself and have it feel good? A vibrator can cause a great deal of sensitivity for a woman who has never used one. Slow and low speed may be a good way to start.
Your fingers or your husband's gentle touch may be better to start with.

Some women do not even know that they may be very close to achieving an orgasm. You talk about an itch in one of your posts, well I would describe it as the building of a very warm itch, and as the itch gets warmer keep moving forward and not let the sensation ease. Keep at it longer. Sometimes the itch is there very quickly and other times it takes a half hour or longer to build. It's not being selfish to ask your husband to give you the time to get to this place.

I think KM's suggestion to be with your husband while you explore your own body is a great idea. When you find a spot that feels particularly good and starts bringing warmth to your insides, show him exactly where that spot is. I'm not a particular fan of touching yourself without your spouse present - it removes the experience that God created for you to experience together and build oneness. Occasional self-satifaction is not really the issue, it's when it becomes chronic and separates you physically and emotionally from your spouse that it's a problem.

There is nothing more detrimental to your marriage than using the word "NO", when your husband asks. "Can we have a raincheck?" is much more loving and giving. Then follow up with, " Can we anticipate loving each other early tomorrow morning or tomorrow night?" Be sure to call each other during the day, or send a text or e:mail. Maybe even leave a love note. NO is as dangerous as the D word in marriage. It can't be part of your vocabulary.

Scripture is really clear about denying sex to your spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Notice how the verse says "mutual consent?"

When you've been in an abusive relationship previously, there is a lot of time, care, and love needed to heal the mind and the body. It sounds like you are moving toward this place, but are not quite there yet.

[Terri]

WOW! Ok, I'm think I'm beginning to understand. If only someone had told me all of this before. No one ever said it was a gift but a job in which shouldn't be denied. As a woman there are times when I really didn't feel well like having the stomach flu. However, I still did it. Don't remember much though.

It makes so much more sense now, a gift, but aren't gifts supposed to given when a person feels like giving it. I like the idea of saying taking a rain check, it isn't sounding like you're not just saying I don't love you. Saying, I hear you respect you however, now just isn't the time.

There is a lot I have to get used to. Even though he tries to understand what this is like for me. It has to be quite difficult for me. I just don't know if I want him watching me the first time. Only because I've never done it before. The thought of him watching is making me ill. Only because I was taught that all forms of sex. Other than missionary, is sinful.

When I referred to the itch in the pants. I wasn't referring to an orgasim, but uh oh gosh how do I put it. Sorry, if this term is wrong but I don't know how else to put it. Horniness as a teenager. I encourage my Teens in self-exploration because I don't want especially my daughter to be in this mess that I am. If it keeps their virginity in tact I'll sleep better.

I will now though tell my daughter about the No part though. Unlike, my mom and pastor, I try to be open and honest with my daughter. I just wish my hubby would say more than "You better not". So aggravating!

I hope this makes sense, and I'll keep praying and seeing my therapist although now I may be having doubts about his position on some things.

Thanks for your help! You both have been wonderful

[SAM]

A gift is freely given expecting nothing in return. And, when a gift is offered to you ... what do you do? You accept it graciously with love and thanks. You don't say, "No thanks. You keep it, I don't want it."

When we think of the gift of sex as one more chore on our "to-do" list, then it becomes burdensome. The strange thing is, when you spend more time together enjoying it, your body and your mind starts to crave it. You begin to look forward to these times together.

Of course, it is harder with a house full of kids. There's nothing wrong with going into work a little later in the morning, or sneaking home at lunch. And, if the budget allows getting away to a hotel for an overnight or all day get-away, plan this as frequently as you can. Many couples don't put a once a month, or once a quarter rendezvous into their budget - but it's essential for marital well-being.

Do what makes you comfortable as far as personal exploration. But, do not deny your husband the pleasure of your body. A man feels secure in this world and confident in himself, when his wife desires him. His world seems right when he can be intimate with his wife. He carries himself with confidence, when he knows he is loved and cared for sexually. He feels like he can conquer any obstacle with her by his side.

He may really love you, but you cannot expect him to remain faithful and live without sex week after week, and month after month. God did not wire him that way. On average, a man's rhythm is every 3-4 days. You will kill your marriage if you think he will stay committed to you for a lifetime without it.

[km]

Thank you SAM -I don't think it was so much discomfort as a feeling that I may have been venturing near the bounds of propiety/appropriateness as well as not best qualified to provide info (while I've caused/provided a fair number of climaxes to a woman, I have, of course, not personally experienced a woman's climax and can't talk to the female experiece of achieving the ability to climax - young guys don't have to learn it, it is more a matter of nature thrust them regardless of what we do or want).

I've read each of those books SAM recommends - they're all quite good, and I would also recommend them (I wish my wife was willing to read any of them). I do still think the Ethridge book is best one to start with - it seemed stronger as to the mindset necessary to go with sexuality (probably due to the presentational style - the ultimate content of all are solidly Biblical in perspective, and thus they align well as to content).

As to something with a bit more infomation relating to the physiological/scientific aspects of sex, I am currently reading Cutrer & Glahn's Sexual Intimacy In Marriage and it looks have have some greater coverage in that area (Cutrer is a gynocologist).


Terri - your attitude seems right )you really want it to be "right" with your marriage), that is probably the most important factor in succeeding here - you desire the success enough to try things and to look to change your mind.