Growthtrac Community

[Esgee]

I am 28 years old, married to a 42 year old for 6 years and have never had an orgasm in my life (married as a virgin) and at this point am so disappointed and disillusioned with sex and marriage in general that I retreat to my own sexual fantasies (none involving my husband) for my own satisfaction. It has become so bad that when my husband makes love to me I space out and someone (a figment of my imagination) takes his place. Even when I want sex, its less about wanting to make love with my husband than to fulfil a physical need- not done out of love.

I feel bad and guilty about it...i just cant seem to stir up feelings for him. There are other issues in the marriage but I'm so angry and resentful that with all the other pressures can't I at least enjoy sex?

[km]

Please take a look at teh "very confused" topic in this same area - it has a lot of good information given to another woman with the same problem. Rather than repeat it all here, perhaps you'd like to join in on that thread.

[SAM]

There are other issues in the marriage but I'm so angry and resentful that with all the other pressures can't I at least enjoy sex?

The other issues in the marriage need to be dealt with first before there will be any improvement in the bedroom. As a woman, all other areas of my relationship with my husband must be in working order before my mind and body are fully engaged in the bedroom.

Yes, please check out the other thread, as KM suggested. It will help you out.

Glad to have you with us.

[km]

Was any of the material in the other post helpful?

Are there relational factors in your marriage that would cause this? I notice a rather substantial age difference, for example. If he was very experienced before marriage you might be intimidated/unable to relax. If he was inexperienced, there might be technique/cluelessness issues.

[Esgee]

Hi. Thanks for your replies. I guess this post actually belongs on the emotional section because unsatisfying sex is just a side effect of the issues I spoke of. The posts did help in many ways but, living in Africa, I dont have access to many of those books and things. I have internet at home so thats good, at least.

Yes, there is the age difference, made more apparent with time. I'm almost 30 and reaching my peak (in everything) while at 42, my hubby is winding down. I think I'm resentful bcos I feel he had his 'fun' and enjoyed sex in his youth while I nicely got the left overs! For the first time since I married, this year I actually regretted being a virgin at marriage! I know thats bad but...
Also, we have financial issues and relational issues. In short, I just feel hoodwinked and regretful. I KNOW what to do, what I'm supposed to do (love unconditionally, be respectful, study the WORD, show kindness and concern even when I dont feel like it, etc) but the intellect and heart don't seem to correspond.
I have dreams and fantasies and unfortunately my hubby doesnt really feature much in them. We're African and as such, there are cultural issues involved to. He a great man, really he is- it's just that he feels less like my hubby and more like my close friend, with very little attraction involved.

[rdsmith3]

Esgee

I am sorry you are going through this. I want to point out that even though your husband is 42, he is not necessarily winding down. A healthy man in his 40's should be able to enjoy mutually satisfying sexual relations with his wife.

A man in his 40's should still have both the desire and the ability to engage in sex with his wife.

So this tells me, as you have noted, that there are really other issues going on in your marriage.

[Esgee]

Yeah...this year has been the hardest since we got married. We have alot of financial issues and I'm the main earner in the family with a steady job so I am aware it deals a blow to his ego. The thing is...I resent it greatly when he can find the time to go out with friends almost every night and its like I have to practically run after him for sex (which I dont particularly enjoy). I know he knows that I dont climax but for me sometimes its about the intimacy.
He tells me he has alot on his mind (rent, bills, etc) but yet he can spend time and energy with friends and give me the crumbs?
I'm just really tired and fed up...
I feel like I'm watching my life slip by with an unresponsive man. I'm deeply emotional and romantic but he doesnt seem to respond well. He's even told me on more than one occasion that he 'cant be the man I want'.
This is more of an emotional issue than a sexual one but it all ties together. Gradually my husband seems less and less appealing and its getting harder and harder for me to show him love- indeed I wonder if I ever really loved him at all or if it was just the security and maturity that I thought marrying him would bring.
i just dont know...
In truth the only thing keeping me with him is GOD...what He says in His Word about divorce, patience, love, forgiveness, etc...
I'm just so unfulfilled...

[km]

I am over 50 and not slowed down yet. I don't have the same super intense energy as when I was a teen or early 20s fellow - but that translates out to not suffering from such an overwhelming urgency that it allows me to fully focus on her pleasure (to the extent that I am allowed to do so). I am a far better partner now than I ever was, even if my physical peak is well past. My desire is certainly no less, simply more controlable and better able to be focused on the mutual experience.

[veggiemelt]

Esgee,
You are in a really difficult spot, one that I well understand on many points. KM and RD have expressed that men over 40 still have a strong drive and ability. I am sure this is true. However it is not true of all men. In fact many men after 40 experience an extreme decline in desire. This can be caused for many reasons - number one being stress. If you are dealing with financial issues in your marriage - there is no doubt that it will effect him physically at least in a phychological sense. From my own experience this is sort of what happens. He most likely still has the ability to perform, but his brain is not engaging in sexual thought. He is probably distracted most of the time and when you are with him, you sense that he is not really there most of the time. You most likely do not feel close to him emotionally, because he is not connecting to you emotionally, He is not letting you in.
There is probably a certain distance that you feel and because you are female and very instinctive - it will probably register in your mind as something that you did and you may even think that it is you that is distant and disconnected.

The truth is, women have a very different sexual response then men. We need to either have - 1) really strong feelings for our partner and want to be close to them and be touched by them - or 2) have profound sexual thoughts of being romantic in the very same way with an imaginary partner. If you are under 35 and still have a regular menstrual cycle, there will be a third factor - the cycle of your period will make you feel a physical urge for arousal that is for the most part a hormonal response - your natural drive for sexual release.

One thing that is very difficult for many women to figure out about our bodies and our sexuality is that it is very complicated and it can be very confusing. Not just now, but as you go through the different stages of your life. Society tells us one thing, our mothers teach us something entirely different. It feels very conflicting and it is difficult to sort out how much of your ability or inability to respond with a partner is mental and how much of it is physical. And moreover, whether your desire for sex is to fill an emotional need or a biological one.

Men are often under the impression that women do not really want or need sex. This is completely untrue. Not only do we want sex, but we need it. But we need it for different reasons that even to us are sometimes unclear in the moment. Women will most often initiate sex when they are not physically horny. Women will initiate sex when they feel a need for emotional fulfillment, when we want to feel very close and connected to our partner. The phenomenon that you may now be experiencing as what you perceive in yourself as an increased sex drive - could actually be a very desperate desire to feel wanted because you are not getting enough romantic attention from you husband. (A point I will talk about in a minute.) Back to the female sex drive - As I said, women will initiate sex when they actually feel a need for emotional connection or attention. However, most women will not initiate sex when they feel a physical tingle in their pants. So what we often fail to understand about ourselves and what men fail to understand about us as well. Is that we are taught as young girls, that we are not really supposed to have that tingle, we are taught that we should not be horny and if we are, then we are either slutty - or lack self control. So, even as teens, we start learning to control or put out of our minds the idea of having sex when we actually have a physical urge to get our rocks off. It is very difficult for girls to go through their teen years without consenting to this urge. And most girls as teens have orgasms either by choice or in their sleep. However, most of us have been raised to see shame in it and a feeling of guilt can result that can actually inhibit women to experience orgasm as an adult. It becomes a psychological barrier, a switch in our brain that is like a reflex. We lose the ability to be sexually free and experience the physical aspect because we have actually trained our brain to deflect from the idea of physical satisfaction and sometimes even arousal. So, we have trained our brains to respond only to the emotional side which is either to feel close to someone or to feel wanted. It is all we can expose of ourselves.

The odd thing about this phenomenon is that women will throughout their lives and especially during child bearing years - still have the physical urge. And we can be and are still stimulated by simply the idea of sex. However, since the natural process has been rewired somehow in our brains - we have to turn mentally to something more. It is similar how men who watch a lot of porn begin to rely on something more mentally for arousal. The natural response has been altered and they have to cross a moral line to be stimulated. Thus, resorting to fantasy to sustain arousal with your partner. Something has to go through your mind because you can't just enjoy the stimulation or the way it feels because on some level the physical sensation feels wrong.

Back to the issue of your husband and how it effects you. If he is under extreme stress and is thinking about financial matters. There is a lot going on in his mind. Many men and women believe that sex is the strongest need for a male. This is in fact not true - the thing that men need more then anything is to be financial secure or successful and to feel respected in their profession. This involves them respecting themselves and men feel a very strong sense of failure when they are under financial strain or experience issues that may effect their job security or the level of respect they feel at work. This issue alone can literally kill a man's sex drive. His mind becomes so consumed with providing for his family, he literally cannot think of anything else. Not even you. That was really difficult for me to understand and it was very painful. But trust me, it is not because he does not love you. In fact the more he loves you, the worst it will probably be. Further, financial stress is more profound for men over 40 because they start to feel a very strong sense of losing their chance to prove themselves and start evaluating what they have accomplished with their lives. Sadly, once they get stuck in this mental state - it is really hard to get them out of it. The worst part of it is, whatever you say to him - will just escalate the level of failure that he already feels. If you ask for more time or attention or sweetly let him know that you could really use some attention - he will take it as criticism. He will try to deflect it off on you, but it is because it makes him feel like it is just one more thing that he is not able to provide.

This situation is so hard for a female, because you want to be supportive, but what he appears to want is for you to just leave him alone. Men in this state of mind will literally just zone out and they do not want to be bothered by anyone, not even you - or they will absorb themselves in something that puts it out of his mind. Like every female, you probably try to distract him as it is our instinct. And of course we by nature will go to the one means of distraction that we feel most suited for - sex. There might be times that sex is literally the last thing you want to do yourself - but will throw yourself at him to try to get him to forget whatever is on his mind. Of course this is a huge mistake, because in that mindset - he does not want sex, in fact he might even see it more as a responsibility to you. In this mindset, he is not thinking about sex at all - so when you sweetly offer out of the goodness of your heart - he will in fact be put off by it because once again - it is just one more need that he is not able to provide for you right now. And it is one more obligation that he needs to fulfill. He may even grow to resent your advances and be unkind in his response. He will turn you away and it will hurt you. And he will know it and he will feel once again even less like a man. So, to protect himself once again - he will push you away and grow more distant so that your pain will not hurt him as much.

This is all very hard for you because the worse feeling a female can have is to be sexually rejected or ignored. It sort of devalues at the very core your most inner sense of purpose - which is in fact to provide a sexual outlet for a male. It is just in our wiring. Men need to have sex. We need to feel needed for that purpose. Without it, you will feel very lost and confused and it will make you question not only your entire relationship - but your own sense of who and what you are as a woman. It starts to give you the impression that he only sees you as a friend and it changes the way that you feel about him and the sense of security you once felt in your relationship.

You need to remember, that he is not doing this to hurt you. He is consumed and distancted because he loves you so much. And he needs desperately to find a way to provide for all of your needs, but he does not feel that he can. It is a constant state of worry and stress, one that he cannot break free of until he can find the means to provide you with financial security. Men know if they can achieve financial security, then they will be able to give you all of the rest of it because their mind will be free.

You mentioned that he goes out with friends and yet has no time for you. Once again, it is probably for the same reason. He can't stay at home and face you, because he knows he is hurting you - so he leaves. He goes somewhere where he can try to forget everything. He cannot forget about his worries when he is looking at you, because you are the one he is trying so desperately to find a way to provide for. He wants to make you happy, but because he is male - financial security is in fact what he believes will bring you both to a place where you can feel content. Where he can take care of you and where you can be happy. That is what he is trying to accomplish.

Though his intentions are entirely honorable and should be respected. he most likely does not realize that on his journey to finding financial security - he is in fact destroying the very thing that makes you feel most secure - his undivided attention and appreciation of you. And he is taking a huge risk, because as a female, you need that from him and without it - you will feel drawn to something else. Right now you are forming fantasies - sexual fantasies, but what you are probably really forming is the idea of feeling wanted and being with someone who desired to be with you. This is very dangerous and it is a sign that you are in fact in trouble. You are probably in a very weakened state, and I caution you to not allow yourself to form any close friendships with another male. When your needs for attention and emotional connection are not being met, it is very easy to develop feelings for someone else.

If your husband is going through a difficult time, then it is one that is very hard for you. This is where we as women have to become very strong and play the most important role of our lives in our marriages. You are going to have to support him, by just giving him what he needs from you, and to put your own needs aside for a while. That is very hard, but trust me - it works. Stop asking for attention and just give him attention. Stop asking for sex and just show him affection. Give him some space and let him come to you. When you remove some of the pressure, you will start to see him change and it won't take very long.

I feel for you sister, place this in God's hands and stop feeling so bad about yourself. Fantasies can be a form of betrayal, but male and female alike - we have all been there on some level at some point in our lives. It is forgivable, so forgive yourself and let God help you move forward with positive changes in your life. It is a hard place to be, I am sorry you are going through this.

[veggiemelt]

Oh, one more thing - it is a proven fact that stress will cause a man's testosterone levels to decrease. Testosterone not only heightens sexual thoughts and natural drive, but it also effects the amount of seminal fluid that is produced. Though we as women show that sex makes us feel loved in some way, the primary reason men are driven toward it is in fact the urge to release. If their testosterone levels are lowered, there is less fluid producing the need to release. He will feel the urge physically less often and less intensely. Men give us affection to get sex, it is how they are wired. It is not because they don't love us, it is just the way they are made. The urge is what reminds them to show us attention and often what will draw them closer to us. It sounds a little cold, but don't overthink it, it is just the way it works.
If his thoughts are consumed with other things and the thought is not entering his mind and his body is not triggering his mind - then he is just going to feel it less. And that fact alone is going to bother him. He will feel even more of a loss of manliness and he probably won't even know why. It is a sense of losing his virility.
Something most men simply do not want to face.

Anything you can do to lower his stress level or take some of the pressure off of him will automatically raise his testosterone level and make him more strongly drawn to you. Smoking and Alchohol are another great contributor to a loss in testosterone as well as performance issues.

The result of stress on him physically is not your fault, nor is the reaction it may cause in him. You are not any less desirable or loved just because he doesn't have as much of a need for sex.

[km]

ladies - read all that veggie has to say there, each line she has placed regarding men is solidly on target.
She seems to understand men the way y'all want your men to understand women.

[SAM]

Amen, and she has a beautiful way with words.

Many men and women believe that sex is the strongest need for a male. This is in fact not true - the thing that men need more then anything is to be financial secure or successful and to feel respected in their profession. This involves them respecting themselves and men feel a very strong sense of failure when they are under financial strain or experience issues that may effect their job security or the level of respect they feel at work. This issue alone can literally kill a man's sex drive.

One more thought on this concept...
If he feels he has lost respect from his wife on the homefront, he is more likely to seek that respect through his "guy" friends who accept him for who he is - flaws and all. He'll run to spend time with them, rather than running into his wife's arms. Words that express utter disgust and frustration toward our husband's inability to provide and protect, can flush his desire right down the toilet. He no longer sees his wife as worth the effort - essentially thinking, "What's the use? Her words and actions are like stabbing me in the groin."

Five years ago, when my husband was out of work for over a year, and I was frustrated by his lack of attention - he finally opened up and shared a man's way of thinking with me on this issue. I learned to watch my words, and when I was frustrated by the lack of work opportunities my husband had, I learned to share with two close Christian girlfriends (being careful not to cut him down in their eyes too). I had to work hard at choosing and using respectiful words toward my husband. It made all the difference in the world in our relationship.

[Esgee]

Wow veggiemelt...I read your post with tears in my eyes because you are so on point.

The thing is this though: I find it hard to let go of my anger at the entire situation. I mean, things are tense to say the least. His brother lives with us and that makes the situation even more tense because I deeply resent having to practically support the man. Then when I ask my hubby to be more forceful and decisive he's like 'what do you want me to do, kill him? He doesn't have money!' . Its almost like he places his stress and his brother's well being way before mine. And its things like that that make him so irritating and annoying to me. Then I escape into my fantasies...

I understand that he's stressed out but I feel he belittles my pain in the process. He has said to me 'If you knew how stressed I am you wouldn't...' 'You obviously dont have any stress in your life if hugs and kisses are your problem' and also 'Look, I can't be the man you want, okay?' and I'm stumped. Its like 'Okay, if you wanna stew in your stuff, go right ahead'.

At this point its almost like I dont even care if he loves me because I dont feel that for him anymore. Its so hard to show love to someone when the feeling is not really in your heart. And people (esp my sis in law) always find excuses for him like 'Oh the poor man is stressed and you must show him love and respect. Dont worry he'll come around. Thats how men are'.
I'd like to know if anyone has ever thought to call HIM and speak to him and say 'Look your wife is hurting and depressed and rejected...'

I'm just afraid that it will come to the point that I ignore him and leave him to sort himself out and in the process make a life for myself (within the marriage; social life, hobbies, my kid, etc) and when he's ready to finally reconnect I won't need him or even want to involve him in my life. And its slowly getting to that point: like we have absolutely nothing but our son and bills.

I'm not sounding too Christian right about now but this is the only place I can vent without anyone knowing who I am...

[SAM]

It's okay to have a pity party - once in awhile - but not on a continuing basis. It makes us bitter and resentful.

It's not all about you and your needs, it's about what is best for your family. You are in the midst of a battle for your marriage and family survival. Who is going to put down their sword first, and call a truce? Or, are you going to continue the battle - at what cost? You have to ask yourself - is the battle worth it? Do you have to win and get your point across, and be right? Is it that important?

Since we are all flawed human beings, our spouse can never completely fill the void of touch and intimacy. There is place within us that is reserved for God. And when we try to have our spouse fill that place, we are making them our God. Undoubtedly, we then set them up for failure.

Been there, done that. I got to a point where I thought divorce looked very inviting. Seek out some counsel for your situation through the church or with a trusted mentor. Do not let your heart turn completely cold and die toward your husband. Unfortunately, that sounds like the direction you are heading. Please get seek immediate help.

[km]

When I was out of work for a long strretch after my firm crashed (and my partners banded together and 'sacrificed' me), my wife did the distancing thing - and may have pushed our long standing issues to where I don't know we'll get past them. be careful here.