Growthtrac Community

[Aleria]

I got married a year ago and i faced some challenges and failed miserably. My husband and I went through some issues where we felt our needs were not being met and we drifted apart. Instead of seeking God as we were supposed to we moved away from Him.

My husband ignored me and would not speak to me for days on end if I did something he didn't like. I was always playing the guessing game and fishing trying to figure out what I had done wrong this time. He would disappear and resent me asking where he had gone. When I would ask for time and attention he would tell me that I was spoilt by my family and should stop thinking that the world revolved around me. He always told me that I should stop expecting anyone to care about what I wanted because nobody was interested in what I wanted.
A collegue and I started talking and even though it was wrong it felt so good to be listened to for a change and found to be funny. I came alive and began to look forward to anytime spent with my collegue. We would talk for hours on end. Since my attention was now no longer on my husband and trying to fix things anymore he began to now show me interest but honestly by that time I was not interested. My emotional affair continued believing that he would meet my emotional needs and he did. That progressed where I finally did give myself to him physically. I was so ashamed about what had happened.

My relationship with God was so bad that I was ashamed to even attempt to enter His prescence. After a long while though I am finally getting back on track I told my collegue that I can no longer talk to him and I am trying to get my life right again with Christ. My heart is beginning to yearn for Him again.

My husband and I talked where i confessed to having been unfaithful to him. I was so scared but out of nowhere I got the courage to confess what I had done. He was devasted and I feel terrible for hurting him.

I will admit though that after telling him and praying to God I feel I can make a clean start as there is nothing looming over me. My husband and I cried together and he has been very angry but I dont hesitate in accepting his words as I deserve them after all I have put him through. I have asked for God's grace through these tough times and I feel Him there for me more than I have ever felt His love.

Maybe I was selfish in telling him about what I did but I felt that if we were to continue as marriage I had to do it on a clean slate and commit to making it work. I've gone back to the beginning asking God to be my foundation and especially in our marriage. I pray that my husband heals from this hurt I have caused him. Please pray for him as well.

As for my collegue I have requested he does not talk to me anymore and he has tried once and I have walked away from him asking him not to ever speak to me again. He has handed in his resignation but I am also looking for a new job now. I admit that I do love my husband its hard though to see what I am putting him through, I am determined to honour God and seek to strive for righteousness. I really want to live right for Christ and build my marriage and my prayer right now is for God to change me and make me the Godly woman that I am meant to be. Also to heal my husband from the pain he is going through. In time I do believe God is working on my marriage but i pray that He works on me I want to live right and be on fire for Him. I pray that on my renewed walk with Him He strengthens my character.

My husband is struggling though and I dont know what to do please help pray for us and is there anything else I can do

[km]

Your husband bears no responsibility for you deciding to cheat on him - but he does bear significant responsibility for the state of your marriage (prior to your own error).

You ending the affair was good. You confessing the affair to him was (most probably) good (in the long run).

You and he must now do the relationship work that you both failed to do prior to the affair. If theunderlying problems don't get addressed, you are just setting yourselves up for future failures (maybe not more afairs, but failures of some kind).

I would strongly siggest counseling for you both. And you need to figure it will be a couple to a few years to really get this dealt with.

[Aleria]

I do agree with you there but right now he is so upset that that if I were to also point out taking his share of the responsibility he feels like I am blaming him. I have tried to explain that me cheating was a terribly foolish mistake of which I take full responsibility. But in his hurting he does not (or maybe can not) see that he had a part to play in our marriage not working. Not to excuse myself at all, I had suggested counselling to which he responded he did not see what new thing someone would tell him that he doesnt know. He knew what was supposed to be done but just didnt get round to doing.

My heart right now is telling me to focus fully on God asking Him to change me and I'm believing He will work out everything else. I do know that I have upset my husband and it will probably take years to get to a decent place but I am trying. I just hop it all pays off. Other than that I just dont know...

[km]

Don't get into a blame game type discussion.

Do go get into counseling (don't say it is to fix his behavior, leave it at a "we need to do this to fix the realtionship").

[SAM]

I had suggested counselling to which he responded he did not see what new thing someone would tell him that he doesnt know. He knew what was supposed to be done but just didnt get round to doing.

If you check out scripture, it tells us quite often to seek wise counsel. Sorry, but your husband is not a wise man by saying someone would tell him something he already knows. No one knows it all.

Make an appointment with a counselor for yourself, then tell your husband when the appointment is. He will show up, or he will not. At least you will have an opportunity to work things out on your end, and discover what drove you into the arms of another man - the boundaries you need to establish - and tools to communicate better with your husband.

The responsibility for the affair rests solely on your shoulders - there is not blame to be placed on your husband.
Yes, things were broken in your marriage beforehand, and Satan knew exactly the typed of person who would tempt you.
But it's time to fix the brokenness, whether your husband participates in counseling or not.

If he starts seeing positive changes in you, then he may feel counseling is worthwhile.

Question -
Did you seek out premarital counseling (4-6 weeks or more) prior to your marriage? If so, why not make an appointment to see this couple or individual again?

If you did not seek premarital counseling, what was the reason for not doing so?