Growthtrac Community

[mleotacybercop_2000]

PLEASE READ AND HELP!!!

I was married 1 year and 7 months ago. This is my second marriage , her third. I have an adopted child from the previous Marriage and she has a 6 year old and she gave birth to our baby girl and she is now 9 months old.

I really don't know what to do or to think !!!!!!
I was getting my divorce and she was a friend to me coming over and talking to me . I was drinking heavy then trying to drown out the past. She was there and was my best friend. One day I told her that she had to stop coming over cause I was having feelings for her and our feelings were mutual . She had told me earlier that she was pursuing me..lol..... I was afraid of telling her that i wanted her instead of the ones I was dating here and there. We began dating and before we were saved things were hot and heavy.
I went through and still have some trust issues. Thinking I am not good enough for her and wondering if she is messing around. It has consumed me to the point where I don't know what to do. Arguments have been started over it and tears too. I was saved and baptized 3 months ago and it feels like the devil is trying to sneak those old feelings back in my mind. My other problem is that we are not intimate at all. its been like 1 month. its still " I Love You " and a peck here and there , but not like before. We have talked about it , but all I know is that it is WORK, KIDS,Projects then bathe the kids and put them in bed . She has to get my step son to sleep by laying down with him and she usually falls asleep in there with him. . I feel like maybe i have done something wrong and feel rejected. I noticed that before we both just initiated whenever, now its always me. I feel like I am making her go through with intimacy . I feel like she doesn't want me. In my thinking if a man doesn't feel wanted he will lose interest and any outside advances would be welcomed. It hasn't happened but I Just want my wife back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Terri]

Ok, I may be wrong, but do you help your wife. Do you try to put the kids down yourself. Set-up regular bedtimes. It's hard at first. Trust me it does get easier. so here's a few tips for that.

1. Tell the child a story, prayer, hugs and kisses

2. Tell the child good-night

3. Leave the room

If the child gets up tell the child good night and put them back to bed

If they get up again don't say a word take the child back to bed.

It worked for me when I was raising my niece.


Try drawing her a bath to help her to relax. Help her fix dinner, my hubby and I do that, and well what used to start in the kitchen ended up in the bedroom.

Kids, take a lot of energy and it can sap the life right out of a person, then if she's working my goodness she's probably near exhaustion.

The next problem is you thinking she may be cheating try taking the kids for a whole day and doing what she does. You'll see she doesn't have the time or the energy. My husband's first wife cheated on him. So when I'm not exactly in the mood that was his first thought. After doing everything I do he soon realized there isn't time and no energy left but to sleep.

Pray and pray hard for piece of mind. I don't have a list of books to read or anything like that but don't worry I'm sure a lot of the good people here will have several lists for you lol. You should see the list I have.

In all seriousness though, they are great people and really seem to care. Good luck and take care.

[SAM]

Sex needs to purcolate in the mind of a woman, similar to a crock pot. Add a little dash here, close the lid, come back an hour later stir, and add a few more spices. Come back an hour later and stir again. As for men, set the microwave to one minute, and "ping" - you're ready!

Terri made some great recommendations, and this stage in your life with children is a really tough one. Sit and talk with your wife about regular bedtimes for the kids - perhaps 7:30-8:00. If there is cleaning up to be done from dinner, or laundry to fold - be sure to help your wife with these things. And, if the kids needs baths and bedtime stories help there too. Also, do you cook and prepare any of the meals?

There is a mental list your wife has each day that is three miles long of all the things that needs to be done in your home. If you can help her whittle down that list, it leaves mental room for sex. The six most romantic words she can hear from you are: WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

One thing my husband and I had to do is - schedule sex. We planned on it no less than once a week, and sometimes more. The date was put on our calendar, and nothing - I mean nothing - interrupted it. We left each other little notes that reminded the other we were looking forward to our time together, or sent the other a text or e:mail. We would even save dinner until after the kids were in bed.

It doesn't sound like your wife is deliberately avoiding you - it sounds like she has her hands full, and sex may be one more demand on her plate and she is simply overwhelmed. IN the meantime, she has a hubby wondering if he is still desirable. I guarantee that you are. However, when is the last time the two of you got away for an overnight stay somewhere without the kids, or you had the house to yourself without the kids? Women need these times to clear their minds and prepare their bodies for intimacy.

Satan has an amazing way of drawing sex and passion into the picture before marriage, when biblically, we know this is not the direction God wants us to take for our intimacy before marriage. Then once we are married, the intimacy has a way of disappearing, to the point we look for and seek it again outside of marriage. Such deception is weaved into our minds and our hearts. If you are hearing the words in your mind, "You deserve more, you deserve better", these are obviously not the words of God.

If these feelings on inadequacy and jealousy keep resurfacing, it may be important to meet with your pastor and/or a counselor to talk these things through.

Praying for you and your marriage.

[mleotacybercop_2000]

Thanks for the advice.

I don't think she is ready to let go of her putting him to bed just yet.

She is wired totally different than most women . I have tried several different things to help out but it appears to be the same or just a chance to get in bed early. I have realized that hot baths don't work!!! Massages used to be fine now they give her a headache.....I still choose to love her no matter what, and I am not doing all this to get a response or action!! That is why I say she is totally different from most women!! This is a Good thing and bad !!!! lol

[km]

I think she has at least 2 sisters. RD & I seem to have married them.

[rdsmith3]

I don't really have much to say. You seem to know what to do. The hard part is waiting on the Lord and trusting in Him, and realizing that you cannot change her, only yourself.

I usually put our toddler to bed. He went through a difficult period, but it got better. I actually turned his room's door knob around so the lock is on the outside to keep him from leaving. Call Family Services if you want, but it worked for us. He learned to stay in his room. I read him books almost every night; we say prayers; I lie with him for a bit; then that is it. He knows the routine by now.

One positive note is that your wife is putting her step son to bed, which will help them to bond, and which also tears down walls in step families.