Growthtrac Community

[feathers]

Hello. I was happy to find this forum, hoping that I will find Spirit-led encouragement and guidance. This is ridiculously long & I apologize. THank you so much in advance.

What I probably need most:
resouces! prayer! and reminders! I need to do this God's way and that is a moment-by-moment struggle right now.

Mixed: my husband & I married with an intention to "raise our children in the church" but did not have active faith. My faith was subsequently renewed.

So. My husband now says his recent infidelity is done and says he will go to counseling with me. He travels and is not yet ready to switch careers entirely, so that exacerbates trust issues. I begin with a Christian counselor alone today. We still have an elementary-aged child alive - our child is believes Christ's promises and is growing in faith.

I believe I am called to bless our home. I believe that God will bring my husb back to Him. I pray for that, but know that HOW he is brought back to God may very well be incredibly painful.

I struggle daily - probably hourly - with fear that then becomes anger. I've been challenged to grow as a truth teller -- say what I observe rather than just think it. I've also been challenged to:
"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" and "do not repay evil with evil" (unhelpful conversation and snooping)

Right now I struggle with protecting my child, making my husb's bevahior clear to him, and trying to see whether I'm being a doormat, or learning to have faith that God has a plan even when I don't see more than 5 minutes forward. (oh yeah, also trying to look at the logs in my own eye!)

I should say that I was not at all tapped into my relationship with my husband after the death of our child: we grieved separately. So, while I know I didn't make him behave like that, I did help create an environment where he might choose to fail by behaving that way.

thank you again for any scripture, resources, or ideas you might share

[SAM]

Thank you for coming to GT and for pouring our all your pain and sorrow right now. I am sure this has to be a terribly unsettling time for you.

I am so grateful that you have been given the foresight to seek counseling during this difficult time. Stay with it and work on your heart and growth in Christ and let God do the work in your husband. You cannot change your husband's heart, only your own.

As for your child, I do not believe you would be making a wise choice in making your husband's behavior clear to him. I would discuss this with your counselor but I have to ask, "Of what benefit would this be to your child?" Other, than to relieve your anger and mistrust of your husband.

There are some wonderful books out there - the first I would recommend is, "Every Heart Restored", by Stephen Arterburn. Also, "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. Both books deal in the aftermath of affairs and the restoration process. James Dobson's, "Love Must Be Tough" deals with more difficult choices and decisions when a spouse does not want to end their affairs. Lastly, a wonderful book for your husband would be - "Every Man's Marriage", also by Stephen Arterburn.

Is your husband willing to attend counseling with you? If not now, later?

I have prayed for your marriage and a layer of protection for you as you takes steps toward healing and restoration. All of the feelings of pain, anger, resentment and wanting to cause him pain are normal.

Where is your husband in his faith? Are you active members of a church?
Are you able to pray together? Please consider the Power of a Praying Wife and the Power of a Praying Husband as well as the Power of Praying Together by Stormie O'Martian. We all have to start somewhere.

I pray you will be able to restore your marriage. It takes one moment at a time, just one moment. Sometimes hourly is just too much to deal with.

[webacus]

Hi Feathers. Welcome.

I'll add these resource pages:

http://www.growthtrac.com/special/affair/
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/counseling/
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/grieve/

[feathers]

Thank you for the suggestions. I'd read one of the articles & will go out and find the others listed, plus just went out and got the "Praying Wife" book (my husband does not currently attend church. he'd started at the beginning of this summer.)

re "As for your child, I do not believe you would be making a wise choice in making your husband's behavior clear to him. I would discuss this with your counselor but I have to ask, "Of what benefit would this be to your child?" Other, than to relieve your anger and mistrust of your husband."

I should clarify my poor writing...
"Right now I struggle with protecting my child, making my husb's bevahior clear to him"
-->> I meant husband's behavior clear to my husband, not my child! That DID sound really really horrible.

[SAM]

I understand - thanks for clarifying as that had me a little worried.

When we marry God has a plan for us be be joined as one with Him. Unfortunately, we don't always move in the same direction spiritually as a couple the way God intended us to.

First, we need to work on our own relationship with God and how to grow that into becoming a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ. From there, if our spouse is also working on their part of the equation, we then have an opportunity to grow upward toward God together. Kind of like a triangle where we are at the bottom two corners and God is as the top.

If during the marriage, one partner is not growing, is not willing to attend church, is not willing to pray, is not willing to have other Christians as accountability partners and to do life with, then our marriage has a tendency to fall apart because we are not operating in a way God designed it to be. There has to be three components a couple needs to work on to grow their marriage spiritually - God, Servanthood and Connecting.

1) A commitment made by both parties for Jesus Christ to be Lord and Leader of their life.
2) The heart of a servant - Jesus Christ. Where your needs and desires are secondary to the needs of your spouse. God first, your spouse second, job third, then your needs are further down the list. When God is not first and your spouse is not 2nd - there is bound to be turmoil
3) Connecting - attending church together regularly, praying together, bible study, serving together all need to be part of a marriage.

Until my husband and I finally "got it" (all those items I've listed above) we were fighting each other with everything we had. There was no harmony in our marriage. Once we took these three steps and implemented them into everything we do as a married couple, our marriage finally turned into all that God desired it to be. It took both of our hearts to be committed - we made a choice to love each other with the love of Christ. Love is a daily choice - not a feeling.

It took a lot of counseling for us and I pray you and your husband will be committed to it for the long haul. A word of caution - I had to be very careful to not go into our counseling sessions with a list of things my husband had done wrong. I had to go into it with the attitude of show me what I can do to make this marriage work. That's right! What I had to do - not what he had to do. Once I felt I could focus on my shortcomings and start correcting them, God worked on the rest.

[feathers]

So I've now read "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder (amazing), nearly finished "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne Bercht (also quite good), praying through "Power of a Praying Wife", and working through Beth Moore's Bible study on faith in a women's group (HOW TIMELY: Faith is not seeing what tomorrow looks like, but KNOWING that God has it in His hand, and KNOWING that He has plans for me to grow).

Aside: I am assuming that the only way my child will be better off in divorce is if dad continues to stay out all night even when he is in town, and continues to thereby demonstrate some major integrity and honesty issues --ongoing, unconfessed, entrenched sin -- that my child needs to see me clearly name as unacceptable. I have no thoughts of remarriage, grass is greener, or the like. Divorce would do horrible things to me in all imaginable aspects (espec with my disability and related work constraints), and would do horrible things to my child on all fronts.

That said, I am not sure what "continues to stay out" means: I am praying that I will somehow know and somehow accept God's strength to be courageous if I must draw a line in the sand, or if there is something else I must do.

It is these behavior observations (absence & failure to deliver as promised...I don't think my child yet understands what staying out all night means, which seems good at this point) that my child, alas, has already made. I guess the good news is my child understands lying is bad, and he feels safe enough to tell me and to tell dad.

Calling this good news is truly the silver dust on the black lining of a large funnel cloud. A stretch. But I'm working hard at hope. And if (if?? when!) bad things are going to happen, I want my child to learn to talk about them directly with the right people, learn to talk about them with God, and learn to recognize God's help. I guess his childhood gift will be learning to be strong in disaster, alas.

Aside: "hope is an unbearably precious thing, worth its weight in feathers. If that's too much to think about, best to tuck it in a pocket anyway, and make it a habit." Barbara Kingsolver

I'm praying earnestly for God to help my unbelief that creeps in with fear, as I struggle continually to understand what will be next. I'm praying for strength and honesty and wisdom, that I will do MY part, and SAY what needs to be said and what I observe in all love AND honesty. I know my silence and fear has contributed to the problem. It is my sin.
And I'm praying that my child's heart will learn the good lessons of how to see God, and not the bad lessons of how to practice deceipt.

I am visiting family this weekend with my child, and may leave a letter requesting some specific changes (giving me name and number and acceptable times for counselor by Sun p.m., possibly asking him to think about coming clean on everything or coming clean on a specific list of items that I know about -- fear, fear, fear --). Or maybe not. I'm very full of fear about asking for anything.

Truthfully, I am STILL struggling with control issues: aside from his adultery and anger, I've been mostly focussed on how my own behaviors have caused this (espec my silence instead of loving honesty and my failuer to communicate or admit my needs or hopes).

I think I need to read Dobson's stuff (deadlines? consequences? I haven't done any of that). Husband's beliefs are not entirely closed to God, but are enormously blocked by anger (child's death) and sin, I believe. I pray earnestly that God will do whatever is necessary to soften husb heart to see God. I knew that "whatever" could be awful and huge. It seems that this is true. Now, faith to know that there is something on the other side. Fear, that it is not what I want.

[SAM]

Dobson's book Tough Love is excellent. Also, Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn.

There is no commandment that says, "Thou shalt be a doormat."
If I'm reading this right, the continued behavior of a husband who is out at all hours and does not tell you where he is at, is not acceptable under any circumstances - whether he is in town our out of town. It's called drawing the line in the sand. Either he is willing to do what it takes, or he is not. He cannot have it both ways. My other concern for you would be that he could bring home a sexually transmitted disease to you.

He has to do everything it takes to win your trust and assurance back. He has to be willing to answer all calls when you make them, be home when he says he will be home and essentially be a promisekeeper in every aspect of his marriage to you. If he is not willing, then you know the true condition of his heart.