Growthtrac Community

[burunx]

I am 36 (as is he), we have been together 10 years and are not married. No kids. We lived together for 6 years and i moved out in November. We see each other every day, but it is still the exact same relationship as when I lived with him. Only i don't feel as much pressure for sex. His hopes were that this separation would help us figure things out, so he still wants to marry me. I on the other hand, don't know WHAT I want and am just as confused. I have NO libido! Although i see the problem being my fault, in order to make things work i feel as though i need his help. i have told him a couple of times since moving out and no change. I think i would need more affection, more non sex touching, more attention to begin to at least want to fake wanting to have sex with him. The first 3 years of sex were great. he tells me that at times he wanted to go to sleep, but didn't want to refuse ME.
soo... many things going on-this is barely the tip of the iceberg sticking out of the water.

Is it really so black and white for guys? sex=happy and no sex=miserable

It is very hard for me to understand...I just do not have the urge anymore. I would be perfectly fine with the relationship status quo if it didn't make him so angry, resentful, and well...****y.

I still love him, think he's sexy (i still feel my heart jump when he comes out of the shower), is my best friend...i just don't need to have sex with him. Then again, DO I love him if I don't need (or really want) to have sex with him?

Granted, my lack of libido may be related to depression, stress, a reaction of his reactions to no sex,etc., but I should still put out, right? What would it take not to be miserable? Missionary once a week before we go to sleep? Head in the car once a month? What would it take for you?

This is the most ridiculous part. Now that we haven't done it for so long, I feel weird (awkward, embarrassed, not sure exactly) to initiate anything. I would be faking it, faking wanting to **** him. Is that ok to fake it?

I can't tell you how much it might help US if you could inform me a little. We too have talked it to death...your insight might affirm or inform just the same.

[SAM]

soo... many things going on-this is barely the tip of the iceberg sticking out of the water.

I think you've said it all in this one sentence.

1) You've come to a Christian marriage website.
2) Expect Godly wisdom and perspective - perhaps no sex before marriage might not be such a bad thing. It would give you both a fresh start and help you concentrate on improving communication and conflict resolution skills. It doesn't appear to have been beneficial to your relationship thus far.
3) What is really beneath the surface of the iceburg?
4) Following your own path hasn't worked out - consider investigating God's design for marriage. There are a lot of great articles in Growthtrac.
5) Consider a complete physical to determine if your hormone levels are low. You should still have sexual desire at the age of 36.
6) Consider counseling for both of you if your are committed to making this work.
7) Yes, men think about sex a lot more often that woman. And, yes it makes them extremely happy when we show interest more than once a month.
You don't mention anything about a commitment to Christ, church, community, etc. Maybe that is something to consider in your search to work this relationship out.