Growthtrac Community

[shannon]

I am from Illinois and in July of 2004 I met a guy from South Carolina on a mission trip to Los Angeles. It was totally a God thing how everything was orchestrated. We ended up talking on the phone and visiting back and forth for a couple of months. The first time he came to visit me in IL we both knew that we were supposed to be together. He is a youth pastor and when I visited him in October of 04' I knew I was supposed to move to SC. We prayed about and left it in God's hands and asked God to speak to my father for the blessing to move. My father took me out to breakfast and gave me his full blessing to move to SC. I moved in with a couple on staff at the church in January of 05' and after a couple of months we decided not to prolong the obvious and my boyfriend drove to IL to ask for my dads blessing to marry me. My dad gave no answer at the time. My boyfriend asked my dad what was required of him to marry me and all my dad wanted was to see what kind of insurance he was going to have and how he was going to support me. My boyfriend continued to stay in contact with my dad about how he was hired on full time at his church and was about to buy a house. Still my dad gave no answer after two months. My dad always beats around the bush when it comes to big issues so I called him to tell him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. He said thats what I wanted to hear. Then he called my boyfriend and said he had his blessing to marry me. My boyfriend proposed a week later. He didnt call my family to tell them he was going to propose b/c he wanted me to be the first to tell them. They were FURIOUS!!! My mom was coming for a visit two days after my engagement and it was not an enjoyable time due to the fact that she and the rest of my family was so upset about not being told about our engagement. On the day my mom was leaving I forced my mom to go to breakfast with us b/c I knew something was bothering her. It was a heated discussion and my mom started a fight with a huge attitude and attacked my boyfriend and his family. My boyfriend got defensive and my mom took as a huge disrespect. I went in July to plan the wedding my whole family was still upset and we ended up postponing the wedding. My fiance drove up to IL and it was not a pretty site. We had a conversation in July with my dad, mom, fiance and I. We apologized and wanted to know what we could do to work things out with the family and my mom started crying and said my fiance had ripped me away from them. It got heated and we were going back and forth. When my fiance got home my dad called him a week later and said he disrespected his wife and as far as he was concerned the wedding was off. My fiance and I was going to go to IL for 10 days during Christmas to visit the family but my mom refused and only wanted me to come. I went home alone from November -05' to Janurary 06 to visit my family and plan the wedding "again". We are trying to live at peace with all men during this time by even having the wedding in IL instead of SC and no one wanted to accept the fact that I was not moving home and I was still wanting to get married. We have been willing to admit where we have been wrong and learn from that but they are still holding that against us. It seems that no matter what we do we are in the wrong and everything is our fault. So here we are in March 06 with no wedding plans whatsoever and I am so hurt and confused over the whole situation. ANYONE PLEASE HELP!!!!

[webacus]

Hi Shannon

Welcome and thanks for posting.

Clearly, this has been a very unpleasant time for you and your
fiancé — a time that should be exciting and filled with joy.
And clearly you both have gone out of your way to make things
right with your family.

I don't see where you and your fiancé are at fault.

A few observations:

- Though not required of him, your future husband graciously asked permission to marry you.
- Your father (finally) consented
- That permission implied permission to enter in to an engagement
- And now your parents have withdrawn their permission?

First, you have every right to go forward with your marriage.
It may be the polite and respectful thing to do, but you don't
need their permission.

Your parents have a problem letting you go.

You're probably familiar with what the bible says about leaving and cleaving...

When you are married — and as you get closer to marriage — you and your
fiancé need to leave your parents and cleave (connect) to each other.
This is a process that can take time. The key is you can't let your parents
(or families) interfere with your relationship.

You and your (future) husband must be priority one — even before parents.

Sometimes this is an issue for the bride or groom; sometimes it's a problem
for the parents. In your case it's your mom and dad.

I predict this issue will continue beyond the wedding date.

Go forward with your wedding with the support of your fiancé's family.
Don't turn your back on your parents, but make it clear you have their permission,
you have prayed about this, and you are moving forward. You
are adults and you have made a decision.

This may not be the dream wedding you were counting on, but you
guys are facing a challenge and you'll need to start making some hard
decisions.

And... I suggest you both engage in some quality per-marriage
mentoring.

They may come around.

[SAM]

There are two great books I would recommend for you and your fiance to read - Boundaries by Henry Cloud and the other one is Boundaries in Marriage also by Henry Cloud.

I am the mom of two girls. Both son-in-laws asked our permission to marry the girls. My husband and I did not expect the men to tell us when they were giving the girls their rings. That was a surprise for all of us to enjoy.

A couple of things seem to be taking place with mom and dad . I also had my one daughter read this post so I could get her input as well.

1) Seems dad/mom wanted you to slow down on this relationship and that is why they waited two months to give you permission to marry.
2) You honored your parents by asking permission to move to South Carolina.
3) You honored them and God by moving in with a church family and not moving in with your fiancee
4) You honored them by asking permission to get married - which was a hint that you would eventually become engaged.
5) You honored them by including them in the wedding plans and by compromising and getting married in Illinois.
6) You honored them by postponing your original wedding date.

There appears to be an issue with control and letting you go. Seems mom and dad want to have control over every aspect - not a good thing. A couple of clues about this in your post are -

1) Mom said your fiancee had ripped you away from them (HUGE CLUE)
2) Your dad said the wedding was off (not his decision to make)
3) Not allowing your fiancee to come home with you for Christmas

Leaving and cleaving is the process that God calls you to do when you get married. It means leaving your family and cleaving to your spouse. Sometimes mom and dad have a really hard time with the leaving part - they don't want to let go of their child. And, that is what appears to be happening with mom and dad.

If you and your fiance/his family can afford it, plan to pay for your wedding yourself. Or, make it very small and affordable by planning a family dinner after the ceremony without 150 guests. Otherwise, it's possible mom and dad will want to have control over all of this as well. Moms can become very upset if they do not have input into every detail of their daughter's wedding. You see mom's also dream about the day their little girl will get married and what the wedding will look like. You may have to continually tell mom and dad - "this is what we want, please respect that." Let them know your plans, all the particulars of when and where and what you and your fiance have decided. Mom and dad will honor you by letting you make adult decisions.

If you and your fiancee can plan to have a third party involved to meet with your mom and dad - that would be a wonderful. Perhaps a Christian counselor here in Chicago or a pastor at the church. There is a sense that mom and dad will continue to stay angry no matter what you and your fiancee do. There needs to be someone who can take a step back, evaluate your family situation and make recommendations. They can listen to both sides and have each of you speak your minds without interruption or anger. I think if you and your fiancee set up this time with a counselor/pastor, it would be honoring to mom and dad and to your future marriage.

If mom and dad refuse to go, then use this time with the pastor/counselor for yourselves. You'll need this time to figure out how you will handle your family issues in your marriage. Your loyalty will be to your husband first, then mom and dad. Mom and dad may not agree with this approach from what it seems.

Pre-maritial counseling of 4-6 sessions is a wonderful way to strengthen your marriage. It gives you a head start that many other couples do not have. Family issues can be discussed, including communication and conflict resolution styles, expectations and concerns for marriage, finances, etc.