Growthtrac Community

[melaniestudley]

I would love advice from anybody who has gone through this! My husband lied to me for our entire marriage (5 years) about his lust issues, and just recently admitted to looking at porn online regularly for over 2 years in a row, (both my pregnancies). I have a 3 month old and a 19 month old. I am completely heart broken, and devastated. I have been so open and honest with him, and he looked me in the eye and promised that he didn't have a problem.

I do forgive him, and we have talked about it, and I understand that what he did is sin just like any other sin, and God does not count it worse than gossip or stealing. But.......what I need help with is how on earth I am supposed to want to be with him at all!!!??? I don't want him to touch me, look at me, talk to me, kiss me, anything. I get so hurt realizing that he "chose" and "looked up" other women online, that I cannot stop the feeling of nausea when he gets close or tries to touch me. It is not anger, it is a deep wound, a hurt so far reaching that I can't seem to escape it.

If you have dealt with this please give me some advice. I know in my heart that God does not want me to be distant as a wife, or recoil from my husband's touch, I KNOW God does not want that, but what can I do? My husband has been so damaging to me emotionally, verbally, and now sexually that I don't know what to do! I know my beauty is not in my husband, but in Jesus, but I am not physically married to Jesus, and I do not live with him and sleep in a bed with Jesus, so what do I do? Please help! thanks, Melanie

[veggiemelt]

Melanie,
Welcome to GT. The issues of lust, masturbation, and porn plague most men, and though it is very difficult as a female to discover, accept, and recover from the effects of it. It is in fact not unique to your husband or your situation and foremost it is not your fault. In fact, these issues have little or nothing to do with you, it is every man's curse and every man's battle. As young women, we are never prepared for the discovery of what really goes on in the male mind, we innocently believe that we are the one and only women in his life and there fore the one and only woman whom he sees or thinks of as a sexual partner. It comes as quite a devastating shock when we discover that this is indeed not the case.

It is not anger, it is a deep wound, a hurt so far reaching that I can't seem to escape it.

I know this feeling all too well, and everything that goes along with it that is virtually indescribable. And I could talk about all of those feelings here and the damage that the ongoing thoughts of doubt, uncertainly, and confusion that continue even after years to creep back into my mind. However, for today, I am going to only tell you what I have learned in how to recover and cope rather then validate what you already feel.

There are any number of reasons why your husband may have fallen to that temptation, and most of them had never before crossed my mind. Here are a few.
#1. Stress - stress is one of the greatest factors for a male in dealing with a growing family and the pressures to provide. Physical Release, is a temporary relief of that stress. Plain and simple - he is just looking for something to make him feel better and often times men will carry that burden of stress of their shoulders and not share how greatly it effects them, therefore, they also release that stress - alone. It is in a sense a complete removal of us in the parts of their lives that cause them the most worry - and the reason is because they are protecting us not only from the worry, but from the weakness that comes in that.
#2. He does not want to burden you. You are caring for children, they are your first priority and he knows it. He feels second to them and therefore often will rely on you less for his own needs, not just sexually but in other ways. Men have a difficult time when children come into their lives, because the woman that he married who loved and cared for him, now focuses most of her time and energy on his children. He feels a little lonely, or rejected, but he also knows that for a woman, her child will always be number one. In some ways, he may feel replaced. It can cause a seperation which will often make a man feel less connected, especially sexually to his wife.
#3. He is angry with you. If your life has become very stressful and you are cranky and tired and maybe nag him because you feel over whelmed with the responsibility of your children, he may be distancing himself from you. Raising babies is hard, and you may feel that you need more help from him and you may feel he is not giving you that support. It can cause feelings of resentment, which can come out in a very nasty tone. Men do not like this when we turn into a women who is not happy or who is cranky. He may in fact not feel attracted to you, not because of what you look like - but because of the way he feels when he is around you. In other words, if you are unpleasant - he probably doesn't really feel like making love to you.
#4. There is often a sense of confusion in men after women have children. The body parts that he once viewed as sexual, are now the parts that bore his children and make you a Mother. A lot of men have difficulty with this. If you are breast feeding, a sense of something strange or confusing will probably remain in your husband until you have stopped breast feeding. Do not let that stop you from what ever choices you have made with your baby, but you may want to consider or remember that there is confusion there and try to let him see you in a sexual or sentual sense when ever possible. The confusing feelings will go away, and you can help that happen sooner by not pressuring him sexually, but also by giving him time alone with you and by letting him see you as a woman, seperately and independantly of seeing you as a mother. A huge step in accomplishing this - is to not let your children sleep with you, and by spending time alone without your kids, especially overnight if you can.
#5. Lust is primarily a man's sin, it is a daily temptation for them. It is just the way they are wired, but men are responsible to learn to control their thoughts and not fall to temptation. If he falls to temptation it is not your fault, and if viewing porn causes his expectations to become unrealistic, that is entirely his fault and he needs to recognize and correct what ever behaviors he may have that inhibit his desires for you. Remember that this has nothing to do with you. It is between your husband and God and you should not moniter him on this, it will only hurt you more.
There are however a lot of things that you can do to help him win this battle, there are also a lot of things that you can do that may increase his temptation and make it more difficult for him.
You can help him by - Taking care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Exercise, eat right, don't let yourself go, make an effort every day, be as attractive as you possibly can. The most important thing in him being able to always be attracted to you, - is your confidence. The more confidence and self esteem you have - the easier it is for him to feel attracted to you and only you. It does not matter if you don't have a perfect body by hollywood terms, it only matters that you try, do your best to keep your figure or to be comfortable in your own skin. That is what makes you beautiful and sexy - the fact that you like yourself and feel good about yourself - not that you look perfect in a bikini.
Second - don't turn him down for sex, ever. Find a way to let it happen, you might have to ask him to wait until the kids are in bed, but make it happen and be glad to do it. Don't let him feel second to your kids, take care of him and let him know that you are really happy to do it.
#6. Last - don't get stuck on how it all makes you feel. It does make you feel horrible, but you have to let it go, put the thoughts out of your head, don't get stuck there in all of that garbage. And don't get stuck on hating yourself for it. Melanie, it just happens - to pretty much all of us for one reason or another. Let God work in him and free yourself from his sin. Satan uses exactly this very thing to destroy us as women, and it you let Satan get a hold of you in this, he will in fact destroy your self esteem, and eventually your marriage. Don't let it happen. Take control of your feelings and your mind today and stop Satan in his tracks. Pray for God to let you feel free from it and then do everything you can be build yourself up again. You can help your husband win his battle, by winning your own - forget his sin - and like yourself, be proud of who you are, and take care yourself and feel your beauty and sentuality as a woman - regardless of what he does. Be strong - you can win the battle, I promise you can.

[melaniestudley]

Thank you so much for the help! I just need a new perspective, and a little gentleness to help my heart begin to heal, but first of all Christ! Your reply really helps so much, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to guide my gently towards God's love and forgiveness. Your words of encouragement have been a blessing to me. Thank you, Melanie

[km]

veggiemelt has a lot of )hard earned) wisdom on the wmoan's side, so as to be able to give good counsel.

Please allow me to fill you in on a little information from the men's side of things. I'm a bit past fifty. Through the years, I've gad a lot of friends, co workers, teammates (etc,) and I know spend a lot of time working with high school boys, and a very good group of young men who also work with the high schoolers. I have not yet met a single man who doesn't fight problems with lust - every waking moment of every day. Not a single one. Pornography is a real problem for well over half of them (did you know that about a third of pastors have a porn problem?).

I am not excusing it. I am not making light of it - t o the contrary, I am emphasizing this so that you get some idea that, as unpleasant as it might be, it is the typical state of the modern male.

I will also suggust that you consider that his lying about it might be a part of the shame he feels over it. He had some idea that it would hurt you this way, and he was trying not to have to admit it to you - to aavoid precisely what did end up happening.

[resecured]

Melanie,

We are so glad that you have found Growthtrac. Just so sorry for the reason that you are here. You will find many on here that know and understand where you are at right now. The feelings that you are having are so familiar. My d-day (discovery date) was in 2006. My husband was also deceitful about his sexual addictions for most of our marriage. Not only did he have issues with porn but he also had several affairs during the first 6 years of our marriage. I found out about all of this due to the fact that I now have a STD, known as mild dysplasia.

I understand the craziness of thoughts and feelings that you are now having. The fact that our husbands have chosen to do these things to us is very heartbreaking. The pain of such deceit is beyond description. It goes to the soul of who we are.

I can tell you that the only way to survive is through God. What I have learned is that my worth is through God's eyes, not my husband's. Fortunately, my husband had come to realize many years ago that he had led a life not pleasing to God and was on his own road to recovery. That is not to say that he was completely right in his walk but he was trying. He still had an issue that masturbation maybe wasn't all that wrong. When God allowed me to see what was going on, he realized that all of it was wrong and had to be dealt with. My husband tells me that I was never the reason for his addictions. That I was a victim of his sexual addicitons that he had since he was 12. Everyday he tells me or shows me that he knows he is very lucky that I am still his wife. It's not easy. I still struggle with triggers or issues of remembering memories that are now tainted with knowing what was going on underneath. He lived two different lives. Crazy as it sounds, I am glad that I know. Now we can hopefully have a true marriage. One that God wishes us to have. There are still issues that I have with him. I try to keep my focus on God and what He wants me to do. I believe that if we do His will, that He will bless us. He knows of our sacrifices. He also knows that we are not perfect, that we fall. However, in our husbands cases, He does expect obedience, too. Just remember, we understand and you are most definitely not alone.

Happiness is possible. Like Sam has so often reminded us. It's a daily choice. To forgive and to love.

-RJ-

[veggiemelt]

Melanie,

I spoke before about things I have learned that you can do to help your husband and yourself in fighting this issue. It is vital that you remain positive and to do get caught in the trap of what is going through your mind.

There are many things that you can do that will help you both, but there are also just as many things that you can do that will make it all much for difficult for both of one. #1. On that list is holding onto or entertaining any thoughts of resentment or unresolve. #2. Continually reminding him of what he has done. #3. Asking him continuing and prying questions about his sexual thoughts or actions.

It is OK to talk sometimes about what you need or how you feel, or for him to be honest and forth coming with you. And it is oK for you to openly talk on occasion about what ever struggles both of you may continue to have. However, playing moniter or checking up or prying is just going to push him away. Guys just don't like to be put on the stop, especially in a position where they may feel there is no right answer. He needs to know that he has hurt you, and even how deep that pain goes, but you have to let him know that you are fighting on his side, not seeing him as the enemy. You also need to let him know that you are not disgusted by any of it, you have to let him know that you do not see it as a perversion, but meerly as a weakness just like that of any other male. You know how upset it makes you when he tell you that you are crazy because of emotional issues. It makes you mad because you are a woman and that is a part of being female, also a weakness that we need to control, but when he does no accept that part of you, you feel angry and mis understood. Or how you might feel ashamed of or embarrassed of your female body functions and maybe not want to have him know all of that. Well, this is pretty much in the same realm, so don't make him feel like you can't accept this part of him or that he should be ashamed of it or feel that you are repulsed by it.

You have to let go of whatever negative feelings or thoughts that you have, and you need to do it now. Yes, your husband has sinned and most likely he will again. But you have to let it go. I am not speaking of tolerating poor behavior in him, he needs to put forth a committed effort and be accountable to God and faithful to you. But you cannot watch over him or worry about every little thing that he does. He can overcome the issues with porn and masturbation if he tries. He can even fairly quickly learn to dimiss inappropriate sexual thoughts or fantasies. But the one thing that he will always fight no matter how strong his faith, is visual temptation. Men draw sexual stimulation through their eyes, every single day. They are drawn to the sight of women, it is just the way they are wired. The temptation to look is almost a reflex, it just happens and they can't really stop it. There is a theory that men can learn to "bounce their eyes". What it means is that they can learn to imidiately look away and dismiss the urge to "feed" on that visual. However it does not mean that they will not still "want" to look or feel drawn to look. Further, there is no sin in the temptation or initial male to look, or even to think sexual thoughts, the sin comes in lingering on it or "feeding" from it. So, you cannot ever be offended or feel betrayed or insecure in the fact that he is male and his eyes will always to instinctively drawn to other women. It is not a threat to you, and you cannot take it personally. It has nothing to do with you or how much he loves you or how attracted he is to you. He is just male and that is the way they are made.

Men have a hunger, just like needing food, except their eyes need to be fed. It is entirely different then sexual arousal. The best way that I can describe it is, it is like the difference between eating dinner and snacking. At dinner time, you are hungry you sit down and enjoy a meal and then feel full and satisfied. You eat dinner to satisfy a bodily need for food but also the experience involves the way that it tastes, smells, and looks and you enjoy the feeling of being full. It is something that you look forward to and prepare for. Snacking is different. We snack for a lot of different reasons, none of which really have much to do with being hungry most of the time. Sometimes it is boredom, or stress, or just the urge to put something in your mouth, other times - it is to get you by until dinner. Non the less, we don't really think much about what we eat when we snack, it is just sort of a habit or a motion where the food itself really doesn't matter much. We don't savor the taste, we don't anticipate it, and it isn't really all that satisfying and yet, we still have the urge to do it on a regular basis and it is something that we often have to try to resist. If we snack too much it can create feelings of guilt or remorse, and sometimes it can spoil our appetite for dinner. With dicipline though, we can learn to control our snacking and just look away instantly from that cookie, we can just pass it up and not feed on it. With self control, we can learn to snack on healthy things, things that don't cause harm or spoil our appetite, none the less - no matter how much we learn to control what we snack on - a piece of chocolate cake will always catch your eye and you will always have to instantly dispell the temptation. Being drawn to look at the cake is not a sin, continuing to think about the cake and wondering how it would taste - well, that is where the line comes in.

You my dear are dinner for your husband - the whole experience and being intimate with you is the most satisfying to him. Every other woman on the planet - is a potential snack. And there is just no way that he will ever stop being drawn to it. But he can learn to control it, to look away and to do his best to snack on you.

Women feed emotionally on other things, and the most common fix is food. Men feed emotionally on sex or sexual stimuli through their eyes. So think about your husband's weakness in the same terms that you see your own weakness. It is similarly the same urge triggered by so many things in just every day life.
It is hard for him, and honestly he probably really wishes that it didn't happen. He probably really wishes that he could only have the urge to feed his eyes with you. So, yes he has to learn to control it, but cut the guy some slack on the visual issue and remember how difficult it is for you to walk away from that chocolate cake, or to even not think about it for a couple of minutes before you walk away, especially when you are under stress. and think about how easy it is to just give in and eat the cake. And then think about how bad you feel after you ate it. Don't think for a second that he doesn't have a huge amount of guilt and shame for all of the visual snacking that he gives in to, I can promise you - he feels like crap for it, so don't hang it over his head.

Getting upset with him for it, will only make it worse. Not only because the guy already feels bad about it, but also because it will make you feel bad every time a pretty girl crosses his pass. You can't get caught up in that, it is annoying to him and it makes you lose your confidence - which lessens his momentary attraction to you - which in turn, makes his that much more likely to feel the urge to draw visual satisfaction from the next girl that walks by. And visual attraction isn't just about a great body, it is also other things - like a friendly smile, or a woman's laugh or just her fun, lighthearted or flirty personality, men see things in women - things that show on the outside that make her attractive, but many times those things are what is radiating from inside of her, it is more often something about her that draws his attention, then just her shape. (Well, ok breasts, that always pretty much does it, at least for a second. But we all have those, so it is kind of stupid that we feel threatened by that.) But honestly Honey, it is so much more that draws a man's attention, more then they really even know or realize. A well groomed woman who carries herself with confidence and has a pretty smile - will captivate the attention of a man just as long as a woman whose breasts are hanging out of her shirt.

Second, attraction is momentary. We are not attractive all of the time, sometimes we are down right ugly. Not because our hair is messy or our tummy is bloated, those things can actually be endearing to the man who loves you. But what shows more then anything is your attitude and what is doing on inside of you. What he really wants to see is for you to be happy, energetic, positive, supportive, affectionate. He wants to see the kindness and comfort in your eyes. But nagging, and nasty tone, and complaining, and well all of those things can make us really hidious and in that moment no matter how much he might love you, you are not an appealing snack and he is not thinking about having you for dinner when you are letting the ugly things show. A nasty attitude is honestly a greater draw to porn then anything visual. The woman on the screen isn't going to make him feel like crap and she isn't going to turn him away. We as women have to realize how much of a influence we really have on how badly our husband's hunger for a pretty snack from another woman's cupboard. We have to realize how we do in fact often make it harder for them to look away. Resentment makes you ugly and lack of confidence is not sexy. And is doesn't make things any easier for him.

So one again Melanie. The very best advice I can give you is - Don't try to control his thoughts or get into his head - that is up to him to worry about. Just make sure that you are a pleasant snack and take the time every day to feel good about yourself inside and out - think of it as preparing dinner. The better cook you are, the less likely he will be drawn to linger on another woman's cookies. And then confidently remember that even if he does occasionally admire the goodies in another bakery, He bought your cookies and took them home and they are still his favorite.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

[quote="veggiemelt"]Melanie,
Welcome to GT. The issues of lust, masturbation, and porn plague most men, and though it is very difficult as a female to discover, accept, and recover from the effects of it. It is in fact not unique to your husband or your situation and foremost it is not your fault. In fact, these issues have little or nothing to do with you, it is every man's curse and every man's battle. As young women, we are never prepared for the discovery of what really goes on in the male mind, we innocently believe that we are the one and only women in his life and there fore the one and only woman whom he sees or thinks of as a sexual partner. It comes as quite a devastating shock when we discover that this is indeed not the case.

[quote] It is not anger, it is a deep wound, a hurt so far reaching that I can't seem to escape it. [/quote]
I know this feeling all too well, and everything that goes along with it that is virtually indescribable. And I could talk about all of those feelings here and the damage that the ongoing thoughts of doubt, uncertainly, and confusion that continue even after years to creep back into my mind. However, for today, I am going to only tell you what I have learned in how to recover and cope rather then validate what you already feel.

There are any number of reasons why your husband may have fallen to that temptation, and most of them had never before crossed my mind. Here are a few.
#1. Stress - stress is one of the greatest factors for a male in dealing with a growing family and the pressures to provide. Physical Release, is a temporary relief of that stress. Plain and simple - he is just looking for something to make him feel better and often times men will carry that burden of stress of their shoulders and not share how greatly it effects them, therefore, they also release that stress - alone. It is in a sense a complete removal of us in the parts of their lives that cause them the most worry - and the reason is because they are protecting us not only from the worry, but from the weakness that comes in that.
#2. He does not want to burden you. You are caring for children, they are your first priority and he knows it. He feels second to them and therefore often will rely on you less for his own needs, not just sexually but in other ways. Men have a difficult time when children come into their lives, because the woman that he married who loved and cared for him, now focuses most of her time and energy on his children. He feels a little lonely, or rejected, but he also knows that for a woman, her child will always be number one. In some ways, he may feel replaced. It can cause a seperation which will often make a man feel less connected, especially sexually to his wife.
#3. He is angry with you. If your life has become very stressful and you are cranky and tired and maybe nag him because you feel over whelmed with the responsibility of your children, he may be distancing himself from you. Raising babies is hard, and you may feel that you need more help from him and you may feel he is not giving you that support. It can cause feelings of resentment, which can come out in a very nasty tone. Men do not like this when we turn into a women who is not happy or who is cranky. He may in fact not feel attracted to you, not because of what you look like - but because of the way he feels when he is around you. In other words, if you are unpleasant - he probably doesn't really feel like making love to you.
#4. There is often a sense of confusion in men after women have children. The body parts that he once viewed as sexual, are now the parts that bore his children and make you a Mother. A lot of men have difficulty with this. If you are breast feeding, a sense of something strange or confusing will probably remain in your husband until you have stopped breast feeding. Do not let that stop you from what ever choices you have made with your baby, but you may want to consider or remember that there is confusion there and try to let him see you in a sexual or sentual sense when ever possible. The confusing feelings will go away, and you can help that happen sooner by not pressuring him sexually, but also by giving him time alone with you and by letting him see you as a woman, seperately and independantly of seeing you as a mother. A huge step in accomplishing this - is to not let your children sleep with you, and by spending time alone without your kids, especially overnight if you can.
#5. Lust is primarily a man's sin, it is a daily temptation for them. It is just the way they are wired, but men are responsible to learn to control their thoughts and not fall to temptation. If he falls to temptation it is not your fault, and if viewing porn causes his expectations to become unrealistic, that is entirely his fault and he needs to recognize and correct what ever behaviors he may have that inhibit his desires for you. Remember that this has nothing to do with you. It is between your husband and God and you should not moniter him on this, it will only hurt you more.
There are however a lot of things that you can do to help him win this battle, there are also a lot of things that you can do that may increase his temptation and make it more difficult for him.
You can help him by - Taking care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Exercise, eat right, don't let yourself go, make an effort every day, be as attractive as you possibly can. The most important thing in him being able to always be attracted to you, - is your confidence. The more confidence and self esteem you have - the easier it is for him to feel attracted to you and only you. It does not matter if you don't have a perfect body by hollywood terms, it only matters that you try, do your best to keep your figure or to be comfortable in your own skin. That is what makes you beautiful and sexy - the fact that you like yourself and feel good about yourself - not that you look perfect in a bikini.
Second - don't turn him down for sex, ever. Find a way to let it happen, you might have to ask him to wait until the kids are in bed, but make it happen and be glad to do it. Don't let him feel second to your kids, take care of him and let him know that you are really happy to do it.
#6. Last - don't get stuck on how it all makes you feel. It does make you feel horrible, but you have to let it go, put the thoughts out of your head, don't get stuck there in all of that garbage. And don't get stuck on hating yourself for it. Melanie, it just happens - to pretty much all of us for one reason or another. Let God work in him and free yourself from his sin. Satan uses exactly this very thing to destroy us as women, and it you let Satan get a hold of you in this, he will in fact destroy your self esteem, and eventually your marriage. Don't let it happen. Take control of your feelings and your mind today and stop Satan in his tracks. Pray for God to let you feel free from it and then do everything you can be build yourself up again. You can help your husband win his battle, by winning your own - forget his sin - and like yourself, be proud of who you are, and take care yourself and feel your beauty and sentuality as a woman - regardless of what he does. Be strong - you can win the battle, I promise you can.[/quote]


This deserves to be published.

This shows an understanding of nature, without excusing sin. Rarely have I ever found such a balance. Excellent.

[camelback]

Melanie, I know how you feel and am working through many of the same issues. Vegiemelt, I really appreciate your thoughts. I asked a q on this forum along the same lines, but your answer here has really helped. It is so hard not to let fear creep in and question weather he has failed again. It is amazing how deception destroys and crumbles the ability to trust. My husband has an accountability partner, but from time to time (2-3x's) a month I would ask him how it is going....I am wondering if you think this is counter intuitive!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I have been convicted that I need to stop checking browser history and let God do what he does best, strengthen, protect, and convict, and do what I can do, pray, love and heal. Man it is hard letting go of the fears and pain and questions!!!

[veggiemelt]

I think when you give it over to God and let him work in your husband, you have to trsut that God will do that work in him. It is really, really hard to let go, harder then anyone who has not been there can even imagine, but once you get there, you will feel an intense sense of freedom, like a huge weight has been lifted. This is a man's battle and we as women are just not capable of shouldering it, it is far too painful for us and we just do not have to capacity to understand their mentality or their wiring or the challenge it brings to them. So, we have to let it go and just trust. It takes some time to get there, but the key is showing trust while you rebuilt it. You may still wonder, but really you are better off to not check up on him, doing so just re creates feelings of mis trust in you and in him. I do not think asking him about it is a good idea, this is a really private issue for guys and they know we don't understand and they don't want to hurt us or be ashamed of it in front of us. When you choose to let something go, you just have to let it go anything else is going to just continue to bring back the pain and confusion you feel. Show him that you trust him, ask like you trust him and soon you will start to grow to trust him again. If you feel tempted, pray. That is what he has to do. In a way you have to learn to control your thoughts the same way that he does, it is different and yet so much the same. And in learning to control your own thoughts and temptations to not trust him, you will learn an appreciation for how difficult his own battle is. You will learn to respect it in a way that you can understand. God can help you and give you strenth, truly and wholely give this to him. You will feel so much better and your marriage will grow in it.

[SAM]

I don't think God designed us, as wives, to be our husband's Holy Spirit... that's His job. You know, the one that convicts the heart?

So, if your husband has found an accountability partner... trust God and that partner to watch over him.