Growthtrac Community

[Vancouverdad]

My story,

As others have preceeded before me...Here is what happened:

Roughly a year ago, having been very successful in the mortgage industry things started falling apart financially and businesswise. I started viewing myself as a failure as my inability to keep up levels of income and success started falling and the industry began unraveling. I started withdrawing and feeling horrible about myself. Throughout this journey my wife stood by my side continually telling me it didin't matter as long as we had each other and the kids (15,12,9,7) and we were healthy. The best I can describe myself through this was angry, withdrawn, emotionally disconnected, cruel, and ultimately I started fantasizing about my younger "glory days". Part of my "glory days were life in the USMC, travel, and a disjointed yet intense "first love". As the months passed and I sank deeper into depression I started wondering about this OW as my wife and I became more disconnected and as she began a party/dringking/going out cycle that I resented more and more. She basically was reacting to me and the loss of emotional connection and started doing this as a masking tool that helped her deal with the pain of my rejection.
At this point I had completetely disconnected from God, stopped praying and it got worse. I started seeking out this other woman who was married and eventually we connected-online through Myspace....Ughhh... We started communicating and before long we were reigniting old feelings left inresolved many years ago. We had an emotional affair. I was treating my wife worse and worse. I was eventually discovered on an email account by my wife with ridiculous emails professing all kinds of feelings. Even after the discovery I was treating her horribly as my anger was still rampant. I told her all manner of things such as I will always love this other woman, she will have to look over her shoulder, etc ect... I committed to stay in the marriage as it broke my heart to see her pain and disconnected from the other situation immediately.

I continued to be angry and unresponsive until my wife pulled me into the bedroom one night and told me she was done and wanted a divorce.

I cannot even explain what happened to me that night. God literally threw a thunderbolt at me and I was instantly broken.

I instantly was able, perhaps for the first time in my life to see myself for who I really was and the sight wasn't pretty. I also was able to see how much I loved my amazing wife and I would do anything to save our marriage.

Since then she has agreed to stay. That was about a month ago. She asked me for space. She asked for us to work on the friendship again. I have gone completely paranoid. She is seeking her own identitiy for the first time in our marriage and I have realized for the first time I have become completley codependant on her. I am a wreck. In that month I have returned to prayer, read any book I can get my hands on to understand what I have to do, returned to church with my children (as she won't go right now and she has always had a heart for Christ), I have started individual counseling, as she has, I have joined a Men's group, I pray all the time, asking God to change me and our marriage, I am changing who I am with God's help.

I am also am struggling with over-communication. I can't shut up and give her space. I don't sleep. I can't focus at work..I obsess I just want desperatley to reconnect with her which is driving her away. I have no boundaries...and on and on. In one month I have managed to push her even farther away. How the heck did I go from being completetly shut down to where I am at right now. I just want to save my marriage and be the husband God inteneded me to be.

If there is anyone out there who has walked in these foot steps before I would appreciate feedback and prayer.

Thanks for the long story but I wanted it to be complete.Vancouverdad

[j3anjean]

Hey, Vancouverdad. FIrst of all let me say that I am praying for you. I do know where you are at and my heart is breaking for you. I can tell from your words that you know you are on a dangerous track. To save your marriage you truly need to slow down. I sense that while you are leaning on God you are also desperately grasping at your wife and that is causing her to retreat further and further from you.

My husband and I have both slid into the sin of adultery. His most recent fall was a year ago. I praise God that his heart has finally changed and he had turned his life around. However, 4 years ago, things weren't so hopeful. My husband had a history of being unfaithful. I became depressed. I turned to drugs and alcohol, then to another man. I am ashamed of that. I was so lonely and bitter. My self confidence was shot. He made me feel better-justified some how. When my husband left I was devastated. I'm not going to rehash every gory detail but this is the post link http://forums.growthtrac.com/topic1574-30.html

You said you are reading everything you can get your hands on. The book I think really gave me the most help and literally showed me how to "draw him back" was The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. This is practical step by step instructions that will change everything.http://www.divorcebusting.com/
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm
The drastic turn around probably is scaring her a bit. You did a complete 180 and right now she can't know which one is the real you. Ber persistant in the changes in your life. This is going to take time, a lot of time.

I will keep you both in my prayers.