Growthtrac Community

[Kaylee]

I am new here and really need your help and prayers. My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years but he is very insecure and regularly accuses me of being unfaithful. He is constantly questioning me and coming up with the most absurd ideas of how and when I cheated on him. He keeps telling me I must tell him if I was ever unfaithful before we got married or after and that he suspects that I have cheated on him when we were living abroad 4 years ago. It really hurts me when he makes these accusations and nothing I do seems right. If I cry he thinks it is because I am feeling guilty, if I get angry at his accusations he thinks it is because I don't want him to find out. He constantly tells me our son is not his and he will find the truth out one day. I have encouraged him to have a paternity test done or to let me undergo a lie detector test or whatever it will take to prove my innocence. I don't know what to do and am a nervous wreck. Sometimes he calls me on my cell at work and says where are you, when I say I am at work he will say it sounds like you are somewhere else. I know shortly afterwards he will call me on the landline to make sure I am in fact at work. I think his inability to trust women stems from his childhood ( heard rumours his mother cheated on his father and stepfather etc). He even acuses my friends of having affairs ( not to their face). I am at my witts end.

[SAM]

I'm sorry there was not a response sooner as I did not see your post.
Welcome, we're glad you have joined us at GT community.

Have you considered counseling for this? Or, maybe talking to a pastor at church.
If your husband refuses to go, please go for yourself. You need someone who can
provide you with tools to combat this.

His continued accusations are causing a wedge between you, when it seems he desires
to have you close to him. This behavior is irrational. And, unless you can get to the
bottom of it, and he can learn to trust you... his suspicions may come true because
he will drive you away from him because you can no longer deal with his insecurities.

[km]

A couple of wild guesses:

A. He is massively insecure as a man, which he tries hard to cover up by acting macho. As a part of this, he accuses you of things that he knows bring you down so as to control you better.

B. He is projecting his own desires to cheat on you.

C. He has huge problems with women in general (mom, other women in his life have been cheaters) and he projects those issues onto you.

Any of those sound close to the mark at all?

[Kaylee]

Thank you it is nice to know that someone is willing to listen and that I am not alone. I know counselling or talking to someone is the only way. I think he should defnitely go so we can egt to the bottom if this. I will go and see someone and talk to them and perhaps he can then go as well. He did agree to seeing someone once as he had an anger outburst and said he has a lot of stress at work.
One time I went for a pedicure and it was 2 hours so when I got home he asked me howcome it took so long for a simple pedicure. I got so frustrated at always having to defend myself that I pulled my credit card slip out to show him the time that I left and said he can call them and verify what time my appointment was. He got so angry with me and told me to leave and he wanted a divorce as he asked me a simple question and I threw it way out of line. But I know him so well by now and know exactly where he was going with his question. He often checks my cellphone to see who I have called and who called me and goes through my text messages. It is really driving me insane and as you say it is driving a wedge between us. Thanks for your advice.

[SAM]

I re-read your post this morning and have been praying over it again. From what you describe, it is very clear that there is an escalation in his behavior. And, the warning signs are there... of someone who is potentially abusive.

He did agree to seeing someone once as he had an anger outburst and said he has a lot of stress at work.

What was this anger outburst like? Yelling, screaming, throwing or hitting things, harming you and scaring the daylights out of you?


1) Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Checks e-mails, phone calls, phone bills and text messages wanting to know whom you have spoken to and why.

2) Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

3) Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.

4) Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.

5) Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

6) Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

7) Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names,curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

[Kaylee]

Thanks so much for your advice and prayers, I also pray for daily that he will come to his senses and start trusting me. When he had his anger burst he did throw his plate of food onto the floor breaking it into pieces.
Everyone of the things you mentioned rings true, except for the part where is says he belittle's you in public, as he does not do that. He also does not take my car keys and forbid met to go to work or anywhere or take my money.He is a good husband and father and aks me if I need money and will give me money but he will jokingly add that I must not spend it on phone calls to my boyfriends. He rarely complains about money when I want to spoil myself but sometimes it all depends on his mood. I know he has a stressful job and works under a lot of pressure and I feel sorry for him and want to help him.
I am sure he will go and see a psyciatrist and it will help him overcome these issues if I arrange it for him although he is quite a proud and private person and does not like "others" to know about our problems.

[SAM]

Not all things are going to apply, but it you see most of this ringing true, it is a problem that needs to be addressed
with the help of a Christian counselor. If he refuses to go because of pride and not wanting people to know his business (isolation is a great way to maintain control), then let him know this is not optional. It is needed to save your marriage - especially when he has threatened you with divorce. If he says he didn't mean it - anytime the "D" word is used in the home, it is a serious threat to the stability of a marriage. Do you have a church that you attend together? Sometimes pastors have counseling degrees in addition to their divinity degree.

I am concerned. At one moment you mention how this is driving you insane and you can't deal with the constant accusations of infidelity, then you are defending him even though he "jokingly" accuses you of using money to call boyfriends. This clearly shows his mindset is not that of someone who is emotionally "well".

Does he become upset when you spend too much time interracting with friends and family members?
Do you have other "couple" friends that you hang out with?