Growthtrac Community

[jenfri76]

My husband and I have been in and out of counseling for the way he speaks to me. For the past maybe 2 months he has done better but the past week has just been very tough.

Last night our 2 year old son had a play yard put up in our back yard. So, I knew he would be excited to come home from daycare and play on his new slide. Now, my husband has been sick all week with a bad cold. He stayed home yesterday so that the men could come set up the playard. My son and I drive up to our house and he sees the slide in the backyard and was so excited. So, we get out of the car and run to the backyard to play. I then run into the house and up to the office where my husband is on the phone and I reach for the camera to take pictures of our son playing on his new toy. I run back outside and begin taking paictures. My husband comes to the patio door and yells out to me" ARE YOU THAT PATHETIC THAT YOU CANNOT PICK UP THE GARBAGE CANS OUT FRONT BEFORE YOU START PLAYING AND TAKING PITURES"! I was so hurt, and so upset, but I kept my composure because I saw the joy on my son's face as we were playing and having a good time.

I confronted my husband later and asked him why he said that to me - he said because I came in and started playing and taking pictures and did not bring the garbage cans in that were out front and that they were 1/2 way in the street. Then he said that he has been sick all week and I did not even think to stop to ask him how he was feeling. I told him - you were on the phone! He then told me he did not want to argue and to leave him alone.

Also - I have been losing weight and it is noticeable - he never compliments me, I ask him if he notices a difference in my body - he says well, I see you everyday so it is hard for me to tell. Then last week I had my hair professionally straightened and cut - I asked him if he liked it - he said no he hates it because he likes when I wear my hair naturally curly. I said, well, I know you like it curly but I does it still look nice - he said NO! Then began to yell and swear at me because he felt I was trying to pressurem him into liking something I know he does not like.

Then he proceeds to tell me a man that he is friends with who is the manager of a car dealership - where my husband goes sometimes to talk to him. My husband said, there was this beautiful, I mean beautiful, girl working there who is like 19 years old, I mean gorgeous, mixed looking girl, and I asked my friend who she was and he told me she is the dealership whore who gives the salesmen there oral sex in the parked cars"! I had no idea why my husband told me this story - and I have no idea why he gave this girl so many compliments to my face and he cannot ever tell me those things, that I am beautiful, that he notices how I am losing weight or anything. It truly hurt my feelings. I am really contemplating leaving this man. Please share your thoughts honestly..

Thank you

[meNyoutoo]

Hello ,

I understand what you are going through a little. I say a little because every situationis differnt and we should not expect everybody to know evrything. Please don't take that offensive I beeggg you iit is not.

I have been married for 12 years to a minister/pastor. you would think they have the best interst in mind when it come to loving as i have loved the church............ welll welllllwellllllwelllll oh I cant say that enough. it has been very bad on our relationship dealing with the same issues but I can say dor the past year and a half or since i have been in school it has been easier. I though GOD had played a very bad trick on me and it was becasue I had sinned and this was my punishment.

Listen. i can't encourage you to stay you know your situation. I can say that I have prayed for my husand and he prays for me. I am not a saint and I do things wrong as well. ....... I said that to say this........ THe issues we go through are no those of our own. We are dealt with certain things so we can minister help someone else. It is aid God's word that all things will work out and that what looks bad is not always bad. Always check with God when things look awful, then check yoursekf to make sure you are in line with God, then hold your peace pray let God fight for you. Ihad to do this yes it is hard on you emotionally this is why i said I can tell you to stay or go. only you know your situation. protect your son and live your life according to GOd. We have to be the examples when no one else will for our family and family members. Give all place to GOD meaning be submissive to him and Him only then HE will tell you how to deal with your husband. Mine well he is just a small dog without a bit. you know the small ones are the noise makers.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[jenfri76]

meNYoutoo,

Thank you so very much for your kind words. The past 5 1/2 years of marriage for me have been rough. I truly hope and pray that things will get better and that my husband will see that he has been blessed with a wonderful family. But, I leave that up to he and GOD to work out. I think of my son 1st and foremost because my son loes his father and my husband is a wonderful father. Thank you, I will continue to pray and I will continue to live my life the way GOD wants me too. It gets harder everyday. I have given it 12 months to see if there are any changes, and there is not - then I can no longer allow my spirit to be crushed.

Thank you and God bless,

Jen

[rdsmith3]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand your wanting to leave, but first ask if you have tried everything you can to make the marriage better. When you have to answer to God, what will you way to Him?

Make sure you are physically safe. You should not tolerate any form of abuse, and you have to call it what it is, and make it clear that it is not acceptable. Do not tiptoe around him to avoid angry outbursts, because that is how he controls you.

I just happened to come across this article, which might be helpful.

http://www.*.com/root/marriage/11601885/page0/

and this related article

http://www.*.com/11597290/

[jenfri76]

Thank you so much rdsmith3 for your kind words and the articles are excellent. I have signed up to receive emails from the * site.

Thank you very much,

Jenn

I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand your wanting to leave, but first ask if you have tried everything you can to make the marriage better. When you have to answer to God, what will you way to Him?

Make sure you are physically safe. You should not tolerate any form of abuse, and you have to call it what it is, and make it clear that it is not acceptable. Do not tiptoe around him to avoid angry outbursts, because that is how he controls you.

I just happened to come across this article, which might be helpful.

http://www.*.com/root/marriage/11601885/page0/

and this related article

http://www.*.com/11597290/

[charity1]

rdsmith3,
Thanks for sharing the Crosswalk articles. Even though those particular articles didn't apply to me, I went to the website and love it. I need all the encouragement I can get!

[SAM]

protect your son

This is the greatest insight that has been provided. Children pick up on the interaction and words used between their parents. And, as your son's vocabulary grows... he will pick up on his father's words. So, think about and pray about what that means in terms of how your son will relate to women in his life... you, his grandmothers, sisters, teachers. Will he treat women with respect and as cherished vessels, or with condemnation?

You do not want to take the broken baton (the kind used in relay races) your husband is holding, and have it passed on to the next generation.

If you have taken a break from counseling, it is time to reengage.

Another key tool is, when your husband is verbally abusive, tell him - "I will not allow you to talk to me this way." Then simply walk away. If he follows you, repeat yourself. Do not engage... do not come back with a response... just repeat, "I will not allow you to talk to me his way."

This is more than verbal abuse - it is also emotional abuse. Playing mind games with you by speaking about the "good looks" of another woman who provides oral sex to men. My guess is... this is what your husband grew up with?

[Riss]

jenfri76, how have things been. Looks like it's been about 6 mos. since your last post on your situation.